Just South of Heaven

Like any other typical person in their late teens to early 20s, I was addicted to this website. I mean, I had every reason to be, I had so many tumblr friends whom I was very lucky to meet quite a handful of them (including my best friend next to my high school best friend...did that make any sense?? Anywho, lets go on). I discovered so many bands and also expanded my taste in not just music, but in movies and tv shows..I mean cause...seeing the same damn screen shot of a particular show 80 times a day is more appealing than learning The New Testament (fun fact: I graduated from a Catholic University...so I actually did take a Theology course). But also, I met someone who taught me the biggest life lesson I could ever receive. 

Let me give you a little back story before I even mention my story with this person: To this day, I have never been in a serious relationship, and I have (well had) many reasons for this and the number one reason was because of my father. He was never really nice to me unless he was doped up or drunk, so I did what any girl with daddy issues would do, which was not be nice to any guy I dated and would only let them fuck me if I was wasted.If I ever felt anyone, especially a guy get too close, not only would I put my wall up, I would just be this nasty person to them. Not going to lie, some guys actually did deserve it because they really were fucking assholes. But not this guy....not this guy at all. 

It started the same, random message on here, talking about music and shit. I gave him my number, yita yita yita, talking every day, facetime (when I used to have an iPhone), etc. I knew how he felt from the beginning because he told me, but me being my old self, I gave him every reason that I didn’t want anything from him. Even though he knew it was complete bullshit, he accepted it, and still was the same damn caring son of a bitch he will always be. 

Fast forward maybe about 7 months later, my feelings got stronger and stronger, so therefore more pushing away on my end..but he never let go, until I finally said I not just liked him...but that I loved him. I have never used that word seriously before until him. And then all of a sudden, it was like a light switch on his end...saying how he didn’t want anything and we were just meant to be friends, etc. etc. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because I was just so hurt by that, but he wouldn’t allow it. He kept begging and begging until I just snapped and just said let me calm down and I’ll talk to you tomorrow (me back then, calming down was drinking a half a bottle of vodka screaming and crying into the phone of one my friends...I’m thankful that girl called me that day, she even knew something was wrong and she even told me that when I answered it). 

The first two times I tried to cut him out of my life were unsuccessful, the first time I wasn’t ready to talk yet and pretended everything was fine, but then I started to see that he was doing to me what I used to do to him, especially if I was trying to hook up with someone during whatever you would call us. So then I just stopped talking to him again. The next time was when I found out the girl he was dating cheated on him. As he was describing her, she was very similar to me, except she lived in the same state as he did. I called him out on it, saying how unfair it was that you are more than willing to take this girl back but I was finally ready to give us a shot, and you just ran away. All I ever wanted was a reason why her and not me, and you know the end, he took her back and he looks incredibly happy with her. 

But now that I think about it as I type all of this shit out, I realize that we really weren’t meant to be no matter how many times I thought we would be in the end. If it were meant to be, the both of us wouldn’t have done what we did to each other, especially me. That is his reasoning to it, it just wasn’t meant to be between the two of us. He also showed me that I can’t fucking do the shit that I do to someone I care about because that’s how I was raised. I don’t want to be like my dad, and I’ve kept my promise ever since...

I talk about my feelings now, or write them down in a journal rather than binge drinking. I haven’t seriously dated anyone (longest was like 2 weeks), and let him know it wasn’t working out rather than fall off the face of the planet or just be a dick to him. I’m also not negative about relationships anymore, I’m not scared to let anyone in anymore, because I know I’m not meant to die alone, I mean I wouldn’t have friends if I were supposed to die alone, right? I no longer say “this will never happen” because you know what, I used to say that about him, and guess what...it didn’t happen. 

When my time will come, it will. I’m not going to rush anything, and I’m not going to force something to happen because I want it to. So I guess what I am trying to say is, thank you to the guy who even though broke my heart, for teaching me how to get a grasp on my emotions and share them rather than explode. It’s weird that I thought I would be crying as I type this because two weeks ago when I saw his picture with the girl, I cried and was so angry. But now, I smile. I’m glad he is with someone who’s happy. When it’s my time, it will be great.