Le coin d'atrix

Sorry I’ve had not much time to artwork lately due my work, but here I have emotional but wholesome poetry! Oh well sort of at least I’m trying I’m better at illustration work than poetry ok! *blush* I just know that his came from the depths of my lonely and tortured soul and  I’ve spent 2 hours crying after writting it, so please go and read it! XD

They think that due not being from there,I have no right to

People arround me, don't understand why I do it

But I do 

I miss french

the way one misses an unrequited love

A family member who passed away

Or a friend you cherished

but later you realized

that he was a mean person

I miss french

The way I miss sunsets by the beach

playing with my siblings 

when we were kids

the way I miss my childhood that is now gone

and the dreams I had at those old times

about being hired by dreamworks

akama studios or disney

or one day working with Miyazaki and Takahata

I miss french

the way I miss my first love

And my first intimate time

that I gifted to my exboyfriend

and for which he didn’t give a dime

The same way I miss my innocence

my self-steem my self-confidence

 that he took away with his violence

I miss french

The same way I miss the glory days

of my adolescence

when my parents loved me for who I was

And we all though 

that I had a great future as an illustrator

And animator

And they din’t called me a looser

I miss french

Like something who was taken away from me

since long time ago

Something I cherished so

Deep in my heart

and I know it will never come back

Because it was never there for a start

Do o you know why Jacques from finding nemo is a really awesome and cool character?

Cos he was always there to help his friends with the crazy scape plan, even knowing it might or might not work Even when they treated him like a maid rather than a friend, never showing any appreciation towards him. Either friendship or even gratitude.

The other characters (specially Gill) were always bossing him around, asking him to do stuff for them and help. But NEVER in the entire movie they said "please Jacques would you..." or "thank you Jacques"

But EVEN SO he was there to help every time! and he never complained!

That is called having a beautiful big heart.

When I was a kid, I remember there was a time where I wanted to be accepted by my classmates when they got reunited in groups to chat, and I always felt sad if they didn't....until I learned that if they didn't, it was because I was too nice with them that they took it by granted and then they started to use me and abuse of me. I learned that this is the tendency of most human beings, that when you give them all your love and admiration they tend to give it for granted and don't appreciate it. Even if some of them don't do it with bad intentions. However, there are some people who are mean by heart, they even can blackmail you and use you, asking you doing things for them they want but they know they are unethic. Most of my time I was clever enough to get that people trick me to do something like that to be friends, cos I realized that friends don't do that!   Friends, and people who love you in general, would never want you to be hurt or to get in trouble doing something than you know and they know it's morally/ethically wrong, illegal or that will hurt you physically or emotionally. So many times I preferred to lose a fake friend than to get in trouble for a bad prank or something like that. Now I am older, I realize that was the best decision cos those weren't good people anyways. Once I did get blackmailed into doing something for someone I loved tough...because love can blind you, and manipulative and abusive people/boyfriends/girlfriends can play with your mind, and take away your self-confidence and self-steem. Here is it if you would like to see:

https://atrixfromice.tumblr.com/post/703143258780516352/the-terrifying-truth-of-

I'm still dealing with the sequels of this painful and traumatic experience. And guilt still haunts me, I still regret of that...

But thanks goodness it's been almost a year I've been almost a year I don't see my ex, and I've learned a lot from that experience. I've learned that find real friends (people who truly loved me and cared about me, and always want the best for me) I need to be myself, and be loyal and firm with my morals and ethics. And to love yourself fist, so others can love you. So, don't let others change your moral ideologies! And give yourself love, and give your love, respect and admiration only to the people who deserve it; the people who treat you with the same love, respect and dignity you give them! That's what I've been doing since a good time, and it has worked exceptionally. Since I started to do that, I wouldn't say that all, but most of people I've met have been nice to me so far.

And my best advice to identify rea great friends from fake or toxic ones is, friends would never want to hurt you! 

* will never want to make you do something you think it will hurt you (either physically or emotionally) or that it's againts your moral values, or that will get you in trouble with someone, or that will get your in danger.

*Will never be jealous of your sucess. If something cool and amazing happens to you, they’ll always be happy about it. They will always help you to achieve your dreams, and you’ll do the same for them.

