I’ve been drowning into several fandoms lately and never crossed on my mind that I would fall for 2D men. I’m still processing it tho hahaha and questioning myself like WHY. Yet my loves for Harry Styles, Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch are still here - warm and demanding (the fact that these gentlemen rarely update their social media ffs), but just so you know that I’ve never read or into the fanfiction about them. But these 2Ds are just ... jesus lord have mercy on me.
I was trying to remember when was the last time I felt this way - binge-watching my favourite series or re-run my go to movies (in couple of months I already watched Haikyuu twice, re-run several episode of Attack on Titan, watching Gintama and can’t decide I’m more into Gin or Hijikata, read some mangas, finished Jujutsu Kaisen in few days, crying out loud because of Given - I re-watch it several times of course, finished (and cry in few episodes) Hunter x Hunter in 1,5 month, and the list goes on). I try to dig deep down on my mind, but I can’t really tell, until my friend (thank you so much Day for sharing T_T) sent me this article:
The Delicate Relationship Between Grief and Fanfiction, Explained by A Psychologist
More people have been forcibly separated from their normal routines and coping mechanisms, and more people are experiencing loss and grief. Amid that maudlin atmosphere, a recurring theme I’ve observed is that there’s something uniquely soothing about fanfiction that allows readers to feel a sense of safety and calm.
I lost my dear old man on February - four days before my birthday, one-two months later the world was set on by a virus. This means that I can’t easily going back to Semarang-Jakarta to, you know, meet my mom, together with my family, having a nostalgic conversation about the past when my dad was still around - something like that. And of course all borders are closed, no travelling not even a concert. Of course my concert-goer ass was (AND STILL) in pain - I don’t have my usual coping mechanism to hold on to.
I think anything that is familiar to us right now is incredibly comforting. I mean, our brains are kind of wired to respond to familiarity. We feel safety from seeing the same faces and the same people again and again, whether in our workplace or our school or our neighborhood.
Can’t really called myself as a big fan of Japan - either as a country or its culture - but surprisingly I visited Japan three (or four?) times already BUT MOSTLY because of music concerts or festivals, then maybe Japan started to have a place in my heart.
My sister won the lottery for Harry Styles’ concert in Tokyo - so I got the chance to see him live. My very first non-english country that I visited I guess, so it was quite challenging and thrilling to communicate there. Met my best friend in Tokyo twice (she was studying in Fukuoka), even just for a very short moment. Staying alive in Fuji Rock Festival with le boyfriend (little did I know that few of my friends were on bet whether we’re going to survive the relationship or not because of this ‘suffer trip’ LOL).
Maybe my brain started to think those few last trips are surreal. I was so sure to say “hey let’s do this again next year!”. I definitely took them for granted. Well here I am now, can’t turn back time - when papi was still around, when I still had the privilege to move around from one place to another, when I had plenty of choices to run, looking for somewhere safe, to escape the day-to-day.
Maybe watch anime, read manga and fanfiction are the closest and the easiest medium that my brain could think of. To let my mind breathe - at ease, so I can feel the warmth and excitement again, because Japan reminds me of the amazing moments that I had, before this almost-apocalypse-time hits.
It might be therapeutic to read something soft and fluffy and happy-making and to remember that there’s hope.
Maybe I didn’t realize that my head is in constant turmoil. Can I go to concert and festival ever again? When will I be able to travelling freely again? When this will be over? While I’m still longing for the normal era to be present, fanfiction slips into my swimming brain - help me to stay afloat and keep my sanity around.
But at the same time, I think we have a social responsibility to each other — to not completely escape and to push for that oscillation of whatever the individual person can handle. Because that’s the only way things ever change. And that’s the only way in the long run.
So after I read this article, I can say the last time I felt this way (non-stop reading fanfiction, keep watching my comfort series and movies) when I was on that particular miserable relationship, which certainly unhealthy and it killed my mental slowly (but I denied it over and over again, even ALL OF MY BANDUNG GURLS WERE TELLING ME RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE THAT I DESERVED BETTER HUHUHU LOVE YOU ALL).
Thank god I have a supportive boyfriend right now (te amo andinar) and surrounded by positive and loving fams and friends - BUT BUT BUT another unfortunate events strike, I have to deal with another grief - the pain of loss. Losing someone that I love, losing the freedom to travel around, losing the opportunity to meet strangers in a festival, losing beautiful moments that I might run into, and losing the possibility to learn something new that I have planned.
Let me say thank you to you all pretty human beings who wrote top-notch fanfics that can feed my soul. And I’m wishing myself, my families, my friends, and you beautiful people, are in a good health, mentally and physically.
Stay sane and safe.
