To the Stars

Brothers-- I love them, I do, that needs to be said off the bat... Even though-- I still don’t feel the connection to them, that maybe brothers who grew up together would... I guess that can’t really be fixed, huh? They’re a lot older than me, and they have lives full of things I’ll never really know about -- and even if I did know, they’re still pretty distant from me.. I don’t know... I don’t know them, not as well as I’d like to-- But where I am now is fine enough, I guess. I can trust them and rely on them... enough. And, I’m learning more to take care of myself, which is good! They’ve done a lot to help me and take care of me, and it’s nice, but I don’t wanna be in that place forever. ... I guess a small part of me hopes that if I can take care of myself more, maybe I could be more... More on equal footing with them? Does that make sense? ... I don’t know-- That’s just a small hope, though. I’m not... I’m not too caught up in those kinds of thoughts~

... And anyway... I’ve been... I’ve had more time to think about it, and so, I’m not-- ... I know he was just trying to help, but I still get mad when I remember what Dimitri did to York... And I get more mad when I think, there’s a chance he’d do it again-- I...  with the way things are going, I don’t know how safe it’d be for him to find out who I’m living with. If it’s safer to keep distance, I don’t have the biggest problem with that... I’m sorry... But, I’m also not...

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My friends are... I’ve been thinking about them, too, and my feelings around them are... It’s... It’s gotten a lot more confusing for me. I have feelings, and then I start to feel like they’re wrong, or that I shouldn’t be feeling that-- I, mm...

... I know that... I’ve had a much clearer head since I got away from them... I don’t-- That sounds bad, I don’t want to say anything’s their fault, there was a lot of complicated things happening and... And it was too much for all of us.. I... mn... Is it-- ... Is it weird? All of those awful things that happened, I, I know they did happen, but it’s like I’ve blocked it all out-- or at least, most of it. I remember it, and how things made me feel, and sometimes they still hurt me, but most of the time, it’s like... it’s all just from a dream... and it doesn’t bother me too much anymore... What does bother me-- What bothers me the most, is... That stuff with our relationships... Trying to make it romantic... Talking about marriage-- ... But, no, even just our friendship... It felt like... It always felt like, those two were a lot more important to each other than I was. They-- They definitely had something, that I wasn’t part of... And they tried to let me be part of it... They did, and I should be grateful for that-- I am. But I keep getting this feeling like it was just... a lie... I’ve had that feeling for so long and it just won’t leave... And sometimes, I catch myself feeling... almost angry about it? Be-- Betrayed? I probably shouldn’t-- I’m sure they really wanted me to be with them, but the feeling won’t go away no matter what I do, and it... it hurts... ‘They never loved you as much as they loved each other... They didn’t, so why did they have to pretend, and play with your heart like that!?’ It says things like that, and it makes me want to stay away more. And I want to say ‘I’m sorry’ for it, but then it says, ‘maybe they should say sorry to you for once’, and I... I don’t know. It seems wrong. It’s just-- Bad, and confusing, and in the end I... I guess I started to prefer not thinking about them.. To keep those feelings away...

... But then I heard they were having troubles after I left, too... That Cecilia kicked him out, for talking to Dri-? I-- I started feeling kind of mad about that too, at her, like it’s stupid to respond that way, when she loves Hotaka so much that I felt like-- Ahh, but that’s mean...! Isn’t it? She-- She has her reasons, and he has his, and everything is still really complicated, and I... mm.. Mn... I don’t... I-- I feel like I should stay out of it. I don’t want to make anything worse, I just, I don’t want to see them split up or anything...  especially after I left... I’m--... I need... I need a lot more time, I think, before I’m... before I’m ready to go back to them..  to all of that... I need these feelings to sort out, and stop confusing me so much... I-- I should stop here, I think...

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... But... So... York. York- is... My feelings are so much simpler there. I don’t even-- really know what to say, h-heh, I’m just... I’m glad he’s with me. He’s one of the few people I feel like I understand, and I don’t have to worry all the time about whether he actually.. wants to be around me, you know? I still worry sometimes, but-- But this is so much easier... Just him and me...  It’s nice...  It’s peaceful...