She / They Lesbian 🌈 • AuDHD • ΘΔ & partially human • Ice Dragon 🐲, Timber Wolf 🐺 • Fictionkin (1/3 of me is Weiss Schnee) • RWBY (v1 - v6) + WR🌹❄️ fan • WR blog: @useless-lesbian-weiss • DNI: Minors, MAPs, Zoos, scammers • Ao3 at the end of my pinned Bio
sometimes, no one is coming to save you. there is no knight in shining armor, no white horse or mighty sword. sometimes you have to dust off the ballgown at the back of the closet, slip it on and call it your own armor.
sometimes you have to file your nails into claws sharp enough to rival the dragon’s because you don’t have a sword but you’ll be damned if you go down without a fight and you’re going to leave scars to remember you by.
sometimes the princess gets tired of waiting. sometimes the princess has to become the dragon.
— sometimes the princess learns to breathe fire // p.s.
Name's B... If we're friends, you can call me that. If not, it's Bianca / Weiss for you and everyone else. Aster (my past life wolf self) and Heart of Frost (past life ice dragon self) also work as an alternative.
If you're anti-kin or otherwise toxic, please DO NOT interact.
For the rest of my bio, "keep reading".
(If you're looking for my WR / Whiterose blog: @useless-lesbian-weiss )
---
In an effort to shorten this bio, I have summarized many things and provided a link to our system on Pluralkit.
⚠️ IMPORTANT NOTICE ⚠️
While my main Tumblr is centered around Otherkin / Therian content, there are also a number of new(er) and old(er) posts that are more personal and emotional in nature, such as vents and past mistakes that might make some people uncomfortable.
I don't believe in crafting a perfect image of myself- and as someone who feels deeply, I prefer to keep things REAL.
The reason behind why I share my experiences, findings, mistakes and regrets openly, is to try to help other people heal- or help them avoid the same kind of mistakes (and save them a lot of pain as a result).
---
About me
I've fully awakened as otherkin sometime around 2020, but the signs were there since early childhood. I just didn't have a name for my experiences for a long time and didn't talk about them due to the social stigma directed at anyone claiming to have had past lives.
Personality Personalities
We are an unconventional system that occasionally merges / mixes / blurs when talking, comprised of:
- An Ice Dragon (Heart of Frost),
-
- Mainly: Autism, ADHD and SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder)
⚠️ If we ever explain to you that we unintentionally do- or cause something because of autism-related social ineptitude or OTHER DISABILITIES (both associated and not associated with our official diagnoses), it's NOT an excuse. It's an explanation.
We aim to actually learn from our mistakes so we don't step on any more toes than we already have. It doesn't help that our disabilities have also poorly mixed with- and created worse situations for ourselves whilst we still suffered from substance abuse issues, something that is still a strong point of shame for us, as we really aren't proud of—nor comfortable— talking about them and the situations that stemmed from that bad combo. With that said... (gonna stick to "I" for the sake of simplicity from hereon out)
I partially still suffer from social and situational unawareness- and used to struggle with boundaries and appropriateness. I fixed the latter two issues (for the most part) after making enough bad mistakes to haunt me for the rest of my life. As for the remainder of my social ineptitude, it comes with the "brutal and excessive honesty" package (foot in the mouth disease, anyone?).
... I am by no means perfect, so I ask of you to please NOT expect perfection from me at all times either.
Moral Compass
Trans rights are human rights- and trans women are women.
Additionally, I want to make it known that I do NOT condone, nor do I forgive ANY kind of violence (including s*xual) towards any living being. The only exception here being self-defense and taking down people who promote genocide, commit heinous crimes- and actively prosecute minorities (including racial, social and disability-centric minorities). Fascists can burn in hell.
Last but not least, IMO, people with paraphilias (towards animals, children, etc.) need to be monitored, professionally treated and kept far away from the subjects of their unnatural attractions.
People who intentionally harm children disgust me. Always have, always will. I am thankfully NOT one of them- But I've suffered at the hands of such people and will go out of my way to get them removed from any platforms I frequent.
Mental & Physical Health
I suffer from:
- CPTSD (& trust issues). It's a long and hard battle to heal from both... fingers crossed that I can eventually afford a therapist to help me overcome it all.
- (suspected) Schizotypal Personality Disorder (StPD). Despite being classified as something on the schizophrenia spectrum, this disorder does NOT involve psychotic breaks or hallucinations. It just means my brain is predisposed to a peculiar way of thinking that I largely just have to consciously ignore.
- After experiencing a slew of ever-worsening, persistent symptoms / health issues (part of which I had my whole life- and had unfortunately normalized), I finally managed to submit a sample and get genetic testing for... a rare condition I apparently don't have...??? (Updated 16/07/2026).
Insert: "Undiagnosed, but something ain't right" meme.
Might need to see a private specialist because I'm so confused that the results for what I thought I had- came back negative. I didn't hallucinate a brain bleed, coughing up blood, my bruises, menorrhagia, broken capillaries and petechiae every time I scratch myself too hard (among many other things). What the f*ck man... At least they recognized the 9/9 (maxxed out) Beighton score / value on the hypermobility scale, I guess...
--- Fanfic-related & Donation Links ---
My Ao3:
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Stacked is a new membership platform where fans get the most out of their support for creators.
My Stacked page is here for those who want to show their appreciation by donating. Most of the money will likely go towards medical expenses to try and figure out wtf is wrong with my health and body...
I also appreciate any likes / kudoses and reblogs left on my WR account (@useless-lesbian-weiss) and Ao3.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
...despite test results coming back negative for a rare genetic condition that would have killed me off prematurely (if it was the case, that I had it), whatever *else* is wrong with me—which has been causing many symptoms now tied to something *undiagnosed*—won't kill me regardless.
Ugh.
I need to see a specialist (a Hematologist). More money down the f*cking drain... -_-
Uh... This is more than a bit awkward. Your profile says "#teen" in your bio, so for starters: someone closer to my age. I'm on the cusp between being a millennial and gen Z-er. Born in 1995 😅
Hope you don't take this the wrong way.
For anyone else wondering: someone kind, good natured, altruistic, empathetic... and accepting of who I am (my past, my defects, my otherkinnity/therianthropy and hobbies as a furry, PC gamer, fanfic writer and hopefully cosplayer at some point in the future). Also, someone who loves and respects animals.
If we have some things in common, even better.
I'm also AuDHD, which... makes it a bit of a hit or miss, whether or not I click with someone (neurotypical, Autistic, ADHD or also AuDHD).
I'm high functioning to a degree (on a scale ranging from 1 to 10, where 1 is the lowest functioning point, I would say I fall between a 7 and an 8. Struggle to date people who are a 6 or below on that scale though, so keep that in mind).
Based in Scotland (UK), so maybe keep that in mind as well. I'm not sure I can do super-long distance anymore, more so due to financial constraints and too many variables involved.