*They will give you your personal espace. They will never want to absorb all your attention or being jealous cos you spend time with other people. And if someday they feel left aside (cos sometimes humans tend to give good friends for granted so it might arrive) they will always struggle to let you know how they feel in a gentle and calm way. They will never search to get nto a fight with you.

*They will be there in the good and the bad times. If they only come when things seem cool and nice for you and flee and never comfort you on bad moments, or only comes to you when they’re having a bad time or to ask you money/favors, then that’s not a real friend. A real friend loves and cares about you the same way they love and care for themselves. So they’re with you in all your moments, the good, the bad, the scariest and saddest ones.

* The relationship will be uplifting for both of you.They will enjoy to talk about stuff you both like, but you both also have to be open minded to try the hobbies and likes of each other from time to time. Your friend will give you energy and happiness, and vice-versa, they’ll also feel happy and fullfilled when you’re arround. 

 Little something I did on august 7 of this year (2022) 

I haven’t been very inspired to draw in these months, so I decided to do some decoration stuff.^^ 

Hi there folks, hope you’ve been well! 

First I'd like to say, my most sincere apologies for not being too active on the internet for a long while...and not drawing as I used to. I imagine only young adults my age or plus follow this site, but, even so I guess make this warning.

Some delicate subjets will be talked of in there, discretion is advised.

I just...I've been feeling a down and unmotivated the past months...I think I haven’t managed well the break down with my ex, but it was even worse what I lived when I was with him.

I’m trying to overcome this traumatic experience, and get over it...But it’s been really hard!

Cos since I broke up with my ex I feel like an empty shell...Like someone who has been defeated in a battle...and since then I've been struggling to stand up..

To stand up and...find some joy sense in life again!  

... to keep living...and trying to find joy again on art, and the other little things I used to love and enjoy...But I can’t. I haven’t drawn much, and I haven’t sleep well or eaten well since then.

I’ve even saved and tried to see and talk a teraphist about what happened (just a couple of times cos I don’t have much money) but that doesn’t make me feel better. 

And I think it’s cos I’ve been dealing with this huge burden on my shoulders alone.

Today I had an epiphany, of what I might probably need to free my heart from this sorrow, anguish and depression. It's a bit unorthodox I know...but I think THIS IS the only thing that will help me to free my heart, and finally move on.

Also I’m in great part talking about this, so it doesn’t happen to someone else.

You folks, have been the driving force, the motivation that have helped me to continue finding joy in life and making the art I love when things my personal life have been difficult. I know you don't only see me as a source of entertaintment, but you appreciate me and not only my art, and for that I'm deeply grateful!

Alors s'il vous plait aidez moi! Help me by reading this and caring, I need your comfort and support more than ever!

 I'll try to honor this appreciation making more art and, hopefully start leaving this awful experience behind

My ex boyfriend...

,,,He abused of me emotionally and sexually...

...He raped me.

 And after that he told me that if I’d ever tell someone about this, nobody would believe me cos we were boyfriend and girlfriend. And that it was ok.

It’s the first time I’m saying this, cos it’s something really hard to aknowledge and accept, let alone writting it on a journal.  But I’ll do it if this finally frees my heart from this pain, from the nightmares I have every night.

 “But how, if you never had sex cos you were an online couple”  you might wonder?

Well, yes. 

But people can abuse of you sexually and emotionally, no matter if you are dating face to face or on a distance relationship on the internet. 

From his point of view the sexual aspect always was a very important on a romantic relationship, he said. But he also was very possesive, controlling and jealous due his own personal insecurities and conflicts. Which is never a good combination.

At first I didn’t realized how controlling he was, cos he started making little suggestion that seemed nice and harmless like “how about dressing up more like this girl on instagram, I think it’s hot” or “hey darling could you put up some makeup and take sexy photos of you for me, you know I like metal purple lipstic and this lingerie” 

By default I don’t like to wear makeup cos my skin it’s very sensitive, and I never liked metal purple as lipstic color. Plus! I wasn’t sure if I was comfortable with taking photos of myself in lingerie.

But I did it for him a few ocassions, to make him happy. I excused him and I thought this was a normal thing that happens on relationships cos he said he only “wanted to put salt and pepper to your relationship” 

But it was a lie, folks. A really big lie! 

