no drums no fun

And I’m going to go to the party with girls who are prettier than me and funnier than me and I’m going to pretend to enjoy myself while looking out of the corner of my eye at the prettier and funnier girls talking to the boys and I’m going to remember how in my head the night was going to go a completely different way and feel disgusted with myself for wanting attention so badly

I wish I wasn’t so sensitive/easily excited

I know it’s unhealthy and I shouldn’t feel it but I’m so jealous of my friend. Not in a way where I’m wishing her bad because she’s so lovely and a brilliant person, but I just want to know what it’s like to be her. Like, so many boys have asked her out/like her, and she just treats them like a minor annoyance: “oh yeah and this guy keeps liking all my posts” but if this was happening to me I would be over the moon. Idk and there’s this guy in my class that I kind of like, he’s sweet and funny, but of course he likes her. I try not to feel these things cause ultimately it’ll just harm me, but it’s so difficult

and while we’re at it I didn’t grow out my hair because I was bored with short hair, I did it so that I would be more conventionally pretty

Genuinely all I want is for a boy to obviously like me and want to be with me and I hate myself for it cause it’s so shallow and my own self esteem should be enough but I feel so undesirable and not like a real girl