An honest talk about Exes, Autism, "Obsessiveness" and what "Stalking" ultimately is / means
...
This kind of topic / touchy subject has always been difficult to preface, as there is no easy way to open a discussion about things that have affected and / or traumatized me and other people.
I do think, however, that it's about time for someone to shine a light onto what it really is- what it really means to have a stalker, obsession... or generally an unhealthy attachment.
Personally, I despise the word "obsession" because of the negative connotation it holds and how many times it has been loosely thrown about to indicate someone had either a problem- or a multitude of them. Same with the term "stalker". It really strips away any humanity when it comes to the people involved / being accused and only invites a strict victim / perpetrator view or dynamic to be built around the subject, thoughtlessly at that.
I don't deny that there have been cases where the wording has been used in a correct way (and I do understand what having such a horrible experience entails: I have had someone from my elementary school stalking me online, into my teen years- and my own father stalking me IRL), instead of trying to frame someone as evil, but I've seen it being misused enough times online that it has just become as common as baselessly accusing someone of being a PDF-file, without providing any proof- or without looking at a situation in depth, whether it be due to the "pedo panic" that's been going on since 2019 and prior- or the lack of time + attention span people have nowadays, that prevents them from verifying information they come across on socials.
The amount of serious accusations / allegations posted on social media have made it nauseating to even exist on these platforms without being bombarded by drama, no matter which community or fandom you're a part of / follow...
... I guess this could perhaps serve as our starting point.
A while back, while I was still studying computing in higher education, we had a module that was a mix of hard logic and psychology. It was called "Argumentation". To summarize what I learned in that class and why it became one of the few modules I ever excelled at enough to get an A as final grade, let me say: it mainly talked about how people thought, how the human mind works through logical phallacies- AKA, how easy it is to misconstrue the truth, if you know how to manipulate a narrative using logic.
One of the worst things you can do while arguing against someone, is launch into an "attack on their person", because the moment someone's character and credibility are put under scrutiny and someone is considered an invalid source of information / someone you cannot trust... (by accusing them of being an unredeemable human being, predator, stalker, etc.) and people believe the accuser, it is, *simply put*, GAME OVER. There is often nothing the accused can do, other than sit there and get hateful messages- or get completely ostracized by people who will block them en masse.
This is important / relevant because so many times people online have turned off all of their braincells in favor of listening to their sh*tty gut feelings- and started a mob against someone who was being accused... while knowing virtually nothing about said person or the situation. This is also known as "online harassment" or "cyberbullying". When a person is also being DOXXED (their real life name and address are attached to it / leaked too), it can turn into a legal case of defamation- and go to court.
Now, with that out of the way...
What counts as "stalking"?
What constitutes an "unhealthy obsession"?
Stalking is when someone tries to make repeated attempts at contacting someone directly, such as emails, phone calls, messages, showing up at their home, workplace- or other public spaces they frequent, uninvited. It follows a pattern.
These behaviors usually escalate in severity and danger- and the person perpetrating them has absolutely no conscience and / or self-awareness that what they are doing is harming the person they are doing it to.
It's important that I include both cases (where it's voluntary and they just don't care / want for the victim to suffer OR where they genuinely don't know, due to lacking empathy, self-awareness and perspective-based thinking), as there are a number of individuals that can get themselves into a position where they effectively do become stalkers in the eyes of the person they are unintentionally "targetting".
The people who often engage in the most dangerous forms of stalking are individuals who suffer from ASPDs (Anti-Social Personality Disorders), which include: Narcissism, Sociopathy and Psychopathy. Sometimes, the latter (all 3 forms of ASPD) can be co-morbid with other conditions like mood- and personality disorders—think BP or BPD (Bi-Polar of Borderline Personality Disorder)— and even Autism- but it's usually the lack of care for the person they are victimizing that gives away the level of danger they actually pose to that person and society as a whole (since these kinds of stalkers tend to re-offend and start over with a new victim).
To an extent, that one (in)famous Netflix show, "You", did a pretty good job at portraying what goes on in such an individual's head... and yeah, it's nothing to joke about. Your life can very well be in danger when you're being stalked by someone like that. It's why the law usually gets involved with restraining orders- and it generally takes a lot of documented evidence for stalking cases to make it to court (and be taken seriously, sadly).
Another characteristic of this dangerous form of stalking, is that these individuals do not give up- and will insist on making alternate accounts or use multiple phone numbers to get back in touch with the victim to harass and terrorize them futher. They gain some kind of sick pleasure from doing so.
In stark contrast, the less serious form of stalking, involving involuntary harassment, usually features people who are lower-functioning on the Autism Spectrum and therefore tend to have a much more reduced sense of self-awareness, empathy (AKA EQ: Emotional Quotient, the emotional intelligence variant of IQ) and social skills.
Usually, the more low-functioning / further down on the Autism Spectrum someone is, the more they will tend to have OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) tendencies alongside one or multiple hyperfixations / special interests. It is also not uncommon for Autistics who fall in love to develop a hyperfixation for the person they have feelings for, but this usually differs from the unhealthy or dangerous form of obsession that people with ASPDs turn into harmful behavior (and yes, I am aware that there are some cases where a low-functioning Autistic may also have ASPDs and therefore turn their hyperfixation into an unhealthy obsession, but I digress—).
Considering this information, it is easy for people on the Spectrum to often be mistaken for a malicious stalker- or be mistakenly assigned the label altogether. All it takes for someone with Autism to (unknowingly and unintentionally) do a similar amount of damage, is: growing up in a bad environment, not having had any support- and be given the wrong kind of advice at the worst possible time.
I ended up with a similar label attached to me in High School, due to social ineptitude and unawareness of what was and wasn't considered acceptable / appropriate behavior, simply because I had never been taught proper socialization and appropriateness up until that point in my life- and never had any mentoring or mental health support (prior to that incident) from having been high-functioning but undiagnosed, back then. Combine that with parental neglect / lack of proper parenthood... And- yeah... I was doomed from the get-go.
With that said, it's really easy for people to become paranoid or even develop persecutory anxiety. I'm intentionally avoiding the term "persecutory delusions", since that's unique to people with Schizophrenia Spectrum Disorders, but it really doesn't take much for a person, whether it be a neurotypical- or high-functioning neurodivergent, to be made feel uncomfortable by someone's lack of social skills- inability to always be 100% self-aware or inability to "take thy hint".
A contributing factor to situations like these developing, where people get falsely accused, is the lack- or breakdown of communication (or the presence of bad communication on either- or both end[s]).
If people cannot reach an understanding / understand one-another (including emotions) / understand boundaries- or lack the minimum amount of decency and patience to bridge the "language barrier" that occurs when someone is more on the Spectrum, sh*t is going to metaphorically hit the fan with a 100% guarantee.
