cheeky bum

Geez. I am not sure what went into my head and decided to recover this account.

I spoke with my Kuya today. He asked me what my problem is and I told him the truth. I really do not understand why it’s hard for me to understand the way I manage or see things. I overthink and try to isolate myself. I have been like this for weeks already at ngayon lang ako nagttry na to deal with it dahil tapos na ako with my internship duties. I finally have time for myself. 

He then told me “Di kita maintindihan, magbigay ka ng specific situation. Ano ba sa tingin mo? Is that a generation thing? Sensitive na ba masyado yang generation nyo?” and he kept on comparing things between me and himself. I wanted to drop the call so bad. Oo nga pala, hanggang ngayon ata ay in denial siya na yung kapatid nya ay...

I thought it would end there already. I did not expect his responses pero mayroon naman akong nakuha from him.

I am worrying too much about something I cannot control or beyond my control.

I am being too hard on myself.

I should be focusing my energy onto something productive.

Kulang lang ako sa usap.

See, kahit ako di ko maintindihan as to why I overthink. Ako mismo naghahanap ng paraan para ma-divert ko yung energy ko at pati na din ang attention ko. Kaya nga laking pasasalamat ko na I went back to school kasi kahit papaano eh mayroon akong kailangan gawin and I feel forced to focus on that instead of my worries. 

Yesterday, you went to see your psychiatrist and was hoping if you could stop taking your medicine. She did not allow you. However, you were given an explanation as to why you cannot stop taking your medicines. Why am I saying this? It is because you still do not know who you are or maybe you are just pretending not to know. You do not like your psychiatrist- for her, you are just worried and overthinking. She decided to give you medicine just for the sake of you coming back again to her. You wanted to have a new approach.

You are still awake, thinking about a lot of stuff. No, not really. Well, okay.... you are thinking about him. Who? Him. Miguel. Yeah, that guy. He made you feel all and then one day, he decided to end things. You guys stopped talking last February then on his birthday, March 3, he asked you to stop talking to him. Of course, you miss him. You tried. You were able to push yourself and avoid talking to him. Things were going well when he decided to call you again. And things began to become shitty again. You asked him multiple times but he would not answer you. He was able to make you shut your mouth when he asked you “Can we not just talk about the past and talk normally?” Marupok ka, eh. You decided to try it again, hoping it will work this time. 

Two weeks ago, he told you that he does not like to facetime because “it’s time consuming.” 

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Fast forward to today, December 28 2019. You are now single. Miguel is now in a relationship with a girl named Taja. For sure you remember how it all happened. You decided to stop contacting him around August 2018. He went home to the Philippines in the same month and met up with Taja. After his vacation, around September, he decided to call you. You were able to ask him stuff you’ve been wanting to ask. You were able to make him confess. All the while, he has been communicating with her. He totally made you a fool. 

I tried. Almost five years ko na ito nilalabanan pero napapagod na ako. I have no idea what’s stopping me or who is stopping me every time na I attempt to do it. Mas lalo lang ako naging malungkot ngayon.

It’s hard to explain to someone na ganito na ako talaga. It’s not that I am not trying my best to be “normal” or become “better” hindi lang talaga ako “normal” at hanggang “good” lang ang kaya ko. Think of it as a factory defect, na mali talaga pagkakagawa simula pa lang. But hey, at least I still function and I can do other things. 

Why am I saying this? Siguro, na-apektuhan ako sa sinabi ng isang taong malapit sa puso ko. Sure, people can remove your from their lives kung nagiging toxic ka na. Pero, sigurado ba na toxic na ako? Sigurado ba na ako ang nagkulang? Hindi ko lang ma-gets kung bakit hindi ako kinausap na lang, na may nagagawa pala akong hindi sapat. For me, I tried my best. I gave my everything. Lahat ng oras at atensyon ko binigay ko. Why? Kasi alam ko kung ano feeling na walang nakakaintindi at walang nagiintidi sayo. Kung may kulang, sabihan lang ako ulit. Pwede naman ayusin.... Nasaktan lang ako na masabihan ng taong akala ko makaka-intindi sa akin na toxic ako. Tangina sorry ha, may saltik itong nilandi mo eh. Dibale papa-double ko yung dose sa doctor ko next time para tumino na ako. Akala ko tanggap nya ako, hindi pala. 

Life update: A lot of things have happened this year- I am not exaggerating. Nonetheless, I am glad with whatever that has happened to me or my life in general. Sad to say, I was diagnosed with depression comorbid anxiety and anxiety. I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist, counsellor, and psychologist. It was kind of a weird feeling at the beginning but as months passed by, marerealize mo na ‘hey, this is like an actual thing and i should not be embarrassed about it.’ Of course, you will meet those kind of people na hindi talaga lubos na mauunawaan kung ano nga ba ito pero mawawalan ka na lang talaga ng pake? You’ll eventually get tired of explaining shit to them. But of course, I really want to discuss it with them so that they’ll know what is it. Not for my sake. Iba na ang may alam. 

