atrztc's thoughts and feelings

samira mohan i love you as i see myself deeply reflected in you, thank you for being authentically you, i forgive you for leaving me so soon, please forgive me for missing you even when it isn't good for you.

death follows me in ways i cannot control. through my mind it takes root, consuming me in all its very natures. my heart and body falling deep into this cloud of sorrow and suffering. this constant feeling of sadness and grief for my soul that has yet to perish is everlasting and underlining. ever so often i am fooled by the false emotions of what seems to be happiness only to later be absorbed by that cloud yet again. i cannot control it, i cannot change it, as i know deep in my heart i do not hold the strength to make an action against it. instead i let it linger, i let it consume me. this “sickness” remaining present in my every thought that my mind holds. i do not wish to be sick, i do not wish to stay this way, yet it is hard to see any other way to live, as i have held onto it for as long as i can remember. i know deep in me that one day it may finally grow and spread throughout me, paralyzing my mind until i am left with one thought alone. yet i do not fear for that day’s arrival. instead i sit patiently alone, waiting for death to greet me with a warm smile. i fear that i may even find comfort in its presence and find myself lost in it, so lost i may never return. yet this fear is fading, instead it shifts to a feeling of expeactience, as if there is nothing i can do to change this path and can only wait for it to take its place. the day death greets me i hope i am fearful, though i am not blind and know myself enough to say that i will most likely be relieved. it is an unfortunate thing to admit, yet i am not shameful like most would expect. i am here waiting to greet death in whatever form he may come, though i do not seek it. i find seeking it may change my path that fate has set out and i find it more comforting in knowing death will take me when he sees fit. i will always be alone, ready to greet him. however i will never seek him.