The best thing people can do, is keep in mind that situations are complicated, people have layers- and that a lot of toes are going to be stepped on, on each end, before two people can reach an understanding. Sometimes, it may also never happen- and you just have to cut your losses and move on. It's sad... but it's a part of life.
Blame should also be absent from these kinds of conversations, because it doesn't do anything other than invite shame, abuse, hurt, finger-pointing and other forms of toxicity and immaturity to the whole situation. Messed up power-dynamics shouldn't ever become a thing in conflict-resolution to begin with.
People often act out when they feel threatened, fearful or anxious- yet it's no excuse to throw communication out of the window forever. Things also reach a whole new level of "complicated" when there's a history of trauma or past hurt, as some people simply cannot let go of grudges and hold onto them to "defend themselves", even when there wasn't really any threat to defend themselves against to begin with- and it was all perceived / in their head.
...
I may have gone a little off-topic here, but the thing is, an unhealthy obsession by a predatory, anti-social individual- is a very, *very* different thing compared to an anxiety, love, guilt or trauma-induced hyperfixation that an autistic person might experience because of being misunderstood, rejected, hurt- or generally not being able to let go of something that has affected them negatively and deeply, due to lack of closure.
To provide a concrete example (see pictures below), this was my most recent ex. She was very much on the Spectrum- and would sometimes get really impatient with me when I didn't immediately pick up a call on Discord. She had a love-based hyperfixation, since a part of her still had feelings for me.
I empathized with her and tried to have patience where I could... but the OCD aspect of her hyperfixation had often gotten too much- and even with all the patience in the world (explaining my boundaries over and over again + why her behavior was bothering me), she would continue to repeat the same kind of behavior and cause me emotional / mental exhaustion- or burnouts.
It got to a point where I was so drained from getting into arguments with her and things getting incredibly toxic during them, that I had to make the hard decision of cutting off contact and quitting the friendship altogether.
I did it both for my- and her own good, as she needed to learn to grow on her own- and learn things I couldn't explain to her, given how I am not a qualified mental health professional or disability support mentor.
Please note that while I know the quintillion missed calls and pings *do* look really bad—and she still doesn't seem to fully understand the concept of cutting off contact (she emailed me this morning... *sigh*)—I understand that this is her Autism not allowing her to bridge the gap in understanding... In other words: I do NOT consider her a stalker, because I am well-informed on the subject- and I see her for what she really is: an Autistic person who needs support I simply cannot provide.
On the outside, she *may* look like a stalker to the untrained-eye / average person, but she doesn't mean to be that way- or cause me any turmoil. Still, this kind of behavior is why, to some people, she might still end up with the "stalker" label, alas the less dangerous one I had previously mentioned.
...and before anyone tells me that I should just block her everywhere- or tell her to f*ck off, I don't have the heartlessness in me to do that. While I'm slightly higher-functioning than her- I have done less obnoxious, but equally stupid things in the past... So I cannot bring myself to hurt her the same way (it would be incredibly hypocritical of me to do so).
Another ex of mine, preceeding my relationship with the one showcased above, mistook my own past feelings I used to have for them- for an unhealthy obsession, mainly because they don't know how to love / what love is, have never experienced real love- and likely never will.
That person was so vicious, abusive and toxic that they dug up an old post of mine, where I talked about my bad experience in High School- and used it as ammunition to hurt me / tear into me / abuse me... As if digging up someone's past (it was a year old post at the time) just to stab someone where it hurts with really personal stuff / insults, isn't mimicking the behavior of a dangerous stalker. The irony will never be lost on me... and I have no intention of ever forgiving that a**hole / c*nt and their protagonism + victim complex. People like them make me sick.
... (*sighs*) ...
I have the unfortunate trait of being both Autistic, but deeply empathetic... which is a terrible combo, due to there still being a partial lack of self-awareness. That- and I have had to try to compensate for my poor social skills for pretty much... the entirety of my life.
My biggest downfall has always been being far too trusting, understanding and forgiving- to the point of being susceptible to manipulation, gas-lighting, guilt-tripping and taking on far too much responsibility... all while other people around me would never even have the courage to own up to half of their wrongdoings- or confront their own bad / dark side.
(***You can skip the following 5 paragraphs, they're just me venting from some old wounds***)
For that sh*tty ex, if they ever read this: needing closure and wanting to heal via exposure therapy, from your abusive a**- and the trap of a mistake you made me step into (making an exception for someone too young, thinking they loved me- a relationship that should have never happened) after many years of tormenting myself- of believing your gas-lighting and lies... will never count as stalking. I don't know why you thought that the few Discord statuses, where I was indirectly professing my love for the adult version of a fictional character, were about you- given how much time had passed since our mistake- and how much you hurt me without actually ever being truly sorry for it... or "never giving a f*ck" / never caring about me at all. Your words, not mine.
I hope to God that you start reading some actual psychology-centric academic literature someday- instead of wasting your life away reading / consuming books, fanfiction and other fictional media. You would probably gain a lot of insight from that- and have a better grasp on many, *many* things, including yourself- and the amount of damage your actions / behavior(s) have done to other people around you... Maybe even pull your head out of your a** by a few inches, so that you stop smelling sh*t everywhere- while also blaming others for it.
I tried being kind to you. I tried empathizing with you- and yet, you still decided to nitpick and focus on the few negative things I had to say about you- because you couldn't handle having done something wrong- or the idea of having some serious f*cking issues yourself... Well, let me tell you- I have some bad news: childhood trauma doesn't excuse your sh*tty behavior or exonerate you from consequences (the same applies to me, looking back at how awful I used to be at your age), if all you're ever able to do is respond by having a conniption / tantrum or directing explosive anger / rage (+ abuse) at people every single time someome makes you impatient, the slightest bit uncomfortable- or triggers your old wounds.
I never meant to traumatize you. I have made that clear many, *many* times- but you're so self-absorbed in your own narrative that you'll never understand how horrible a human being you've been to me (and likely others)- and what kind of person you're becoming / have become. I hope that the popularity and attention you sought after so badly, really heal the hollowness you carry inside of you (I'm being sarcastic, if you couldn't tell, because I know full-well they won't). You were only ever able to care about yourself and no one else, so don't you *dare* to ever try to tell me that you were being "nice", "kind" or "mature" by holding back / bottling up your sh*ttiness, until you exploded- all because you were incapable of sending a message to communicate I was making you uncomfortable by sharing an online space with you, due to a shared interest / fandom and ship we are into.
