dancing with myself

((UPDATES SOON))

guess who bailed??!

here I am, open my tumblr while listening to Banda Neira - trying to write to ease my mind, trying to romanticise my life again.

————

to infinity and beyond.

I was trying to remember when was the last time I felt this way - binge-watching my favourite series or re-run my go to movies (in couple of months I already watched Haikyuu twice, re-run several episode of Attack on Titan, watching Gintama and can’t decide I’m more into Gin or Hijikata, read some mangas, finished Jujutsu Kaisen in few days, crying out loud because of Given - I re-watch it several times of course, finished (and cry in few episodes) Hunter x Hunter in 1,5 month, and the list goes on). I try to dig deep down on my mind, but I can’t really tell, until my friend (thank you so much Day for sharing T_T) sent me this article:

The Delicate Relationship Between Grief and Fanfiction, Explained by A Psychologist

More people have been forcibly separated from their normal routines and coping mechanisms, and more people are experiencing loss and grief. Amid that maudlin atmosphere, a recurring theme I’ve observed is that there’s something uniquely soothing about fanfiction that allows readers to feel a sense of safety and calm.

I lost my dear old man on February - four days before my birthday, one-two months later the world was set on by a virus. This means that I can’t easily going back to Semarang-Jakarta to, you know, meet my mom, together with my family, having a nostalgic conversation about the past when my dad was still around - something like that. And of course all borders are closed, no travelling not even a concert. Of course my concert-goer ass was (AND STILL) in pain - I don’t have my usual coping mechanism to hold on to.

I think anything that is familiar to us right now is incredibly comforting. I mean, our brains are kind of wired to respond to familiarity. We feel safety from seeing the same faces and the same people again and again, whether in our workplace or our school or our neighborhood. 

Can’t really called myself as a big fan of Japan - either as a country or its culture - but surprisingly I visited Japan three (or four?) times already BUT MOSTLY because of music concerts or festivals, then maybe Japan started to have a place in my heart.

My sister won the lottery for Harry Styles’ concert in Tokyo - so I got the chance to see him live. My very first non-english country that I visited I guess, so it was quite challenging and thrilling to communicate there. Met my best friend in Tokyo twice (she was studying in Fukuoka), even just for a very short moment. Staying alive in Fuji Rock Festival with le boyfriend (little did I know that few of my friends were on bet whether we’re going to survive the relationship or not because of this ‘suffer trip’ LOL).

Maybe my brain started to think those few last trips are surreal. I was so sure to say “hey let’s do this again next year!”. I definitely took them for granted. Well here I am now, can’t turn back time - when papi was still around, when I still had the privilege to move around from one place to another, when I had plenty of choices to run, looking for somewhere safe, to escape the day-to-day.

Maybe watch anime, read manga and fanfiction are the closest and the easiest medium that my brain could think of. To let my mind breathe - at ease, so I can feel the warmth and excitement again, because Japan reminds me of the amazing moments that I had, before this almost-apocalypse-time hits. 

It might be therapeutic to read something soft and fluffy and happy-making and to remember that there’s hope.

Maybe I didn’t realize that my head is in constant turmoil. Can I go to concert and festival ever again? When will I be able to travelling freely again? When this will be over? While I’m still longing for the normal era to be present, fanfiction slips into my swimming brain - help me to stay afloat and keep my sanity around.

But at the same time, I think we have a social responsibility to each other — to not completely escape and to push for that oscillation of whatever the individual person can handle. Because that’s the only way things ever change. And that’s the only way in the long run.

So after I read this article, I can say the last time I felt this way (non-stop reading fanfiction, keep watching my comfort series and movies) when I was on that particular miserable relationship, which certainly unhealthy and it killed my mental slowly (but I denied it over and over again, even ALL OF MY BANDUNG GURLS WERE TELLING ME RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE THAT I DESERVED BETTER HUHUHU LOVE YOU ALL).

Thank god I have a supportive boyfriend right now (te amo andinar) and surrounded by positive and loving fams and friends - BUT BUT BUT another unfortunate events strike, I have to deal with another grief - the pain of loss. Losing someone that I love, losing the freedom to travel around, losing the opportunity to meet strangers in a festival, losing beautiful moments that I might run into, and losing the possibility to learn something new that I have planned.

Let me say thank you to you all pretty human beings who wrote top-notch fanfics that can feed my soul. And I’m wishing myself, my families, my friends, and you beautiful people, are in a good health, mentally and physically.

