#personal life

I used to brag on here occasionally about my husband. Well, turns out I was playing the fool. He had a whole secret life and fast forward through the past few years of absolute hell, I am *finally* divorced, though financially ruined. I did the foolish thing as a young woman and left the workforce to keep my family flexible enough to follow and support his career, and I’m paying for it. But, I found a stable enough job, with benefits, and after a year of living off ramen and begging, borrowing, and bleeding for it, I bought a house.

She’s from 1940 and has holes in her floor I patched with hand-me-down linoleum and partially furnished with the help of generous friends and family, and it’s hard to keep her heated, but there isn’t a lying controlling gaslighting cheater in her destabilizing my nervous system and abusing me, so that’s a win.

It's 1:30 in the morning and I feel so compelled to write this. I just spent the last hour having such a good conversation with my husband. We discussed sexuality within media, representation we are so happy our children's generation will have vs. what little we had respectively. We talked about indie films/artists/writers and the beauty they create that is so underappreciated. How sometimes they get a chance and I want to celebrate it to the fullest extent. We talked about how I love actors that act more through their face than their actual words. We talked about how media should not and never should be made for 'everyone' because we lose sight of passion when we water it down to please the masses. We spoke over literature that was beyond its time when it was written and literature now that has little to no value other than provided escapism (and in the end is that an even bigger value?). We went round and round in several circles speaking to each other late into the night as friends should do.

By no means do my husband and I have a perfect marriage. Perfect marriages are overrated. But damn if I don't love a man who listens to me talk in circles about influential writers/directors/actors and who in these realms have made me excited for life and for my own work again. In the last two months I have gone on a journey in several different types of media, that has helped me approach my work and life differently. It would be so easy to be dismissive of it. It would be so easy for him to continue to play games while I spoke or for me to get self conscious because I have been told I get too passionate. Instead, he put down his controller, contributed, and the two of us after 12 years together, still had things to learn about each other.

I try not to post about my personal life too often, but I think I’d like to let you know about this one thing.

My best friend and namesake of my blog, Chaz, passed away on Monday at age 15. He was the sweetest, kindest dog in the entire world. No matter what you did, he trusted you and loved you.

So, if you feel like it, dedicate your next snack to my buddy Chaz ❤️

I'm broke but I can't leave them like this.