I trusted you, many, *many* years ago. I confided in you- and exposed all my wounds, trauma, secrets, vulnerabilities and intimate sides to you- foolishly thinking I had found someone who truly got me... Only to be proven wrong, a million times over (yes, I should have never gotten close to you in the first place, but f*ck did I know- nobody had ever taken the time to teach me or explain to me- why what I was doing, was wrong) ... and still- I blamed myself, for not having known so many important things, as someone who was supposed to be older and wiser (hell, I even self-destructed for 4 years following that) ... and now that I finally am those things (older and wiser), I don't ever want to see you- or anything related to you, ever again. Rot in hell. I have nothing left to say to you (anymore). I don't even want you in my block list, so I hope *YOU* have blocked me everywhere, because there is nothing in this world that will ever make me want to reach out to you again (drugs can go f*ck themselves too, for messing with my brain- and warping my thought-process in the past).
(***End of emotional, trauma-fuelled rant***)
Considering the length of this post, I want to end this subject on a slightly more positive note... You cannot go wrong by showing people, who are more on the Spectrum than you, that you understand- or trying to be kind and patient with them.
When all else fails, you can always try to word a more empathetic reply, before cutting off contact- and explain that you are safeguarding both your own- and their well-being.
It is far too easy for people on the Spectrum to develop unhealthy attachments when—just like their neurotypical counterparts—they have had issues in their childhood involving parental trauma, neglect or abuse.
Life is rough. We should always try to be a better version of ourselves- and while I know that I have many defects and am very limited in doing so, I'm still trying my best to improve myself and be a better person a little bit more every day. It's hard, but I do genuinely believe that it's worth it... even if the people I hurt / from my past won't ever understand- nor forgive me. I don't care. I'm pushing towards this goal without needing any external validation or approval, because *this is who I truly am and choose to be*.
It's the best ending I can achieve... for I have long-since stopped believing in love, forgiveness- and reconciliation.
I can only love myself because I know no one else ever will...
... Stay safe, love yourself a healthy amount- and keep trying to do and be better. Keep growing, even if it takes time and it hurts.
I dream of a day where social media won't be littered in baseless accusations, name-calling, narrative-twisting and people victimizing themselves for attention. I really hope humans as a whole (and anyone with a human body, considering my following) will improve emotionally, mentally, morally and ethically... if anything, to help build a better tomorrow.
The world would be a very different place if everyone practiced kindness and empathy- over exacting revenge and / or causing others more unnecessary hurt.
Funny how the "I don't ever want to see you- or your content again" from that vent part in this post was genuine... But a part of me (not my ice dragon, rather, the better end of my human side) thinks and feels the following:
"If that person had any reading comprehention-skills and learned to read between the lines, they would know- I still don't hate them. We've only traumatized each other a long time ago and all I did with my misguided attempts at healing was retrigger us both- while on drugs nevertheless... Not something I'll ever feel good about... (and the "never want to see you or your content again is just my angry, over-protective dragon self not wanting to encounter any traumatic triggers).
... But the reality is, if they were a better, more mature person who actually focused on their own healing instead of holding grudges, I wouldn't have anything against talking and answering some questions to provide them some form of closure... Then again, not a single person who has healed and / or still holds a grudge against someone- feels the need to go 'I don't care!', only to (then proceed to) write a 14K word long reply to someone they hate, who was originally apologizing to them... some of it laden with abuse- the rest just... A mental breakdown they clearly had because I (with my presence and words) triggered them.
Also- if I was really the worst of the worst (they consider me enemy number 1), then why keep me unblocked when I told them to just block me on every social media profile I have? (there's also the likely event / likelihood of them having monitored my socials up to Feb. 2026, which was kind of uncanny... but yeah)
I don't get it.
...Nothing makes sense...
It's why my brain is still "stuck" trying to process so many things from the past. When I don't understand something, my hammer-shaped, stubborn brain tries to break it down and over-analyze it until it does "make sense"... All I could gather is that this one ex still suffers from trauma and some form of PTSD... which makes me sad. I feel for them, but I also cannot become someone's punching bag due to their messed up need / attempt to try to exert power over someone they perceived had wronged- or hurt them deeply.
I made a horrible mistake- one I did not fully understand back when it first happened... and they were even dumber in their reckless behavior online at the time... Not to mention how they still have some serious issues trying to deal with- and accepting their dark / abusive side.
Nobody is perfect, least of all me... We've all lost many things from that negative experience, but still, while the angry, protective dragon within me is defensive, hissing and venomous- I (human self) cannot bring myself to hate a kid who didn't know any better, same as I was when far worse sh*t happened to me due to the f*cked up environment I grew up in...
All to say- I know neither one of us can afford years worth of therapy, but if you want to have a respectful chat (addressing them / that ex), want to ask me anything- or you need me to explain something that will help bring you closure, I don't want to be an a**hole by denying you that... Just know that I won't take, nor tolerate, any more abuse just because some of the things I say / have said to you (involving what you've done wrong, which has affected me badly), hurt you.
Life sucks and we all just keep trying our best... many times failing in the process. For what it's worth, I know I'm broken- I know I look and act insane a lot... but I also cannot look away when I see people suffering. This is just who I am.
If I could, I would take their pain away (carry it myself) and remove the trauma that is causing chemical imbalances / mood swings in their brain and body (all of it, not just what I accidentally caused or added onto).
I know how to deal with- and heal from trauma now... but the sad thing is, because my methodology is so brutal and rudimental, I cannot coach others into safely doing it themselves. So I'm just stuck as an observer, watching everyone suffer without ever being able to concretely help.
I try to set the few, good friends I have on the right path, support them and give them advice where I can... but I feel so far removed from being able to *truly* help... It sucks. :(
But yeah... Uh... [Ex mentioned briefly in the vent section of the OG post] if you're still angrily "hate-stalking" my socials (as you would likely call it, I don't consider that real stalking, just an unhealthy coping mechanism as you keep seeking for control you thought you didn't have inside of / during traumatic situations), I hope you stop. Maybe you stopped in Feb. 2026 (if my intuition is correct, you stumbled across the OG post and it set you off).
For what it's worth, I've always been honest to a fault... The only time I've lied to you and myself, is where I thought I could just move on + leave things be with the amount of guilt I had, that was eating me alive, and consequentially spiraled into "drugs" / addiction to try to "feel better".
I am not looking for your forgiveness. We're past that- and any point of recovery in terms of friendship or otherwise... I wish you could just understand that not all people who do bad things, are inherently bad. I was just very, very messed up for the longest time. In real life, I kept it all away from friendships and acquaintanceships, because I'd made the internet / my online life into the only place where I was ever truly able to be myself and express myself freely... but I've come to realize that this simply isn't good in the long run...
...You cannot form real, long-lasting bonds with strangers behind a screen, no matter how much you'd like to (save for a few exceptions here and there- but I've actually met some of those exceptions). There is always too much room for misunderstandings (though, that's no different from real life, ig) and it's too easy to just "cut your losses", turn around and never fully heal from things that have happened to you after you cut someone off.