Now in retrospective, I can understand he just did all this cos he didn’t actually loved me. He only wanted someone he could mold to the idea he had of how he wanted a girl to be.

So, he gradually became more and more demanding. I didn’t had time to see it, and I suddenly I found myself doing stuff I hated on a daily basics, just because he liked it or had a fetish with it, and cos if I didn’t do it, he would get mad at me and say “I didn’t loved him enough to please him”.  Because if I didn’t do it, he said he was going to abbandon me and look up for a girl on his town near to him.

There were a lot of awful things he did, but make the story short I’ll tell just a few:

I spent months cutting my hair on different ways until he was pleased with it, and every month spending my money to maintain this haircuit, which only he liked, and I didn’t liked!

I changed my usual way to dress into what he loved. He “gifted me” a couple of pretty clothes, but he didn’t want me to wear anything that made me pretty outside him. He only wanted me to wear the pretty clothes to take photos of me to gift him.

And he made sure of it, cos every day I went to work he wanted to see a photo of myself with the excuse that “he missed my face” at first. But later, asking for it like if I was obligated to do it, and saying “I didn’t love him if I forgot his photo”

I stopped to eat what I liked and what I enjoyed, like coffee, because he said that coffee was bad for the health.

I stopped going to excercise outside cos he was jealous someone would try to courship me. And I couldn’t buy new clothes or accessories without him “opining about it and giving me his suggestions cos he knew more than me about fashion”. Cos if I didn’t do it he would feel offended and wont talk me for weeks.

One day I remember I bought up a new scarf cos it was winter and felt cold. And he got super mad asking me if “another man have bought it for me”. 

Things got worse when he asked me to talk with him 2 hours minimum every day. And he wanted me to leave my hobbies and passions. Soon I started to leave aside my artwork. I had to stop talking with the few friends I had, cos if I commented on their art on their social networks or if I make them a giftart, he would get mad and wouldn’t talk me in weeks. 

I got insolated from my friends, and also from family, cos he hated when my family went to visit or I went to visit my mom. Cos he felt I loved him less.

One day he got the idea on his mind that he wanted me to wear piercings, and went mad cos I told him that it was something I wouldn’t never do. He mistreated me and and insulted me for months over this.

And Christmas and new year passed from being a joyful and fun celebrations, to be the worse of celebrations, cos he always wanted me to say alone in my home to watch films with him, instead of passing christmas a while with my family and a while with him, as it would have been more reasonably. And he blackmailed me saying that “he felt not loved” cos I wanted to spend one celebration with him and one with my family.

And now the sexual part...He started with the “suggestive pics” and later asked more and more explicit sexual pics, some of which were nude, and in poses I felt very uncomfortable about making, but I did it cos at that point I was too invested on the relationship that I was afraid of him not loving me anymore and abandoning me.

But it wasn’t the worse...the worse was to come.

He wanted more. More than nude pics or pics of me in lingerie. He wanted a video of me...masturbating. But not on the external way like one would think. He wanted a video of me “fingering” as people would say in english.

At the first time he asked me this of course I said no. And I explained that it was because by my moral beliefts, I’d like to keep my virginity until the day he and I went and married, because like that we would enjoy it a lot more.

He went mat for this, saying that “he wasn’t religious and he didn’t want to marryr” So I told him “well, then we should wait to do it until we could be able to meet face to face at least” I tried to explain him that for me, this kind of act not being made face to face seemed like something ephemeral and rather emphy, and I wouldn’t enjoy it at all.

But he insisted and insisted on the idea for months. And everytime I said “no I’m not comfortable with idea” he would try to put me examples of “other women who were more open minded and could enjoy their bodies better” and said I didn’t wanted to do this cos I feared my body (which was not true by the way, cos I used to enjoy my body very much...at least before this experience, that is.)

And then that one day, it was a Sunday. He called me and asked if I had a free time to make a skype on live call cos he wanted “to draw with me and chill”. But it was a lie. And I didn’t know...that was going to be the day that would ruin my life and break my heart forever...

At that day he talked me about this idea for the 500 times I think. Arguing about why “It was going to be a cool thing” but I didn’t believe any of that. Then he got mad and said that he felt I didn’t loved him, and he couldn’t wait any longer to have this “more intimate sexual experience”. He said he couldn’t wait until the day we meet face to face, and that we should make a live where I would finger myself in front of him and if I didn’t do it, he was going to abandon me, and go find a girlfriend on his town. And plus, telling bad rummors to my friends about me so they wouldn’t want to talk me anymore.

