AU Dumpster

every time you fall in love with someone, their tattoo appears somewhere else on your body. (not necessarily soulmates, just who you fall in love with.)

imagine people who fall in love easily having their bodies completely covered in tattoos.

aromantics who only have their own ankle tattoo on their body.

people who have love affairs having to cover up the other secret tattoo from their spouse/partner.

a new tattoo appearing on a celebrity’s body in new photos and a very lucky fan (who had recently met the celebrity) realizing that it’s their tattoo.

elderly ladies sitting around tables in nursing homes telling the story behind each of their tattoos.

kindergartners who giggle as they look at their own ankle tattoos together and dream about the future tattoos they’ll have when they’re all grown up.

people trying their best to deface tattoos of ex-lovers who broke their hearts, but they can never go away.

‘my new romance-obsessed friend asked me who my last date was with and i was too embarrassed to say i’ve never been on a date so i blurted your name and it turns out they know you’ au

‘i didn’t want to tell my friend who my real date last night was so i just pointed at a random stranger (you) but now they’re storming over to interrogate you and you’re playing along??? okay’ au

‘a mutual friend tried to introduce us, but we already knew each other from LARPing but we’re both too embarrassed to admit that so i jokingly said we used to date and oh god now our friend wont stop interrogating us about it’ au

‘im egging your house for a dare but your parent is a cop and they’re yelling at me so i told them that you were my ex and you wronged me and now you’re coming outside and please go along with this i don’t want to go to jail’ au

‘my current partner is a huge asshole and i need a reason to break up with them so will you pretend to be my possessive and violent ex’ au

your credit card was declined and you don’t have enough cash so here’s twenty bucks even though this was clearly supposed to be your treat

our first kiss was so bad that I didn’t call you but now you’ve called twice and I don’t know what to do

your parents are eating at the same restaurant and wow they really want to sit with us

we bumped into each other at the pharmacy right before our date and you were buying extra small condoms and now that’s all I can think about 

I completely misunderstood what restaurant you were bringing me to and am way underdressed and you are clearly embarrassed to be seen with me

we got into a huge argument over who would pay and I won but now you keep asking to take me out again to return the favor

we ran into your ex and you can’t keep your shit together and maybe you two should just get back together except that you’re really hot and I’m not sure they deserve you

you brought flowers that I’m allergic to and I had to go to the ER after sneezing all evening and breaking out into hives

we ran into a bunch of your friends who couldn’t take a hint and now there’s a half dozen people who I don’t know and I’m just going to go home now

someone else you’re seeing is at the same restaurant and no matter how cool you play it it’s totally obvious

I didn’t know you had all these dietary restrictions and the only thing you can eat at this restaurant that I brought you to is a side salad and a glass of water

• I’m lost and I just want to leave this stupid party so I’m looking for my friend Marco who brought me here and YOU’RE THAT ASSHAT WHO KEEPS SHOUTING “POLO” WHENEVER I CALL FOR HIM

• I fell asleep at a mattress store by accident and you work here so you had to wake me up which is SUPER EMBARRASSING—even though you say it happens all the time—because you’re really cute

• We’ve been friends/dating for a few months now but I forgot your name the first time we met and I keep hoping that one of your friends will say it while you’re around but they all just call you weird nicknames seriously who are you

• You stood up and shouted, “Stop!” when the bus driver almost missed your stop and for some reason I stood up and yelled loudly, “WAIT A MINUTE!” And I felt really stupid until you said, “Fill my cup, put some liquor in it” to save me before you scurried off the bus

• We’re the only two people in the DMV and we’re filling out papers silently when you look over and ask me what colour eyes I think you have

• You should probably get some better headphones because I could hear you listening to anime themes from over here

• I went to a con cosplaying as one person in my OTP. I didn’t think anyone would dress as the other, or come without someone else to be my character for that matter, so do you wanna run in slow-mo towards each other?

I come home and find your cat in my sink after I get home from work.

I just moved into the building and I found banana bread on my doorstep. I probably shouldn’t eat it cause I have no idea where it came from buT IT’S DELICIOUS 

I work at home and I haven’t left my house in a while and you think I’m dead in my house.

LISTEN BUDDY. I KNOW YOU SNOOP THROUGH MY MAIL. I SAW YOU. 

Your cat always fucking pisses on my doormat. 

I can always hear you singing Phantom of the Opera so I decided to sing the duet with you.

YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE WHO’S BEEN USING MY WIFI.

It’s the middle of winter and my heater went out and you let me stay at your place so I don’t freeze to death. God bless you.

You’re so sweet and nice to everyone and I wanna be your friend but I’m basically a hermit. 

I heard constant coughing in your apartment it sounded like you were choking so I panicked and kicked down your door to come save you. Wait, you’re not choking and just have a bad cold? Oh my god I’M sO SORrY. I’LL PAY FOR THE DOOR. I’LL ALSO MAKE YOU SOME SOUP.

I know this is really creepy but I can always hear your music through the walls and I noticed we like all the same music. There’s a music festival coming up and I have an extra ticket. Do you wanna go? 

I broke my coffee maker and you noticed how miserable I’ve been, so you let me come over and have a few cups of coffee. Thank you so much.

