faith & pain.

Sad Sentences, Vol. 7

(Sad sentences from various sources. Adjust phrasing where needed)

"I don't love you, so just accept it and move on with your life instead of making everyone miserable!"

"Battle scars are not always of the body."

"I don't think you're looking for somebody to prove you right. I think you're looking for somebody to prove you wrong - to give you hope."

"We're better off alone. We suffer alone. We die alone."

"All my life, I looked out and dreamed of being somewhere else. Now I realise how much I'll miss this view."

"I'm not as strong as you. I never was."

"You act like everybody's given up on you, but you've just given up on yourself."

"I love you. I wish I didn't, but I can't help it."

"Why is it so hard to do the right thing?"

"I want to be a good person, like you are."

"Why are you trying so hard to get rid of me?"

"Don't say that! You don't have to be alone!"

"Do you ever wish there was another way?"

"Why would you say something like that?"

"I'm obviously not okay."

"Haven't you ever done something in a relationship you wish you could take back?"

"Do you have any idea how painful it is to love you?"

"I know you're worried about me, and I also know that that kind of unselfishness doesn't come naturally to you, but I don't want your help."

"If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's fictional."

"I like being alone - at least, I convince myself that I'm better off that way."

"Why do you value your failures more than your successes?"

"Why do you care if I'm happy?"

"You can't help me. No one can."

"Why don't you trust me anymore?"

"I've crossed a line, and I’m having trouble getting back to the other side."

"We're all going to die eventually."

"Every once in a while, I like to hear the voice of someone who's on my side."

"You don't need to depend on people who are going to let you down!"

"Does it ever get any different for people like us?"

"Don't deflect. You always deflect."

"So you have no expectation that any relationship you enter into will last?"

"I love you, I really do. It's just, somehow, it's hard for me to show that when you're here."

"People don't get what they deserve, they just get what they get. There's nothing any of us can do about it."

"I'm not a good man. Not anymore."

"They all hate me. You don't hate me, do you?"

"So many people think that when you're exposed to death and suffering every day, you become immune. It's quite the opposite."

"There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you."

"This city makes people crazy."

"Any relationship that doesn't end in a breakup ends in death. Everything falls apart in the end."

Things that Leon hadn't known.

Perhaps it's a sign of his own arrogance that Leon finds himself surprised by the breadth of knowledge that Stahn is suddenly sharing. After all, different people from different walks of life were specialists in different things — but up until now, that had seemed more like a vague concept than a lived truth. The dynamic he perceived with Stahn had been simple. He was experienced, Stahn was not. He was raised in Darilsheid and had a thorough grasp on all the etiquette, history, and politics that came with it, while Stahn was a country bumpkin who didn't seem to know much of anything.

But it's not quite so clear cut, is it? Stahn did know things that Leon didn't. Even if it's something as inane as sheep-herding, which will probably never be relevant to Leon, so it's not useful information per se. But even so, he can't help noting the simple happiness that lit up Stahn's face as he spoke of his life back home. This is a perspective so far removed from Leon's way of life that he can't even really imagine it, but...it does make him a little curious.

"As usual, your priorities are out of order. It's not the knights' job to make people smile." And his own 'unsmiling face' certainly wasn't anyone's business but his own. But Leon's words have mostly lost their sharpness. At Stahn's next words, surprise flashes across his face, followed by a hint of uncertainty.

He tries to imagine himself walking into Stahn's little backwater village, free of his usual knightly obligations but also without the certainty of an expressed purpose. Perhaps it could be considered a...leisure trip, of sorts, to visit a former comrade? They could at least be considered that. But even that thought felt strange and awkward, like it's too personal of an invitation.

Knights usually left their homes and had to travel, Stahn thought. That they saw other places and ways of life. Had Leon just shut it all out and focused on his duties? It made Stahn sad to see how someone simply didn't have the desire to know things about other people. Even if some of his own meetings were brief and he would never see a person again, why not at least send them off with a smile and a happy memory?

But Leon didn't seem to understand that at all. Actually, with his attitude, he could probably frighten people more than make them smile... In Seinegald he was popular, but what about anywhere else? Would people still know his feats? Know he fought for the people when he kept that frown on his face and seemed uninterested in anything?

"I'll go home for a bit. I should probably at least show my face to everyone and tell them about this whole journey. I can always take a break before heading out again. Maybe a month at home to rest and readjust to things being normal again?" After all, they'd kind of been run ragged. Even if Leon could take it, it was new to Stahn and probably most of them, really.