Stay sane and safe.

glad you found each other.

he had a stroke since 2009, it weaken his muscles and somehow he cried easily - whether he’s happy or sad. so that’s why.

people always say that I am my father’s child. the face, the attitude, have a lot of friends, casually cursing, also not good at savings lol. papi was so soooo kind to others and loved by them. by us. - it shown from the day he was still around us until we took him to his final resting place.

losing a parent is a weird feeling. one day I feel numb, the next day (or even secs) I could laugh and feeling happy about something else, but it’s not complete - something’s missing, mostly sad and still can’t really believe that papi is gone. then I will cry. quietly.

“how you feeling?”

my best friend asked this when she came first in the morning to Semarang. I was going to answer “genuinely relieve that he’s no longer in pain now, even though we have to lost him”. turned out it was so much harder than I already thought. I had it on my mind, but I couldn’t say a thing. not a word. all I could do was crying and hold her hand.

“semua orang akan bilang ‘sing ikhlas’ tapi tante tau itu nggak gampang, tante tau rasanya. berdoa terus buat papi, jaga mami.”

are’s mom said that to me. she tried not to blink, so her tears wouldn’t fall. I just nod. 

“if you want to cry, just cry. it’s okay. but please try not to do it in front of your mom..”

are was and still helping me through the hard times. not only take care of me, but also mami, mbak na, and mas randy. I’m beyond thankful for having him as mine.

It’s been 40 days since I lost my funny, handsome, warmhearted old man, who always spoiled me and asked me when will I be home.

I believe that papi had a beautiful life that he lived until he finally left us. 

I bet that he’s crazily happy now up there. walk easily, eat any food without worry, having a road trip, laughing with fam and his friends who already went up there before him, crying, laughing again, spending so much money (wow I so envy), and of course protecting my mom, my sister, my brother and I anytime he wants, anywhere we are. like he always did.

really hope that mas randy, mbak na, and I reflect the best parts of mami and papi, so people would know that they us raised in the most loving way.

I see you when I see you papi.

missing you now and always.

love you lots.

ps: I can’t thank everyone enough, especially my big fambam and my closest homies (love you girls, you know who you are). for those who coming all the way from Jakarta to Semarang then Yogyakarta, also all of you who sending endless prayers from afar.

I miss doing things and doing no-thing on the weekdays in Bandung and all the chatters --

podjok kofie ajalah

plis ke om tante dulu

*mati lampu* *all girls at kos-kosan were running to my room* BEELLLLLL MATI LAMPU

aku mau ke seberang siapa mau titip seblak?

kedai teko yuk

*just finished first day of midterm exam* ayok kita nonton dvd di kosan piki trus pesen juice for you

DI KOSAN AKU ADA YANG KENA HEPA JUGA *all hospitals were full*

kita ke senab trus makan maldicub ya

mampir atm mandiri dulu dong

aduh ada teti (gandok)

kalo ke (name any places) naik angkot apa ya?

ke diskusi alf doooonggg

ikut socratime doooongg

tadi pas aku jaga danus, kak petr* beli choki-choki trus bilang makasih sambil nepuk pundak aku!!!!

*all girls at kos-kosan gather in common room to enjoy bandeng presto and petis kangkung*

*wave at mamang ojek in front of kos-kosan -- too lazy to walk to uni -- only costs IDR 3000*

mau ayam garem apa de’harmony?

sabana apa mijak yaaaa

perkedel kentang cemplung satu, sate kulit dua, ayam paha, sama nasi satu. eeehh setengah aja nasinya

aduh ga bisa aku nanti ke itb mau capoeira

TRIKKKK TOLONG KEBAKARANNNNN

*free food at auditorium provided by my supervisor* *starts to blabbering about my crazy bf (now ex thankgod)* that’s what we called food diplomacy

*cry at the end of thesis defence*

*play banda neira on the loop*

*attend float gig in the middle of the rain*

*walk from uni to gandok after 6 pm cause no angkot after 6*

*chillin at rooftop*

let love grow.

For Hani and Uwi.

ok now.

let’s talk about Blossoms.

I was starstruck. end of the story.

so proud of myself, for being so selfish and decided to go to Bangkok for catch them live lmao

even though the crowd was not as wild as UK lads and lasses, but heyyy the crowd was sing along and yess we were having fun – not to mention the minor problem that made Tom pissed off :p

yea not in the mood-- a.k.a. lazy

so I decided to not make any promises anymore hehehe

WHY DID I DO THAT JUST FOR FFFFF BAND BUT OH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH HUHUHU I KNOW AM A MANIAC

anyway, gonna talk about that Blossoms thang later, here’s few photos that I took back in Bangkok. ya ya ya

FM2N - Lomo 400 (accidentally set this on 125 bcs I forgot what I put inside jajaja) 

Pentax Espio 115G - Portra 400

May the new journey filled with joy and prosperity.

Some homies are settling down.

I am trying to capture their nervous yet jubilant emotions on this loving commitment.