So...I had to do it...I put my finger inside my vagina like he said, and tried to wiggle it like he said...

Excuse me if I don’t describe it more in detail, but remembering that day still hurts my heart and is difficult...Even today.

I can say though...that nothing “cool” or “enjoyable”  happened. The entire process was extremely painful, and filled with a lot of guilt, anguish and fear.

And when I finished, he only said “hey thanks it was ok but, next time could you react more like you were enjoying it? like girls on porn vids”

Then he realized it was getting late for him to feel his pets and told me “see you tomorrow to hang out at the same hour babe. But don’t be late cos I got stuff to do!”

I just told him good night and closed skype...

.. and I started crying uncontrolably.

I spend up all my afternoon and night crying, until I fell asleep. Cos I realized a lot of things at once.

I realized he had raped me, cos I didn’t want to do it, I wasn’t agree with that idea at all! I was blackmailed on the most cruel way.

I realized I have given him up my virginity, my soul and body, the most important part a woman can give a man, and he didn’t appreciate it or even aknowledged the value of it! 

I realized... I’ve been ruined my “first time”, my first sexual experience, and I could never have another “first time”.

Also, that to the eyes of my family and the community in my town, I was now worthless.

And since that day I think I stopped loving him, or caring about if he couldn’t abandon me or not. Cos I felt highly betrayed and couldn’t forgive him for what he did.

So I told him I wanted to cut out the relationship, because of that but also due the other mean things, because we were in a toxic relationship and he was very possesive and conflicting person. But he didn’t take it well of course, and he menaced me that he was going to post the photos he had of me in lingerie online if I wanted to break up with him. Send those photos to my friends and family (mutual friends on social networks) and to the people I was asking for illustration work, and tell them I was a wore and ruin up my future career as an illustrator.

So I stayed for a while more, but started to drown depression due all the suffering he was causing me, feeling always in fear that I couldn't scape of that situation. And the scariest part it’s I couldn’t tell any of this to my mom, cos she suffers of blood pressure issues and he needs a life without stress or worries.

Thanks goodness, my friend faik, was there to help me. 

He told me. "M’ija, this dude is just all tongue, is a coward. He's not going to do any of what he's menacing to do" 

So, at the end Faik, and later a couple of other friends, helped me as a moral support to finally get the courage to break up with him. And block him from all the sites we used to contact.

But he insisted he wanted me to come back with him with and he came back to stalk me and message me with multiple accounts, it seemed I couldn't stop it. So I left deviantArt and also twitter and all of sites I used to use and post my art on for a pretty good time.

So that's why, I also had to quit places that saw me born as an artist. It was one of the most difficult and sad things I had do in my life...And I insolated myself from you and other peeps I loved dearly and cared about. Because he menaced with telling gossip about me again, so nobody would want to hang out with me anymore.

And bully them if they didn't believe him. So, I think at the end it was the wisest thing to do. And faikel was agree there wasn’t much of a choice at the moment.

Well...all sites, except here. Because here is the only place he doesn’t know cos he doesn’t like it.

 I have very few friends....And Friends are difficult to find as you grow up. So, I think I wouldn't have forgiven myself if he would have hurt you or the others friends I care about. Or if I would have lost you my friends, by his fault.

I don't know what will happen in the future, or if things will get better..

I’m not sure if one day, I’ll have the courage to tell my mom that my exboyfriend raped me...I fear that with her health she will not be able to take it and dies from cerebral haemorrhage. Doc said this could happen if he receives shocking news.

...I'm not sure if I'll ever come back to the other sites I use...

Or if in this account I will get to have a the big community of fans like in others sites I had, like d)A for example...

Maybe things will never be the same...

But maybe...

Maybe..

I’d like to think...maybe things will get better with time...And I’ll be able to leave all this traumatic experience behind.

True is my mental and emotional health is fragile now, and my mom's emotional and physical health too (cos she suffers from blood pressure and she stress a lot when I've told her people are bugging me online) so for now, this is the wisest choice.

And I appreciate and cherish in my heart a lot that you've come to follow me here and you’re still here, to keep making me company in this art journey! 

