hakuna matata yah!

HUGE TW, PROCEED WITH CAUTION: jeonghan commits suicide, reader attempts suicide, mentions of sh, lots of grief.

hey hannie… i know we haven’t talked in a while but… i had some really bad thoughts. i’m scared and i don’t know what to do and… i feel like i was about to do something stupid. but i thought i should text you first, you know? i know you probably won’t respond because you’ve been so busy but… i hope i can just stay here for a while. i really don’t want to do anything stupid. i feel safer with you, jeonghan. i miss you so much. i’ve been thinking about you all day… and i really miss you. i’m not sure as to why that feeling is so strong today compared to any other day… but i can’t get you off my mind and it’s driving me insane. i’ll just try to go to bed now, i guess. i love you so much, hannie. sorry, i probably said much more than i should have but… goodnight… sweet dreams!

hi… i don’t know if you’re gonna see this but i just checked your tiktok to see if you were active… yk. is that weird? maybe that’s weird. it says you haven’t been active in a while and i’m starting to get worried hannie… you haven’t texted in a while and you haven’t been sending me things or reposting anyways and i’m so scared… i’m sorry for sending all this, i just hope you’re okay. the thought of losing you is just so sickening to me… and i guess once i started thinking about that, i never really stopped. i can’t get it all out of my mind, hannie. i really just hope you’re safe. if you ever want to talk about something, just let me know hannie. i love you so much. i’m sorry for texting again, it just felt wrong to stop.

my mother and i had a really long talk today about my mental health. we don’t talk much… you know that already. i bet you’ll be surprised to hear that when you get back… if you come back. it’s been really bad lately, hannie. it’s scary being in a word like this, i just don’t know how to live anymore. i’m slowly losing everyone and… i’m kind of losing myself too. i wish i never left everything behind me and kept talking to you… maybe we would be friends again. she asked me what makes me happy, but i couldn’t think of anything. all that popped up in my mind was you, hannie. so i told her your name. she asked me who you were, but i didn’t really know how to explain our relationship to her. she didn’t pry like she usually does. i told her how you make me feel better. thank you for everything, jeonghan. she says she thanks you too. also… i saw you listening to music earlier !! so… at least you’re okay! i love you, just text if you need me.

ah. sorry i just… i don’t know what to say. i’m not sure if you’re gone gone… but if you’re still alive, i hope you’re okay. and if you’re not, i’ll miss you so much. i hope it’s okay if i still… text and stuff. if it’s not, just let me know. i know your family is gonna delete your stuff on your birthday… which means i have at least a couple months before our conversations are deleted… but i hope it’s okay to hang out here till then. i wish you were okay, hannie. maybe not happy, but okay enough to at least survive. thank you for trying regardless. i know how badly you were struggling. you are so incredibly strong, hannie. i will never forget about everything that you have done for me. thank you, jeonghan. i love you so dearly. 

this is so weird. i’ve never truly prepared myself for the possibility of you being gone one day, and now i feel like it's been thrown into my face. i’m drowning under my own feelings and i can’t seem to take control of them, so i guess i’ll just let them all out here. i’ve been thinking about you. dreaming about you. whatever that means… and i’m really hurt. i’m not mad or disappointed in you, because you did what you thought was best for you at that moment. it just hurts me that you thought no one would care about your absence, or that maybe we would forget about it when everyone ran into their own issues again. i wish you knew that it couldn’t be farther from the truth.

i’ll miss you so much, jeonghan. i will think about you the way i have been thinking about you this week. i’ll read through our old messages over and over again until i’ve memorised every conversation. i’ll tell you i love you like you’re still there to hear it. loss is such a weird thing, because i’ve never experienced it like this. not with someone that i love so much. i wonder if the guilt you felt about our situation contributed to what happened in the end. i was being selfish and stupid and i shouldn’t have said anything. i fell for you harder and harder, even thought you didn’t love me, and i started to grow more attached despite us only talking twice a week. my heart aches without you, jeonghan. i don’t know what to do… i really don’t. you always knew what to do. i wish you were here.