As a music major, I can confirm the accuracy of the following:

- It’s prime time for practice rooms and all of the good ones are taken except for that one – don’t you fucking dare, I will FIGHT you for it.

- I saw you sleeping on the couch in the lounge in the morning, but now it’s like 5 pm and you’re still here. Are you ok?

- Oh good an empty practice roo- HOLY SHIT. Why are you lying on the ground in a dark?!

- The theory professor makes no sense and you’re the star pupil. Teach me everything you know about theory and I will buy you anything you want from Starbucks. Grande. Venti. Frappuccino. Chai Tea Latte. You name it.

- I’m trying to study in the lounge and you’re blasting your music. I don’t care how much you love Mahler, have you ever heard of ear phones???

- I’m trying to schedule my recital, but you have the time/location I want. Ok, what do I have to sell you for that time slot/date. 

- I agreed to help you with your music ed video project and now you’re trying to teach me trumpet and my god I am terrible at this instrument. 

- You’re really cute and I may have done more than three casual walk-bys of your practice room. I’m on my sixth walk-by when we make eye contact. Oh shit. 

- I don’t know you, but you grabbed me to help with your audition videos and wow, you’re really good and attractive…Oh crap, stop the camera now?

- You’re in the orchestra and I’m in the choir. I’ve had a crush on you all semester. I’m pretty sure you’ve caught me staring at the violin section one to many times. 

- our professor keeps having you play in masterclass and you’re so fucking amazing and gorgeous. how on earth will i get through rehearsals when you’re finally playing this concerto with the symphony and i have to actually play my instrument instead of just staring at you?

- sooooo yo-yo ma is playing on the other side of the state next week and i got tickets! roadtrip?

- the concert is in less than an hour and my string just broke and i’m about to have a meltdown in the middle of the rehearsal room, and you just saved my life by giving me your spare

- the new music ensemble is doing this collab project with art students and the way you keep wiggling your butt while you paint is ridiculously adorable

- i can’t believe i’m letting my straight crush drag me to the gay bar for karaoke night. are you sure you’re straight?

“wtf you’re not my roommate, how did you get in here? oh sHIT you’re really drunk aND NOW YOU’RE CRYING OKay okay it’s okay shhhh, you can stay here i guess??” au 

“mY CHIPS WOULDN’T COME OUT THE VENDING MACHINE AND I GOT MAD AND TRIED TO GRAB IT BUT NOW MY HAND’S STUCK AND PLS STOP LAUGHING AT ME THIS IS V SERIOUS IM GOIG TO CRy” au

“yes, i know this is a bar but you’re a rlly hot bartender and i panicked and said “cHOCOLATE MILK” when you asked me what i wanted to drink, now i just want to crawl away and hide forever” au

“idk you but i also know nothing about camping and ur the only other person i’ve seen here will you help me i think i heard a bear” au

“thats the third fucking toy you’ve played with and didn’t know how to turn off in my store pls don’t just try to awkwardly walk away i cAN SEE YOU” au

“i wanted to give you a warm welcome to the neighbourhood by baking you a cake but turns out you’re hella allergic to something i put in and yOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE ABOUT TO DIE HOLY SHIT I FEEL HORRIBLE” au

“idk you but you fell asleep on my shoulder on the bus and the only reason i’m letting you stay there is bc you look very comfy and i’m a good person - it’s totally not bc you’re also possibly the cutest and most precious human being i have ever seen hahah okay maybe a lil” au

“i lost my little brother at the grocery store and you found him and now it seems like you two are best friends and he doesn’t wanna lose contact with you so it seems like i’ll have to get your number - at least your hella cute” au 

“your best friend and my best friend think we’d be really cute together and keep trying to set us up i am so sorry” au

“i forgot my umbrella and you offered to walk me home in the rain and i thought this would be the beginning of a cute love story but you’re really shit at this oh my god my shoulder is so wet, hold the damn thing properly wth man” au 

“hOOOoooOo shit, so you’re the older sibling my best friend always talks about hahah wow tHEY NEVER BOTHERED TELLING ME YOU WERE THIS HOT” au

“HEY STOP! YOU’RE STEALING MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG! WHAT THE FU – oh, they hired a dog walker? hahaha haha.. ha… carry on”

“i’m in the nurse’s office a lot with migraines and you’re always in here organizing her tongue depressors and i really don’t think you go to this school so what gives”

“the building manager neglected to tell me the window washers would be coming by today so excuuuuuuse me for thinking that twenty three floors up was high enough that i could dance around in my office without being seen”

“you’ve been awkwardly inching your way towards the human sexuality section of the bookstore i work at for like fifteen minutes are you looking for something in particular or –?”

“you and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and i’m really just trying to study over here so i’m gonna put an end to this by winning the game”

“it’s 2 in the morning and i was just trying to get home but i left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and i drove into a pole – would you please stop laughing you’re a cop. you’re supposed to be helping”

“my favorite band dropped a new single today and i’ve had it on repeat for seven hours and i can see you judging me but that isn’t going to make me shut it off"

“hey new neighbor it appears that your dog likes me a thousand times better than she likes your partner and they’re really jealous and i’m sorry but not really because hellloooooo there”