Vegetables party today for my little escargot babies! The menu was beta vulgaris and Daucus carota, they liked it a lot! :D

Hey howdy folks! I just write this, cos there are peeps who remember my love for the 90′s cartoon show Rescue Rangers, so they keep sending me videos of the trailers and teasers and they ask me who it doesn’t make me excited XD So I thought about doing this on a journal so you could see.

Y’know, I don't remember this online art sharing bussiness was this complicated, when I started to do it back on the 90's. 

In nowadays almost everything in cartoons is "politically incorrect" & people are always there to judge you & set you on fire due a phrase, even if you didn't mean to offend anybody. 

Recently I've heard lots of articles that say, that several cartoons are “wrong”.  For example; thumbelina is wrong, Rock-a-doodle is wrong, the little mermaid, the powerpuff girls, 90's animaniacs, Antz, Bee movie, Dumbo....The Aristocats is wrong! 

It seems like everything you would do in a cartoon to make a fun and interesting plot, every joke in the 90′s was funny and was innocent, now it’s wrong. Everything is wrong!

Everything, except making the characters gay/transexual/lesbian, etc. And further, if you don’t make your characters gay on your project, they people say your cartoon is awful and “politically incorrect”. Which it’s a silly and disrespectful way of thinking, cos, while it’s nice and cool for the LGTBQ+ community to get represented more through characters in visual media. Not EVERY movie and cartoon should include gay characters.

Not sure if you know what I mean? I mean, is not a “must”. If a creator doesn’t think that making their characters gay will add something more the story they are going to tell, then they aren’t obligated to do it, that doesn’t make them bad people. There are a lot of histories that doesn’t include romance even! And it is OK to have stories like that too.

Oh and, another problem in “what it’s correct” on the 21 century! Is the people who think that presenting intelligent, independent and beautiful female characters on cartoon shows or animated movies is “politically incorrect” now! So this is precisely why they took Hellow nurse off the new Animaniacs Reboot, and deleted Miss Bellum from the new version of The powerpuff girls.

.....WHAT THE HECK IS THIS IDEA!?!?! O_O Like...seriously... What crazy and stupid individual came up with it?

Having a strong and beautiful female character in a show or movie is not a bad thing! 

Is a good thing! 

It’s a WONDERFUL thing!!! 

And for the jokes that in the 90′s were funny and now are “politically incorrect” , well... people don't realize cartoons are cartoons. 

They are for entertaining. They were not 100% realistic, nor to be taken too seriously. 

So what I want to mean with all this, you might think?

Well, my point is this: If they are doing this new Rescue Rangers movie with the standars of what is “politically right” on this century, then the movie promises to be a really boring one! Because most of the jokes from the 90′s original show, nowadays could be easily consider “of bad taste”. So this will take away a lot of the soul and the fun moments 90′s series had. First reason I don’t seek for this movie with enthusiasm.

Also, if they’re going to take off Gadget from the new movie just cos they think (as some people have said ) "she's too beautiful and sexy for a kids movie" like they did with Miss Bellum and Hello nurse, I think this movie is going to be a boring one too. 

Cos she was one really great character! A great role model for young girls!  I liked her precisely cause of that. Cos she was beautiful, but wasn't presented as a sexual icon. And she was intelligent, but also modest, and she was a strong woman. 

Also the other thing in the trailer that makes me think I’m not going to enjoy this movie. It’s that the story plot seems weak. They look like they’re going to present a bung of famous characters to try to save the lame story, that it will be probably like another “who framed Roger rabbit”, and they are going to try too hard to make “fun jokes” by mocking the old animation in old movies/shows. Which in itself it’s very lame and disrespectful, cos there is a lot of work behind those animation works.

Animators dedicated their life to animate those works! As an animator, I feel this very disrespectful (I’d dare to say...even, offensive) cos I know all the hard work, time and effort that it’s put when you make animation. 

Many animators devoted their entire life to animate some of the first 3D animation shows like Reboot, Beast wars, Shadow raiders, and a lot of videogames, too.

Hey howdy folks! How you’re doing!

I know I haven’t posted new drawings for a good good while, but it’s cos it’s been a whole lot of things that have happened so fast that I couldn’t get time to write it before. A whole lot of things!! 