As of today, add to that- that online environments are not spaces where people can talk things out or be open and honest with each other either anymore... They've become these hostile moon craters, filled with people tearing each other apart- over the dumbest of things, political opinions and more... None of these environments promote- or allow people to develop real listening-comprehention skills, empathy, (have) difficult conversations, conflict-resolution skills, etc etc. The list goes on... All I'm saying is, a good chunk of humanity pretends not to care while they are still hurting and runs from their problems. As for me... I've stopped running a long time ago.
For the most part, people's opinion of me when they don't even truly know me... Has stopped mattering to me altogether. Do you see hundreds or thousands of likes underneath my posts validating my points...? No. Because people don't have the attention span, and again: nobody will want to associate with me the moment they find out I've made some pretty bad mistakes in the distant past. Hence why you can see... I don't do anything I do for validation, nor attention.
I'm just... Me. Always have been.
1/3 an absolute r*tard, impulsive, inappropriate woof,
1/3 a distrusting, misanthropic ice dragon,
1/3 an autistic, but well-intentioned human that was never understood by anyone.
While my animal selves are impulsive- daft- or less caring in some ways... I care. Why...? Not because of some residual, messed up feelings I used to have for you... I care because that's who I am and have always been... Ah, f*ck it. This is getting too long.
Point is: you don't need to love someone to care- or have regrets. Just like you don't need a therapist to have us both admit to- or realize- the fact that we both got plenty of issues when it comes to our mental health.
I'm not demanding- nor asking for perfection, second chances or anything like that... I just want you to know that it's okay to be flawed, broken... and hurt. It's okay to feel that pain. It doesn't make you weak, nor vulnerable... or unlovable... It's what happens when you let it fester that becomes a problem later down the line. You want control...? Control your actions. Learn how to emotionally regulate, step by step. I'm not saying this in a snide way... All I ever tried to do, even the things that hurt you (after whatever mistakes I made around you...), were an attempt at helping you.
I harbor no ill will towards you. Never have- and I hopefully never will. I was just trying to push you to be a better version of yourself- and I'm not giving you any special treatment or attention by doing that. I do this with every person I meet that I share or have shared experiences with. Sometimes I do it for strangers, though, only a few have taken well to it.
There's still this kid in me- my child self, if you wish, that *does* want to actively make the world a better place to live in. This is why I act the way I do. It's always been my subconscious drive since the very beginning.
Life didn't manage to take that away from me- not when I was bullied, neglected and abused... At home, or at school. Not when I was continuously sexually assaulted by a family friend when I was in elementary school, from the ages of 8 to 12. Not when I was groomed by an at the time 21 year old pedophile online, when I was barely 14. Not when I was raped by someone I dated out of pity at the age of 16. Or the many times throughout my childhood where I came close to being abducted by stranger danger near where I lived (in my home village in Switzerland) or went to school (the next town over).
I have hated. I have felt resentment and darkness towards all the people that hurt me, including those who ridiculed me in schools because I functioned differently, struggled to emotionally regulate... Or because of my sexuality. But I have also learned how to tame the darkness. It's part of me. It's my inner collective shadow that, while messed up... was angry on my behalf- that such evil and unfairness were possible- without ever being addressed or prosecuted.
I did not get any justice.
I wasn't believed. I was treated like I was less than human. Some people told me my trauma and depression were fictional / made up and that I was doing it for attention... How wrong they were...
And you have tried to hurt me with that. With my past. With some of the trauma and name-calling / sh*tty labels people attached to me. With all the unfairness people have thrown my way... (with this: https://www.tumblr.com/astertimberwolf/734260948415676417/i-want-to-talk-about-something-that-happened-to-me) ...for your own f*cked up reasons, but I still don't hate you because I understand why you did it and where you are coming from with that.
I have not let my trauma and my darkness define me. I don't see myself as a victim, nor a saint.
I'm just a demon of pain trying to fix the unfixable, earn my (dragon) wings back... The ones that were taken from me in my previous life... before my dragon self died at the hands of humans, there, too.
I don't want to continue the cycle of karma. I don't agree with it.
Nobody should have to suffer to learn life lessons... but I have no way to reprogram the very fabric of reality of the simulation we're stuck in, to make it all stop...
... Trust me when I say, I really wish I could.
I'm just trying to live my life the best I can on my own, since I cannot trust people anymore- and, as a consequence, cannot get close to anyone anymore.
I just want you to be able to breathe again without suffering. To live your life to the best of your ability. To truly forget me... if all I ever was to you, is a bad memory.
I don't want to fight- or have some kind of sick and twisted final showdown.
I just want for you to be able to truly move on. Same story with me, I guess... Though, for the most part, my emotional involvement is now long gone... I feel numb when I look back at my mistakes. Not guilty. Not anymore. Because I have learned what I could and decided to do better. It's all I could do, really.
If I can somehow help you heal- or help you close that chapter for good, then let me know...
If you've *truly* already closed it- and have moved on- then good. No need to reach out at all- and you probably won't ever be reading this.
That's some of the leftover things I felt... That I feel comfortable enough sharing."
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Inching close to 8 years without an IRL, physical relationship...
It's not just my stupid ass suffering from loneliness anymore...
... It's starting to affect my writing as well.
I'm stuck at the first of 3 intimacy scenes in one of my WR fanfics where I legit cannot imagine Ruby and Weiss showing a more soft, loving and tender form of love to each other... Maybe because I never got to experience that myself, since nobody I loved ever loved me back that way.
I'm too weird, fucked up and complex to be loved by anyone. I know I'll grow old and die alone... but I'm getting too old to spill any more tears over it.
Nobody I'm compatible with- wants me... and that's just it. Really. If I can even find anyone I'm compatible with to begin with.
Dating apps didn't work.
Meeting people through hobbies didn't work.
The internet and social media didn't work.
Nothing worked.
It's sad.
I have a lot to offer... and no one to offer it to, who would appreciate it.
So I just end up existing in a world I've felt disconnected from, from the very start.
It doesn't matter if I'm 6, 8, 13, 14, 16, 17, 19, 21, 23, 24, 25, 27, 29 or 30. All the memories I carry from those ages are of being misunderstood, not understood at all, ridiculed... or rejected.
At which point, do you just stop trying? Nobody understands my autism, my trauma- and how it shaped me. How much I've healed from and overcome, all on my own... Or how this insane universe has driven me insane as well.
Nobody's ever respected me.
I have maybe a handful of friends I still keep in touch with- many of which don't even know that I'm otherkin or plural. Those that do... Well, they have their own problems and lives. I don't want to add to that.
One of my self-care apps really hit the nail on the head with this one. It's a personal callout, through and through.
And I have tried (I'm still trying) to love myself despite everything. Despite how isolated ... and old ... I've grown.
...