i guess it’s not such a big deal now because you’ll never see this, but i had this bad gut feeling that something was wrong. i said i missed you more than usual. i felt that the whole week. i still do, han. i don’t know what to do without you, and i’m scared because i don’t know what to do about this all. the uncertainty is terrifying. i woke up to a slurry of messages from everyone, asking where you’ve gone. it hurt, because i was just as clueless as the rest of them. i wish i could have just told you i loved you for the last time. it’s scary to think about forever without you in it. i had so many dreams for us, dreams for us to get better and be happy again. i’ll stay strong for you, my hannie. wherever you are, i hope this was the best decision for you. if you’re alive, you’re always welcome to come back. but if not… i hope the afterlife treats you better than the world did. i love you forever, jeonghan. thank you for saving me, i’m sorry that i was unable to save you.

everyone’s gone. i miss your comfort. i don’t think anyone really likes me anymore, hannie. but there’s not really a reason for them to keep me around, i guess. i don’t think i will ever get over what happened, to be honest. not with you… not with them. i don’t know where to go from here. maybe it would be easier if i was gone too. i don’t have much time before you account is deleted and everything is wiped… i’m really scared hannie. i can’t sleep. i’m missing our usual late night conversations. i reread something you sent me a long time ago, and it gave me the same butterflies as it did back then. it makes me wonder if im actually getting over you, or if im simply distracting myself with other things. i hope you’re well and okay. well… you’re gone… i guess you’re not well or okay. i miss you. i feel numb. i wish you could come back. things aren’t the same anymore.

hi. i don’t know why i texted you like you were going to respond… i’m sorry. i hope the world is kinder to you in the next life, hannie. i feel kind of silly for texting sometimes, knowing that i’ll never get a response anyways. i’m not really sure what i should do. i only have a month left before this is all deleted. i’m thinking about things and i know that it’s not right to text you… but i really can’t get these feelings out elsewhere. i’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, hannie. i don’t know how to get it out anymore. i haven’t been coping well, not at all. i don’t know if you’re dead, or just offline for good… but regardless, you’re gone. i just hope that you’re offline. that you got sick of me, of everyone. or that you just couldn’t handle it. maybe you’re healing. i wish you had more love, more affection growing up. i wish i never fell for you. i’m so sorry, i just don’t know who else to speak to.

i miss you. i feel like i’ve been trying to text you less lately. i’m scared that if i constantly text like i used to… i’ll become too attached again. i’ll stay attached, and then when everything is deleted… i’ll be torn. i want to get over everything. i want to get over you. but… i lost my best friend. it’s hard. i’m terrified for tomorrow. i won’t be able to text again. i have everything already prepared for your birthday but it’s freaking me out so bad and i just want it all to end. i want you to come back… it doesn’t matter if we talk or not. i want you to be okay… i’m scared. i don’t want everything to be erased. i want to continue texting. please be alive.

hi my dear. i know this will never reach you and i know this is the last message i’ll ever be able to send to you… but i hope that our time as friends was at least worth it to you. i know that even while having friends, it is impossible to fix everything. i hope i made you feel better… at the very least. i think it’s easier to imagine that you’re at least peaceful now. i still love you just the same, and i’m so proud of you for coming so far despite your circumstances. it’s going to be difficult for me to not have a way to at least imagine that i’m texting you… but i think it’ll be easier to deal with. i was able to see the real parts of you, hannie, and that meant everything to me. i admire you for everything you’ve done, and i’ll continue to admire you forever. thank you so much for everything. the love, the jokes, everything. to whoever is deleting his account… i’m so sorry that you had to see this. and for the very last time, i love you, hannie. you’re still my best friend, always. happy birthday <3

it’s… nearing the end of the day. i’m really confused hannie, none of your accounts have been deleted yet. i really hope they haven’t forgotten about you again. the thought of them all forgetting about you again hurts me. i know that it’s what you wanted, but it still feels so wrong, does that make sense? how could they forget about someone as amazing and unique as you? maybe i care too much. i hate the way my brain thinks. i miss you. i really really miss my best friend. i don’t know why you’re gone. you left without warning but now it’s like everyone's forgotten about you. no one mentions your name anymore. am i the only one that still hasn’t moved on?