If Leon was going to show up though, a month was probably a good amount of time to hang around. Enough time for him to really see how they lived there and maybe even act as a sort of knight while there. Not necessarily on duty, but giving people that sense of security. With any luck if Leon was willing, Stahn could learn from him in that time too. Assuming he had to go through the proper channels to become a knight even after having worked with Leon, that kind of training could be just enough to get him slightly ahead of any new recruits.

Kanata: Now THAT was some teamwork, huh?

Aegis: I disagree. Flaws top to bottom. We must practice!

Uncorking the bottle with shaking hands, he's quick to consume the medicine and within minutes, he can feel the burn of the poison slowly fade away. He still felt weak and exhausted but when your body goes through that much stress in such a short amount of time, it wasn't at all shocking.

"Thank you..." His thanks came out raspy as a cough slips out from his lips. Once again, his eyes trail over to the bodies of his fallen men as he ducks his head in shame. "I should be able to walk if I'm given just a few minutes. I... Yes, please bring the bodies back. I would like their families to give them proper burials. I'll have to personally go and apologize to their families as well."

Flynn took a deep breath, clenching his fist and in a short burst of anger, he lets his fist slam into the ground next to him in order to get some of the anger out of him. He let out a silent curse followed by a deep breath before climbing back up to his feet, unsteadily.

"...I apologize for the trouble. Unfortunately, there isn't much to explain. The intel I had received was wrong and... I should have done better about double checking it. This failure is on me." With that, his offers a quick bow to Aegis. "You're Captain Aegis Alver... correct? Of Medegal? You have my sincerest thanks for your help."

Whether the intel was wrong on accident or on purpose was another issue entirely but he didn't want to sew suspicion for no reason. Mistakes, unfortunately, happen all the time. Unfortunately, this mistake ended the lives of three good knights and would have to be investigated.

He sincerely hoped that the report had originally been correct and that things changed drastically but the likelihood of that actually being the case was close to zero. "...Would... you happen to know if this forest is known for such massive spikes of activity during this time of year? I'm wanting to know exactly how the intel I had been given was so... so..."

When Flynn questioned his identity, he nodded. "Yes, that is me. To be quite honest, even us knight captains are not exactly expected to check on whether or not information is accurate. When an order from a superior is given, generally we need to do is carry the order out. Whatever misinformation you received is not on you, but it does ring suspicious that your superior did not, I presume, check on the facts."

Unless his superior was in on it? Aegis knew little about their band of knights. At most he just knew they were allies right now, and even that was mostly just a formality. The knights themselves didn't even really properly get to meet or work with each other after the alliance was finalized. Learning about each other's fighting styles would have been in their best interests, and it felt almost neglectful that nobody had arranged for that.

As far as massive spikes went, well... it could happen, but they should have been subdued. In fact, the knights of Medegal, at least - he didn't know what information in that regard Flynn's knights had been given - were told that they were being managed and everything was being kept in check. For it to not be meant... either someone was killed and it was prevented at some point, or it was never happening to begin with.

Since Flynn wasn't exactly in his best condition right now, Aegis didn't spring the possibility on him that this might have been planned as a means to either get rid of him or that the alliance was a lot more finnicky than the higher ups were letting on. It was all smiles and handshakes in official capacities, but Aegis couldn't say he really, truly knew what was going on in their thoughts. It may not be the king himself, but it could be... someone close to him.

Still, he wouldn't lie either. "There can be, but our knights were told some time ago that the situation was being managed. We weren't given exact details - simply that the increase is incidents shouldn't happen this year because the monsters would be subdued." Actually, now that he thought on it... did the monsters in this area even have poison capabilities...? If they didn't but these one did...

Flynn thought he would be happy to suffer the brunt of Cumore and his soldier’s “bullying” and… Gods, calling it that made Flynn feel like a child again and he hated it but it was clear to anyone who looked close enough at it that that’s exactly what it was. Bullying. Cumore and his brigade were adamant of making Flynn feel trapped and belittled enough so that he would never submit a report like that again. 

Of course, nothing like that would ever get to Flynn. He knew that joining the knights, he would be suffering the worst of jabs and that he would simply have to get over it. Of course, he realizes with a tinge of sadness and bitterness in his heart, he always thought he wouldn’t be dealing with this alone. So perhaps it would be best to depend on Captain Schwann’s offer to write the report. Flynn couldn’t take this on by himself, after all.