I don't know who would love a human who's made this many mistakes in life, with too big an imagination, too ample a spectrum of feelings (with them being too intense or rendering me too sensitive), with a Grimm for a shadow that's wanted to redistribute all the pain inflicted on her; an idiot wolf that causes her to act impulsively, without thinking- or inappropriately; and a misanthropic, distrusting dragon that either roasts people, acts like a sh*thead, has a vein of sadism and an equally problematic sense of humor without filters- all while said human is a bit of a prude, snobby princess and dies from second hand embarrassment at every turn these other two... Or three, take at fronting. A human with a perfectionism complex that cannot ever live up to her own standards, yet expects them from others... Who has had to run from her own blood relatives and a good chunk of humanity continuously. Who wanted to change the world for the better.
Too many good intentions and ambitions- too few / very little opportunities to do anything at all. Too many chances to fuck up... And fuck up I / we did...
... and now I'm faced with the ultimate test of isolation- the most insanity-inducing of them all: will I be able to complete the projects I've always started but never finished...? Will I survive not being able to freely access the few online friendships I have left anymore?
Will I lose whatever is left of my sanity by being cooped up inside my flat, surrounded by my WIP / fanfics, plushies... and myself / my selves?
I will only be able to use the internet for work.
This is officially the last post I'll make on my socials, outside of posting fanfic updates before I go radio silent.
...
Wish me luck / good fortune.
I really need a miracle... Or a bunch of them, for things to turn around...
... and the biggest problem is: I don't believe in miracles. Never have... and I'm not sure I ever will.
The universe will not send a Ruby Rose my way, to save me from caving into my own darkness... or (eventually, my own) grave.
...
[UPDATE - might as well rename this post "Suicide by words: the extended edition"]
IDK. Posting this crap here allows me to emotionally regulate and put it out of my mind. I have mixed feelings about my suffering being visible to everyone... Then again, unless it's an absolutely sh*tty character / individual coming across this... it won't matter. Most people don't care and scroll past- and that's probably for the best. I'd rather have that, than someone trying to hurt me with what I write when I let out my true self and emotions...
I'm real, and I'm allowed to be flawed, broken... and feel the way I feel. Same as everyone else being allowed to have their negative feelings, thoughts, pain, loneliness, etc.
Everyone is entitled to their own sorrow. That hasn't changed in... many years. Even before Weiss (from RWBY) put it into words in the White Trailer.
Completely on accident, while trying to cope with autistic burnout and looking for more bootleg WhiteRose on yuri manga websites, I stumbled upon this old, comedic masterpiece: Demon (or should I say Dragon???) Queen.
...and ofc she gives her a choker to wear.
.
.
.
Yeah, I'm cooked.
(Link to it, if you want to check it out: https://lilymanga.net/gl/mage-demon-queen/season-01-02-03/)
P.S.: this might be the last post I make in a while, both due to IRL problems such as my ISP cutting off my internet for no reason (I'm on a limited mobile data plan. Will have to forego social media altogether to still have internet access) and my RWBY Whiterose fanfic writing commitments (concerning projects I want to finish from last year's- and this year's Whiterose in Bloom week).
The OG post from BlueSky is missing some punctuation due to the darn platform's low character limit, but I hope it conveys what I was trying to say...
I have changed a lot over the past 6 years.
My abandonment issues and trauma had originally led me to develop a messed up, co-dependent attachment type that made me heavily rely on other people to be happy (anxious attachment, anyone...?).
Once I was able to heal (for the most part), I was just left with CPTSD and trust issues, which I'm trying to manage the best I can...
Thing is- I can be happy on my own, but I won't lie... The older I get, the more the prospect of finding someone becomes more and more hopeless...
I don't *need* a long-term romantic + sexual relationship to make my life complete... but it is still a wish I have had for a long time... To fall in love with someone who could and would love me back just as much, if not more- and now that I'm almost 100% ready to handle a healthy relationship, there's nobody there... Nobody that I would be compatible with, at least.
In terms of attachment, due to how much I was hurt by shitty people in the past, I have developed something in between the disorganized and avoidant attachment styles, leaning slightly more towards avoidant.
When you are made out to be some f**ked up monster or predatory individual by a homophobic, neurodivergentphobic environment in your teen years, then forced to relive some of that trauma via getting hurt by equally immature people in your adulthood online... I don't know. It's... I don't really have words for this type of thing. *"Shit"* doesn't even come close to describing it.
I was never given the benefit of the doubt. Not even for one second.
Deep down, I *know* I deserved better than what I was put through, but God forbid- don't ever repeat that in front of the same people who will try to deny, justify or defend the abuse they threw my way.
I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to talk about it... about how they hurt me, my feelings, my trauma- just because every time I f**ked up, it was a big enough mess that I ended up hurting the people involved too, nevermind that I never meant for any of that to happen... Add to that- that other people so readily dismiss, laugh at, mock, question or look away from anyone sharing this kind of personal stuff (anywhere- be it online or IRL) and yeah... It sucks.
I'm not wanting for anyone to heal me- or give me some messed up form of attention... nor be my unlicensed therapist.
All I ever wanted, was to be heard, understood, respected.
I want to be allowed to breathe, exist, feel- and express myself.
Nobody should have to be treated like garbage just because they function differently, yet the world we live in does this so often and normalizes absolutely abhorrent / toxic / shitty behaviors that most neurodiverse people end up traumatized, or like they have to mask on top of masking in order to stay safe.
I strongly believe that the level of superficial, brainless judgment society has degrated to- is half the reason so many people have developed anxiety disorders. Mix in the fact that people idolize fictional characters that are often depicted without any fatal or major flaws... and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster. If you're flawed, people don't spare a single second to think twice and attack you where it hurts- and it becomes hard to see the people who do that as "people" anymore. Like- cogratulations, you've turned into a sociopathic, sadistic, retarded monkey... But that would be an insult to primates. I genuinely believe some species of primates are far more peaceful and empathetic than whatever the f*ck is wrong with humans.
*sighs*
I don't mean to be mysanthropic (humanphobic). I'm just so tired of seeing so many people suck ass... Who are unable to admit their own faults when you put them in front of a mirror... Of people not caring... Of people acting tough- or wanting power over others.
Why can't y'all just be better human beings instead?
What is stopping you from actually starting to give a damn?
What's so good about being so anti-social and detatched from your emotions and everyone else- that you either need substances, some other kind of addiction or superficial validation from a group of people who are just as bad as you- to feel good about yourself?!
Christ.
... I ramble and rant a lot about the stuff nobody dares to talk about, because I'm autistic- and have become a semi-detatched hermit myself, from being constantly exposed to this shit world we now inhabit.
I am only able to find peace by surrounding myself in either silence, nature, the very few friends I can trust- or other animals, because humans have fallen so far from what they see themselves as...
There is too much cognitive dissonance, too much noise, too many people with big egos and a tonne of insecurities, who are trying so hard to seem like they are something they are not... It makes me sick.
