Asterin|Studyblr

But it was very difficult to actually have that life that Studytubers have. You see, most of these people lived alone, whether in an apartment of their own or in college/uni. They lived their life according to their whims and fancies, they did what they wanted to do at any given point of time. Their life was entirely in their hands, they lived for their own selves.

I lived at home (of course, I was still in school). I could not eat what I wanted whenever I wanted, because my mother is not my personal maid to be doing things as I wish. I could not go outside to walk in a park, because unfortunately I don't live near one and my parents were never gonna allow me to just be walking on the streets of Delhi. I could not plan my day and then follow through with that plan entirely, because something or the other always came up- some guest showed up, dad needed help, mom needed help, my sister needed help, somebody needed the room that I study in for other purposes. And everytime my plan was disrupted, I would get more and more frustrated. (Of course, I had never shared my plan with my family so its not their fault for asking me to do something when they don't know that in my head I have decided that I will be doing something else at that point.)

It took me quite a while to realise what the problem here was. All those people on YouTube were living either in America or Europe. Those are all individualistic cultures. For anybody who doesn't know, individualistic cultures are those where the self is seen as more important than the society/community. I live in India, and like most Asian nations, we are also a collectivistic culture, which means we give more importance to the society than the self. This brings about various major changes. I will give you an example from Psychology because I just studied it. In a research it was found that Japanese and American students associated different circumstances with a general positive state. While the American students allocated the cause of their positive feeling to something individual and socially-disengaged, for example pride in their achievements, the Japanese students linked it with a friendly and socially engaged feeling.

Point is, it took me some time to understand that I don't live in a culture that values a life lived only for yourself. And to be honest, I don't even want to live that life. My life is not entirely my own, to be lived only and only for myself. I live for the people around me- my parents, my sister, my friends. I cannot expect people to to leave me be 100% of the time, especially not when I literally live at home with three other people. I cannot always be "I, Me, Myself" when there are people around me who will be affected by my actions and behaviours.

And my attraction towards that specific lifestyle was ruining my relationship with my family and my own mood and mental health, because I came to see my family as a burden and something that suffocates me and hinders my growth, without understanding that the people who I was aspiring to be are leading a very different life from mine.

I know I might be coming off as complimenting individualistic cultures, but I am not. Trust me, the idea of being so focused on yourself that your entire life revolves only around you is so bizarre to me. The idea that people will value anything above their families is so alien to me. I live for the people around me willingly, and I do not want to adopt a way of life that will devalue the people I love and care about.

The point of all this is that I am still trying to tell myself that it is okay if I don't have a morning routine and drink smoothies and have a pre-planned timetable. I don't have to punish myself for not being able to do all of that, or blame my family for it. It's not either one or the other. Just because other people are following a certain lifestyle doesn't mean it is going to fit into the way I live as well. It is okay that the people around me need my help sometimes, I am more than honoured to do it. And it is okay if my mother calls me for dinner when I am in the middle of an intense study session. I can explain it to her without having to make it a big deal and cry to myself in my journal. It is a small journey of accepting my life as being good and satisfactory instead of aspiring for something that has only ever given me trouble.

Idk if this is a reminder or a rant or a lesson or a story, but if you read till the end. Wow.