“If you are offering, Captain Schwann, I would be a fool to turn it down. If you could write the report, sir, I would be happy to give you all of the details that you need for it. Any questions you might have, I shall answer to the best of my ability.” Flynn puts his fist over his chest in salute towards the Captain as he speaks. If his voice wavered at all, Flynn quickly tried to ignore it as he willed his nerves to calm down long enough to get through this conversation. 

Flynn would be lying if he said he wasn’t troubled. The entire situation was troubling but he wasn’t sure how he could possibly express those worries freely. If Cumore was more than happy to direct threats towards Flynn, how often did Cumore attack other knights as well over disagreements? How many Knights had lost their positions due to men like Cumore? Which Knights could be trusted? 

Captain Schwann had a rather large reputation amongst the empire. But was that a good thing? His brigade seemed to love their Captain immensely but what exactly did that mean? He knew that Lieutenant Leblanc, a man that had been around since he and Yuri were little, respected the man more than anything but…

“I… apologize for seeming troubled, sir. Admittedly, I think I am. I…” Flynn hesitates, glancing around the area warily. “I do want justice, sir… But not just for myself. I want to be sure that others aren’t experiencing this very same situation that I have found myself in.” 

His thoughts jump to Yuri, thinking of how Yuri would have absolutely and gladly punched a few of these soldiers by now if he had been in Flynn’s shoes. Or maybe even if he hadn’t been. But what was stopping another knight from retaliating against Cumore’s knights in anger? Would that knight be blamed then? Even though they were provoked into attacking?

Regardless of what Alexei did and did not know that he was possibly not sharing with Schwann (did he not trust him enough anymore...?), he probably needed to make an official complaint about his behavior anyway. Technically it was none of his business, but there was still a part of him that would take pleasure in watching Cumore squirm at the idea of his behavior being deemed problematic for the knights. Schwann had no need for wants of his own, but sometimes the dumb things just took free reign.

Still, with no real need to consider or listen to Flynn's worries, he did. He wanted to. He wanted to make the knights better for the next generation of knights. Watching them belittle Flynn just reminded him how hardly anything, if anything at this point, had actually improved from within. Trashy knights were still running amok and very few bothered to put a stop to it.

And Flynn's words were... so familiar. How could he turn the other way when this was what the boy wanted? When she would have taken Flynn into her squad at the drop of a hat with words like those? Every once in a while there was a person who wanted to be a knight to make things right. Granted, the only way to truly do that would be to find an entirely new council too. They were probably worse than the knights as a whole.

"You're right; and that's a problem." There were times when knights used citizens to appease their boredom, going as far as harassment. Schwann himself used to want to simply fit in, back when he was... someone long dead. He walked with those people, talked with those people, ate with those people... and all that ever seemed to come out of their mouths was some form of cruelty to others.

Someone like Flynn needed to be in a better position. Needed to be able to be the person who heard the reports instead of made them. Only that way would reports be actually taken with urgency and not handwaved as some whiny child who should just ignore the jabs of the "hardworking" knights. "Unfortunately you often need to find the right knights to speak to. Tell the wrong ones and they'll warn their superiors to keep an eye on you."

Schwann himself had gotten mostly lucky with his brigade. Many of them - most of them - were knights in the traditional sense of being there to guard the populace. The second attempt at the idea of a mix of commoners and nobles in the same brigade. Not all of them were quite as righteous, but most of that was just fumbling at the attempt and learning as they went. Most of it was still just trying.

All he could truly hope for for Flynn was that his worries wouldn't fizzle out. That he wouldn't become simply tired of fighting for better and just settle. What he wanted was... quite a fight to obtain. Many people would give up hope and start to become exhausted, eventually just decided it wasn't possible. It took a lot of effort, and you had to not die in the meantime.

Unfortunately with the missions he was often sent out on, he wouldn't always be able to watch Flynn's back. He couldn't always step in to have his back. Eventually Flynn needed to find a way to be assertive for himself without provoking the scum too much. He needed a balance that was just enough to bore the fools rather than make them outright angry.

"It won't happen right away, but work to get above them. With the way that lot is behaving, they're already content in their standing. They probably don't care about moving higher on the ladder." Heck, with those attitudes, their families probably sent them away to straighten them out. Funny. It sure as shit had worked for Schwann, even if it wasn't the way the dead man's father had intended for it to happen.