scarlita

I’m too much. Too emotional. Too stubborn. Talk too much. Too loud. Too happy. Too annoying. Too clingy. Too possessive. Too helpful. Too caring. Too selfish. Too conceited. Too smart. Too guarded. Too eager. Too serious. I’m not emotional enough. I give in too easy. I don’t say enough in a conversation. I don’t leave my room enough. I don’t smile all the time. I don’t care enough. I’m detached. I’m too attached. I don’t reach out to friends enough. I overwhelm them with too many texts. I don’t say I love you enough. I bombard with affection.

Not once have I ever been able to just be. I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, though I’m constantly reassured that that’s never the case. But nothing changes in these relationships, and I fall back. Wondering was that too much? Is this okay? Am I still being a good friend? Am I being a bad friend? Do they even want me as their friend? Or hell, does he even love me?

I know where it stems from and I know that there is no real cure for this. I can do any number of therapy and meds but part of me will always feel like this, no matter how much I tell myself that I am enough and the ones that truly love and care about me know that and don’t expect anything more or less from me than just being myself.

I wonder how different my life would be if I wasn’t this way. Would I be where I am now? Who would I be as a person? I’ll never know. But I can only hope in my next life that I’ve been dealt my karma in this one and can live a new one in peace.

I am very sad right now. Sorry. I wish I was better

I type this from the shower