This month last year, I started dating a guy. He came home from Canada, spent two months here, and we kinda decided to meet. Prior to that, nag-uusap na kami online for quite some time na. All I can say is, it was hard but I am happy. Madaming iyakan pero nagkabalikan na kami muli. Dating again. We are still trying to figure things out- mahirap na hakbang ito. He will start working at the hospital (he just graduated and passed his canadian boards) and malapit na mag-umpisa internship ko. Describe him? Totally my type. Chinito, blind like me, smart (as in), and incredibly funny. 

It’s been a month since I had the attack, after it everything became weird. My blockmates became cautious or concern with me, they told me to eat on time or they always ask me if someone’s gonna fetch me. I want to tell them to just not bother me. Lol. Of course, pati si Inay naging cautious na rin. It felt weird for her to be this concerned sa akin, siguro di lang ako sanay. My mother asked my uncle if he could drive me to school, I felt hesitant kasi syempre abala at sayang sa oras. Mga two weeks lang na ganon then I finally told my mother na h’wag na. After the attack, I don’t know. I don’t feel weird? Walang changes sa akin? Siguro, naging mas aware lang ako sa surroundings ko. I tried reading articles and mga experiences ng mga tao online whenever they experience an attack. Tapos I also try to dx myself, it was mentioned that some cases can lead to more serious concern such as schizophrenia edi syempre ang lola mo napaisip. Will I have one? Siguro kung hindi ko aalagaan ang sarili ko. I also went to the school clinic kasi gusto nila ng update about me, the head physician of the school checked on me and she wanted an ECG and another test ( i forgot because i was drowsy when we talked) but she gave me the prescription so. Of course, di ko pa sinasabi kay inay.

No, it's not about the presentation nor when my professors criticized my work. I was mad at myself for not studying, for not presenting properly, for being a disappointment, for being dumb, and for being forgetful. How could I forget that? It was assigned to me, I could've just presented it properly. No, I am not mad at anyone. Only to myself. I guess it was just the last straw- my system finally gave up. I had to let it all out. I couldn't control myself, I have no idea what was happening already.

But what if, they thought I did that because I didn't like how they criticized me? No, I am actually okay. Go criticize me, it's all right that's how professionals become successful. No, I didn't react like that because I do not like being criticized. Please do not jump into conclusions. Try listening to me.

Okay I'm getting anxious again. How could I ever face them again? I haven't slept yet, I mean how could I sleep if my mind wouldn't' stop thinking? Yeah, another attack? No, not at this hour. God, that was tiring and stressful. I barely much remember how they injected me with a substance that would help me calm down. Anti-depressants? Was it valium or xanax? I don't know.

I am embarrassed for what happened yesterday, hindi ko maintindihan bakit ako nagkakaganoon. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit doon pa, sa harap pa nila. But I knew I wasn't feeling well even before the presentation. But what they know is that I was okay and I went in front with a big smile and full of confidence. But I wasn't okay. I was just hiding it, by laughing or talking to my friends. I had to control it. I had to stop them from controlling me.  But I failed, they were able to take over my body. They filled my mind with negative thoughts. For a few seconds, they made me think whether everything around me is real or not. Although, nakapagpresent pa ako but not so much. I really don't know it was my part or talaga bang alam ko pero nakalimutan ko? For the whole week, parang ang dami kong nakakalimutan. Ready naman akong magpresent, kaya ko naman, but fear has already indulged me. Pangit ang naging presentasyon ko. Then it happened. I felt as if somebody's choking me, I couldn't stop myself from moving my hands- I was still aware of my body movements. I tried to stop myself from leaving the room. But I was so mad at myself, for being a useless person and for being dumb. I was already scared of what they will say about me, I could see them avoiding my sight. I could hear them laughing because of my stupidity.

I do not what happened after, all I know is that I am tired. I woke up twice, or maybe more than that. Yung huling gising ko, nasa faculty na ako ng SLP. With my program director. She explained to me that I had a panic attack that day, I saw scratches on my forearms. I do this every time I do something awful. Then she drove me home. Binaggit niya sa akin na ako ang huling taong aakalain nya na magkakaganito, dahil pala-ngiti at tawa ako. Nakakakapagpresent naman daw ako ng ayos sa klase. Well, that's how I hide my pain. I laugh or talk to my friends. It helps pero after a few minutes, yung atensyon ko nasa mga bagay na nangggulo sa akin.

I do not know what's wrong with me, all I know is that I feel afraid. Scared. Of what? I do not know. I know there are things in my head but I cannot explain it to them. I want to tell them that there are a lot of things going on inside my head, which all make me feel this way.

I am afraid that I might not be able to control my body and mind. That I might go insane. My paternal aunt was diagnosed with bipolar disorder while my uncle is under therapy and medication, he almost lost his mind before.