hi hannie! i miss you so much!! i tried forgetting about… all of this… but i think i’ve realised that it’s quite impossible. i’ll probably be texting pretty frequently. i try to be silly like this sometimes… but i really just miss you. i’m scared about the future. do you think there’s a reason that everyone hates me? my family is fighting over me again, over my future. would it be easier to just… run? maybe it would be better if i had no future at all. i’ve realised that… i don’t really think i was meant to be loved and stuff. i’ll just live life, forget about love for a while. i hope it’ll find me some time. 

hannie. do you think… anyone will give us the time of day? as a thought, i mean. maybe they’ll think about you sometimes. maybe they’ll think about me. it makes me wonder because… what if they don’t care about you anymore? it’s been four months. do you think it’s bad that i still consider you my friend? or is it just because… nevermind. i’m not sure what i’m thinking. i just have a lot on my mind and i miss you. i want you to come back somehow, even though it’s entirely impossible. i don’t think i’m okay… i’m not feeling very well, not at all. maybe i’ll see you sooner than i thought i would, hannie. 

i love you. thank you for being my best friend when i needed you. you always knew exactly what to say to comfort me and… i’m just sorry that i wasn’t there when you needed me. i know you never told me what was going on.. but i feel guilty for not realising that you truly weren’t okay. you always seemed to be able to sense when something was wrong with me. i wish i could have done the same for you. maybe then, you’d still be here with me. it's been a month since your birthday has passed. your account hasn't been deleted yet… i wonder if they all really forgot about you. i didn’t though! i know it doesn’t mean anything now but… you’ll always have me.

do you know how long i’ve been like… lying to myself? i keep praying that you’re there. maybe not reading this. maybe not with family and… maybe not even free. but alive. healing, hopefully. but alive, at the very least. you gave love a completely different meaning. i have never felt so close to a friend. i don’t think the reality of you actually being gone ever set in. i don’t think it will ever set in. i don’t think you understood how much our friendship meant to me. i’m not really sure how much it meant to you, and i don’t think i will ever know that. but you helped me… you saved me. or, at least a part of me. i want you back.

i’ve realised that the term ‘love is blind’ does not only apply to romantic relationships, but to platonic ones too. i loved you and i was so blinded by that… by the chances of us maybe becoming something… that when i finally got over you, i looked back at everything. i watched you lose your spark. as a friend, i didn’t notice. everyday of my life i regret falling for you. i can’t imagine how much stress it put on you. you felt pressured to love me and that’s the last thing i wanted. i just wanted to show you that you weren’t unlovable. that i could help you, maybe, and we’d be okay. i hope that you can forgive me, hannie. i miss you so much.

i wonder, is it still too late to bail out of life? sometimes i think about how you did it. i’m so different from you, but somehow completely the same. it’s weird that we lived such different lives yet wished for the exact same ending, isn’t it. death used to scare me… not knowing what comes after that. does it all just go black? or is there much more to it…? it’s such a weird feeling… contemplating something like this. it hurts, knowing that this is the pain you felt every single day. i’m listening to your playlist again and again, reading through our old messages… i’m doing anything to convince myself to stay here. but truly, death isn’t scary anymore. i’m just tired of living.

hannie… i don’t think i love you that way, not anymore. but i love you regardless. and somehow, the platonic love means so much more than the romantic ever did. i’m sorry that you were so hurt. that you felt so much pain. i’m sorry that you did something so terrible to yourself so often. but your life was worth something, and it’s still worth everything to me. i don’t know where you are now. you’ve been offline, no trace of anything left behind. but i hope you’re still alive, somewhere. maybe not happy just yet, but alive anyways. i’ll be there with you soon, i promise. and if we never get to see each other again, i hope you know how much you mean to me. goodnight, hannie. i’m closing my eyes forever, this time. i love you so much, jeonghan.

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