My autism and developmental delays are not an excuse. They are merely an explanation- and the reason I have severely f*cked up some friendships, made mistakes, allowed for relationships to happen that should have never happened- all because, mixed together with (a) crappy (lack of proper) parenting / upbringing + environment, they didn't allow me to understand people as deeply and as much as I would have wanted.
Honestly... I've reached a point of oversaturation. Or maybe I have stopped trying (to understand others).
I wish there was someone who understood me... Who just got me, without me needing to overexplain everything (as I always do) due to anxiety merging with autism (and partially ADHD).
Most people don't have the attention span, the time, the energy, the emotional intelligence, or the emotional availability- and empathy to understand what I am on about half the time... and even if they do have those things, maybe they shy away from feeling emotions because they don't want to confront their own crap and demons, their own reflections, flaws, failures, mistakes, shortcomings, f**kups... you name it-
...
...
*exhales*
Everyone suffers from "main character syndrome". There is no denying that. I do as well, I'm not special in that regard... I just act while taking into account the notion that I'm not alone in that. Everyone is stuck in their own head, lives, problems...
...the only time where the switch is flipped, is either when you have hurt someone and you still deeply regret it (as guilt forces you to have thoughts of who you hurt occupy your mind against your will... whether you like it or not), or the more rare exception where you... love someone.
To those who don't know what love is or feels like- it will look like a form of madness. Something defying all logic in what they know to be the usual egoistical behavioral patterns that drive people... I'm talking about true love, the one that isn't driven by possessiveness, selfishness, toxicity, codependency or any other negative feelings.
The danger remains: when you truly love someone, you do see things through rose tinted lenses / glasses. You ignore, excuse- or brush off people's defects, bad behavior... or even abuse. Falling in love with the wrong person is one of the worst things that can ever happen to you and it's ultimately all I have ever known...
...
Now that I have come full circle and let out what is likely the result of my brain chemicals causing a low mood (due to PMS), I hope that something else can be learnt from this as well.
I hope that my feelings, life experiences and "wisdom" (if you can even call it that) aren't just a sad waste of space and time on the internet.
I want for my words to help people, but deep down I know they don't matter. I don't matter. Nothing matters.
Living with a broken heart means that you accept the meaninglessness of life, of love- of all the programming we are born with- or undergo throughout our lives and are just forced to put up with, for we don't even have any control over who we catch feelings for.
All I know is that I was never loved. Not truly...
The closest I had was a form of motherly, unconditional love from my long since past-tense maternal gran. She was the sun in my life.
It's been an eternal night of suffering, despair and meaninglessness since her passing (I was barely 16 when it happened).
I've had to be my own ray of sunshine- and I barely feel like I'm a firefly at this point.
Dude... The fact I wrote this prior to being proven right (once again) by another shitty interaction I had with a big-time loser on Bsky today...
I hate being right about all the absolutely awful things. Stuff like this is what made me into a pessimist...
I feel dead inside.
I wish for the internet to go back to what it was in the early 2000s. There is too many unsavory / f*cked up humans on it, I swear.
The divisionism and judgment cast freely between minorities or members of supposedly shared communities too... Lesbians blocking other lesbians interacting with their content in a way they don't like- or even from being paid a compliment. Furries hating on Furries who are also Therians. Therians hating on other Therians who are into feral NSFW art of their past life kin type, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with b*stiality- as most would never even think to do that with an animal IRL. Ew.
... I've genuinely seen things that have made me want to gauge my eyes out...
Legit... People... Stop hating. Get over your hate boners. Open your minds. Try to actually respect and understand others. The LGBT+ community has turned into a cess-pool and it's pride month FFS- I can't believe half the shit I'm seeing.
Also, stop demonizing and hating on autistics for not getting social cues, situations and more. AuDHD people deserve more respect. There's this cutt-throat tendency nowadays to just spam the block button...
... Blocking should be reserved for harassment and the worst kind of individuals out there, human or non-human. Blocking people you don't understand or disagree with is the equivalent of a toddler plugging their years and going "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA I'M NOT LISTENING". I've seen 5-6 year olds better behaved than some of the people who use social media and post daily, worse yet if they have a big following because it inflates their ego and gives them the impression that they are always right / can do no wrong...
Jesus.
(and I've just scratched the surface with that. I just don't have the energy to continue)
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
artificer x hunter, artificerxhunter, rw hunter x artificer, hunter x artificer, rw artificer x hunter, rw arti x hunter, arti x hunter, rw arti x hunter, artihunter, rw artihunter, rw cherrybomb
Explanation Post: Link
Previous | You Are Here | Next
(Given how popular this ship is there has to be names i missed. if you know of one please tell me.)
The OG post from BlueSky is missing some punctuation due to the darn platform's low character limit, but I hope it conveys what I was trying to say...
I have changed a lot over the past 6 years.
My abandonment issues and trauma had originally led me to develop a messed up, co-dependent attachment type that made me heavily rely on other people to be happy (anxious attachment, anyone...?).
Once I was able to heal (for the most part), I was just left with CPTSD and trust issues, which I'm trying to manage the best I can...
Thing is- I can be happy on my own, but I won't lie... The older I get, the more the prospect of finding someone becomes more and more hopeless...
I don't *need* a long-term romantic + sexual relationship to make my life complete... but it is still a wish I have had for a long time... To fall in love with someone who could and would love me back just as much, if not more- and now that I'm almost 100% ready to handle a healthy relationship, there's nobody there... Nobody that I would be compatible with, at least.
In terms of attachment, due to how much I was hurt by shitty people in the past, I have developed something in between the disorganized and avoidant attachment styles, leaning slightly more towards avoidant.
When you are made out to be some f**ked up monster or predatory individual by a homophobic, neurodivergentphobic environment in your teen years, then forced to relive some of that trauma via getting hurt by equally immature people in your adulthood online... I don't know. It's... I don't really have words for this type of thing. *"Shit"* doesn't even come close to describing it.
I was never given the benefit of the doubt. Not even for one second.
Deep down, I *know* I deserved better than what I was put through, but God forbid- don't ever repeat that in front of the same people who will try to deny, justify or defend the abuse they threw my way.
I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to talk about it... about how they hurt me, my feelings, my trauma- just because every time I f**ked up, it was a big enough mess that I ended up hurting the people involved too, nevermind that I never meant for any of that to happen... Add to that- that other people so readily dismiss, laugh at, mock, question or look away from anyone sharing this kind of personal stuff (anywhere- be it online or IRL) and yeah... It sucks.
I'm not wanting for anyone to heal me- or give me some messed up form of attention... nor be my unlicensed therapist.
All I ever wanted, was to be heard, understood, respected.
I want to be allowed to breathe, exist, feel- and express myself.