First my mom got blood pressure issues, then heartbreak I had with that dude that at the end happened that turned out to be (or he was already but he didn’t realized before I dunno) gay, and later my mom had an accident in her job and now she’s got back problems. So she can’t work now, so I had to find a second job to help her with her household expenses and also keep paying my daily bills, groceries, and all that stuff. 

And right now, my mom is better, but now it’s me who’s having health issues! :(

I've had a rough week starting, because this weekend I had a lot of ear ache and fever. But since there's no doctor working on weekends in my city, it was until  today I went to the doctor for a check up, and she told me I have otitis!

And that it has been getting worse and worse over the time, and asked me why I didn't get an appointment to the doctor sooner.

In fact, it's been like since a month and a half I've had itch and pain on my ear, but before it wasn't that intense as it is now, so I've been trying some home remedies for it (which didn't work, by the way) but not cos I didn't want to go to the doctor, but cos before I had no money for it.

It was until I got my first payment from my recent comission work, my new job (the second I've recently got) and my frist job (the one I've got on the start of this month of March) that I could get enough for it.

Anyways, to make the story short, the doc said that ear infections are dangerous, but that she thinks I came up in good time before having damage on my ear. So she prescribed me a strong antibiotic and an anti-inflammatory. So I think I'll have to rest for a while.

So I'll probably be "on the bench"  for a few days, probably 2 or 3 days at least, because I'll be a bit lethargic due the medicine for a while. But I hope I can feel a bit better by Wednesday or thursday to make my stream of the week. If I don't I'll let you know, too. So you don't wait for nothing.

Here another drawing from my collection of "oldies but goodies", I did this one for inktober 2016. Of  This time one of my favorite characters, Frankie!

Hi my folks!

Hey...

sorry about my lack of art lately! I owe you an apology... I wasn't sure if talking about this, but I imagine that sooner or later it will reflect in my art anyways, so, I thought I'd talk about it a bit.

I think I've spent a lot of time trying so hard to befriend this guy I found last year's December and I fell in love with, that I've spent the very few free time I have (when I wasn't looking for a job) trying to befriend him. But things didn't really turned out well for me.

I imagine you would like to hear the end of this story... though.

Well, time passes and I thought I had at least catched his attention, because he started to follow me on Twitter. So I felt myself lucky and I thought to take the advice that my mom and Faikel gave me, and to try to get closer to him to form a good friendship and after that to tell him about my feelings for him.

So that was my plan. And I thought it was a good one...it seemed like a good plan.

...But today I went to see what was new on my social networks, and saw on his Twitter a post about him meeting a girl a couple of days ago, and announcing they were dating.

Which it's strange to me cos it's a person who appeared from nowhere, recently joined to twitter and has only 1 tweet O_O And if you look for her on other sites on the internet, there's nothing. In my case I know him since last year's December.

In any case. As you can imagine...this is probably the end for this story.

And the end of my hopes to find a true love...

Cos you know, I'm one of these peeps who, when they fall in love, their heart belongs to only one person. So this probably means...

...that I'll be all alone for all the rest of my life.

I feel devastated! This news broke up my heart into very tiny pieces, and I think they cannot be repaired...

And honest to God I don't know what to do!

What I should do now? Should I keep following him and trying to cultivate the friendship? Or should I just unfollow him and remove him from my social networks, to not suffer in the future?

Why God let's these things happen?

What I can do to take away the pain?....

Also... I can't help but wonder, if I picked up the wrong advice, I mean, if I was too slow and I should have told him my feelings like @chateaudecoolette advised me, instead of waiting, like my other friend, my mom and Faik advised me.

I wonder if I'd have had any chance with him, too. I mean, seeing how much I struggled to make him notice me, maybe I wouldn't have had much chance with him anyways. I think if he was in love with me whe we met, he would have payed me attention since the beginning and talked to me...and that didn't happen.

One doesn't choose to who you fall in love with...it just happens.

...But one can choose what to do if things don't come out well for you and you're not loved back.

I do love him, with all my heart! And I only wish for him happiness and that all his dreams come true! And of course, I'd like to become a good friend of him one day. And I'll always love him and support him, even if he never love me the same way. Bev's that's how true love is.

So I pray right now... I pray for God's wisdom.