All That Is Gold Does Not Glitter

im glad that my legacy is assaulting children

Why do witches like always wanna fatten kids up before they eat them?? fat is like the grossest part of meat

“Why hello there, little children~. Please follow me to my magical… FITNESS ROOM. NO P A N S I E S ALLOWED BEYOND THIS POINT. LEAVE YOUR WHINING AT THE DOOR BECAUSE IT’S LEG DAY AND WE’RE ABOUT TO GET R-R-R-RIPPE D.”

Because they’re always cooking said kids in cauldrons and ovens - aka long cooking times at lowish heat. If you do that to fatty meat, the fat melts completely and the meat gets tear-it-apart-with-a-fork soft. If you do it to lean meat, you get tiny little sad meat bits that bring no joy to anyone.

well you did ask

Also there’s wisdom in fattening them up on sweets and other carbs. A meatless, carb-rich diet makes for more tender and flavourful meat.

you are arguing over the semantics of EATING CHILDREN

Well yeah, you gotta get this shit right or it’s a waste of 40-80 lbs of meat.

plus if you feed them a high fat, low nutrition diet, they’re easier to subdue and less likely to run away, which would be a concern for an elderly crone.

Thank you, Old Witch With Candy House side of tumblr.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough

[happy beeping[

American sex ed is taught like Dolores Umbridge’s Defense of the Dark Arts class.

“Why would you need to know about sex? If you aren’t having it, there will be no need for protection”

okay but this is the most accurate thing i’ve ever seen? amazing.

SAVAGE

THE SHADE OF IT ALL.

My boss told me this story and I didn’t believe it. It’s so good.