Nobody should have to be treated like garbage just because they function differently, yet the world we live in does this so often and normalizes absolutely abhorrent / toxic / shitty behaviors that most neurodiverse people end up traumatized, or like they have to mask on top of masking in order to stay safe.
I strongly believe that the level of superficial, brainless judgment society has degrated to- is half the reason so many people have developed anxiety disorders. Mix in the fact that people idolize fictional characters that are often depicted without any fatal or major flaws... and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster. If you're flawed, people don't spare a single second to think twice and attack you where it hurts- and it becomes hard to see the people who do that as "people" anymore. Like- cogratulations, you've turned into a sociopathic, sadistic, retarded monkey... But that would be an insult to primates. I genuinely believe some species of primates are far more peaceful and empathetic than whatever the f*ck is wrong with humans.
*sighs*
I don't mean to be mysanthropic (humanphobic). I'm just so tired of seeing so many people suck ass... Who are unable to admit their own faults when you put them in front of a mirror... Of people not caring... Of people acting tough- or wanting power over others.
Why can't y'all just be better human beings instead?
What is stopping you from actually starting to give a damn?
What's so good about being so anti-social and detatched from your emotions and everyone else- that you either need substances, some other kind of addiction or superficial validation from a group of people who are just as bad as you- to feel good about yourself?!
Christ.
... I ramble and rant a lot about the stuff nobody dares to talk about, because I'm autistic- and have become a semi-detatched hermit myself, from being constantly exposed to this shit world we now inhabit.
I am only able to find peace by surrounding myself in either silence, nature, the very few friends I can trust- or other animals, because humans have fallen so far from what they see themselves as...
There is too much cognitive dissonance, too much noise, too many people with big egos and a tonne of insecurities, who are trying so hard to seem like they are something they are not... It makes me sick.
My autism and developmental delays are not an excuse. They are merely an explanation- and the reason I have severely f*cked up some friendships, made mistakes, allowed for relationships to happen that should have never happened- all because, mixed together with (a) crappy (lack of proper) parenting / upbringing + environment, they didn't allow me to understand people as deeply and as much as I would have wanted.
Honestly... I've reached a point of oversaturation. Or maybe I have stopped trying (to understand others).
I wish there was someone who understood me... Who just got me, without me needing to overexplain everything (as I always do) due to anxiety merging with autism (and partially ADHD).
Most people don't have the attention span, the time, the energy, the emotional intelligence, or the emotional availability- and empathy to understand what I am on about half the time... and even if they do have those things, maybe they shy away from feeling emotions because they don't want to confront their own crap and demons, their own reflections, flaws, failures, mistakes, shortcomings, f**kups... you name it-
...
...
*exhales*
Everyone suffers from "main character syndrome". There is no denying that. I do as well, I'm not special in that regard... I just act while taking into account the notion that I'm not alone in that. Everyone is stuck in their own head, lives, problems...
...the only time where the switch is flipped, is either when you have hurt someone and you still deeply regret it (as guilt forces you to have thoughts of who you hurt occupy your mind against your will... whether you like it or not), or the more rare exception where you... love someone.
To those who don't know what love is or feels like- it will look like a form of madness. Something defying all logic in what they know to be the usual egoistical behavioral patterns that drive people... I'm talking about true love, the one that isn't driven by possessiveness, selfishness, toxicity, codependency or any other negative feelings.
The danger remains: when you truly love someone, you do see things through rose tinted lenses / glasses. You ignore, excuse- or brush off people's defects, bad behavior... or even abuse. Falling in love with the wrong person is one of the worst things that can ever happen to you and it's ultimately all I have ever known...
...
Now that I have come full circle and let out what is likely the result of my brain chemicals causing a low mood (due to PMS), I hope that something else can be learnt from this as well.
I hope that my feelings, life experiences and "wisdom" (if you can even call it that) aren't just a sad waste of space and time on the internet.
I want for my words to help people, but deep down I know they don't matter. I don't matter. Nothing matters.
Living with a broken heart means that you accept the meaninglessness of life, of love- of all the programming we are born with- or undergo throughout our lives and are just forced to put up with, for we don't even have any control over who we catch feelings for.
All I know is that I was never loved. Not truly...
The closest I had was a form of motherly, unconditional love from my long since past-tense maternal gran. She was the sun in my life.
It's been an eternal night of suffering, despair and meaninglessness since her passing (I was barely 16 when it happened).
I've had to be my own ray of sunshine- and I barely feel like I'm a firefly at this point.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Therefore, I resort to the only drug and coping mechanism I have left:
Maladaptive Daydreaming™
(Triggered via music, namely, the playlist I created to map out my brain through emotions, memories... and so much more. The only thing allowing be to break through reality)
What if really seeing the universe for what it is, is what causes insanity? What if insanity becomes the highest form of clarity? Seeing how everything and everyone is programmed and stuck to be puppeted by their essence, personalities, imprinting, DNA, behavioral patterns and fate?
...
What if I became so terrifyingly good at seeing through people- and now, reality itself- what if I reverse-engineered it to the point I could make someone drop dead by merely whispering a few words in their ear...? Weaponizing the butterly effect and deploying it to its most lethal, extreme iteration...?
No. I'm not talking about playing 5D chess... More like 13D. Mastering all 13 Dimentions and layers making up the very quantum space-time continuum we inhabit. Can you imagine the horrors of displaying levels of power of that magnitude? What would happen if it ended up in the wrong hands, of someone so fed up with how things are that they'd use it to reshape everything we know...?
...
I started by eating The Apathy for breakfast... Now I've swallowed Salem whole... and I'm coming for the Gods too.
I am not going to stop until I have surpassed everything that has been instrumentalized via karma to torture me and everyone else living in this hell we call life.
If I can help it, I'll rebuild everything from the ground up- and this time, there will be a lot less needless suffering.
[merely wanting to turn down the difficulty from hardcore to normal. But have to become a maniac with a glitched level of over (Lv.) 9999999 thousand to get there]
For I have lived 10'000 lives. Many in one.
Don't fire all your neurons at once kids, shorting your brain is a real thing.
...
Jokes aside, I should probably sleep. It's 1:20am, I have to go back to my ball and chain tomorrow- am bleeding out profusely... (which is probably not helping the "delusions of grandeur" of my maladaptive daydreaming, as I like to call them) and desperately need rest.
Tl;dr: Earth to B, you need to sleep. Unplug from Never Neverland Wonderland & go The Fuck to sleep.
Having too much of an imagination can be detrimental. Who would have thought... (insert /sarcasm + eyeroll at the sight of my own unhinged maladaptive daydreaming posts).
It sure feels nice in the moment... then it fizzles out like a high- and you re-read what you wrote, feeling both completely disconnected from it + concern(ed).
Just another day of living in my own head / with this brain of mine, unfortunately...
Nur durch meine Fehler, kann ich Weiss werden. @astertimberwolf - Tumblr Blog | Tumlook
