Toil ‘n’ Trouble

Once we left Paris, we went to Mykonos, the “party” island in Greece, for a friend’s 40th celebration. It was an absolute blast, and in a stunning villa with an infinity pool overlooking the Mediterranean Sea. Pinch me.

Next stop, Santorini. We rented a 4wheeler rather than a car, and I do not remember the last time I had that much fun and giggled so hard, while being awestruck the entire time. We also had a room with stairs that lead to a cave/pool inside the room. Unreal. We rode mules down to the water because I love horses and Justin loves donkeys, so that had to happen, and then, off to Athens.

Athens was covered in graffiti and worn down, but the town square was incredibly lovely and fun to wander around. The acropolis blew my mind. The moment I approached The Temple of Athena, I got emotional; I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. My next pair of dogs will be named Erebus and Pnyx due to their part in Greek mythology, which was decided upon months ago. As I approached the Parthenon, there were ruins lining the streets and, one of the fenced off sites, was The Fountain of Pnyx. Athens seems a little sketchy at first, but the people are incredibly friendly, the food is amazing, and the ruins (and cats!) littered throughout the city make for an incredible vibe.

This trip to Europe was very different than my trip 12 years ago. This time, I was with Justin, of course, which made for a wildly different experience and we went to Mykonos, Santorini and Athens, Greece - but first, we went to Paris.

I was so excited to revisit a foreign country for my first time; it was a bit surreal, and I was stoked to feel like I could “show” Justin some super cool things. Not only that, but I missed the catacombs last time and made up for that, took a “then and now” photo of me next to Jim Morrison’s grave while wearing the same jacket I was wearing 12 years ago, Notre Dam, ran around the Louvre and saw new things, and best of all, I reunited with a French girl I met in Belgium when I was 28. She showed us around a new part of the city, ate escargot with us, took us to the Arc De Triumph and Moulin Rouge, and we stayed up all night with her and had an absolute blast. We also met a Polish guy we made friends with and he biked us around and, well, that was an entirely separate adventure.

Something was so cool about this trip to Paris; this time, we took our time, got really good at the subway, ate really great food — lamb, salmon, rabbit, frog legs, and escargot — and we didn’t hold out on any experience or food we wanted to try. We stumbled upon the coolest part of town I didn’t know existed, where restaurants were open air and wedged into every tight corner and in-between, and accordion players were serenading the airwaves throughout the busy streets. We popped into a sweet little restaurant and had an amazing dinner and some wine. It was a memory I’ll not soon forget, and I left more in love with Paris than ever.

I have put all of my energy into healing and, eventually, liberating myself from the severity of damage my brain has received due to traumatic mental and physical abuse. There are no excuses for the lingering responses, emotional reactivity or reactions due to this trauma. After all, I placed myself into situations that opened the door for it to exist, and to fester.. and fester, it did.

My complete adoration and love for Justin’s entire being has gifted me all of the tools I’ve needed to put myself back together again. It is and always has been within me to do so, but impossibly so thus far, as my trauma responses have never been met with an actual understanding of what was happening, or a love deep enough to even want to understand what was going on or have the realization that I just needed help. A past love of mine was there to offer support as much as he could, but even being present in my life in the thick of all that was happening to me, his support was not without condition, nor should I have expected it to last. He was never there for me, he was only ever there for himself. Once my heart took over and I began finally choosing myself, I needed more than familiarity of the past to find solace, because that, too, ended up feeling empty and lonely, no matter how badly I wished his arms felt like home again. I craved to be held and to be heard by someone worthy of the healthiest version of myself, which would end up being the same person who wouldn’t dismiss my feelings for anything this world has to offer; someone who knows how to honor and to cherish the Divine in their counterpart, therefor, helping me to remember how do the same, in return. And it would take time.

It was actually my past love who snapped me out of my dark, cold and careless spell, simply by noticing, and by telling me that if I didn’t start caring, I would lose everything. And he meant Justin, among other things, I’m sure. It was that exact moment I started leaning into Justin and opening my heart back up. I will never forget sitting on the couch and beginning to allow myself to be vulnerable in a new way, and I began sobbing. I hadn’t really cried around him, I was dull, and there was nothing that moved me. I apologized for flowing so intensely and he said, “I’m just happy to see you feeling things.” What a powerful moment.

Onward and upward we’ve continued to go since then, never dismissing the occasional steps backward. But it never fails, when and if we stumble at all, we spend the next day sprinting forward. Life really does seem to go by faster as you get older, as we chase our goals, hunger for connection, see signs of aging, worry and stress about things that have yet to happen, watch loved ones die and family fall apart - there’s just not one fucking excuse to not apply your lessons, grieve without shame, travel, rave, fuck, communicate well, be curious, go to festivals and dance, grow like a weed, laugh at everything, kiss on the mouth, tell your family you love them, do what you love, snorkel, eat LSD, and fart in front of your partner. For the love of god… start fartin’.

We went to the island of Icacos and snorkeled in the bluest of blue waters, ate amazing food, played in the city and in the jungle. Some of the friendliest people in the world live here.

This was our last trip before Justin got his passport, then off to Thailand we went.

This is Tao.

After the proposal.

Lately, life has left me feeling a bit suspicious … almost as if something’s gone terribly wrong and I just haven’t yet received word. The only complaint that comes to mind is that I find myself starved for that release of emotion hitting the pages, whether into the ether, or by my hand, inside one of many Book of Shadows gifted to me on birthdays over the past twenty years. It’s almost as if I begin desperately searching for imperfections and worry where there is none, dwelling on lessons learned, or fearing that which hasn’t happened yet. But, today feels different.

Usually, excitement or bliss of any kind shoots all around and out of me like a hurricane — one made of joyous, maniacal laughter and half-sentences as I bounce around the room, trembling with anticipation, gratitude, or impatience. As deeply as I embrace the beauty weaved throughout darkness and sorrow and the lessons therein, I am more in touch with the lighter side of life; the hilarious, the outrageous, the positive, the thrilling, and, most of all, the depth of love. My point is, due to the way I express myself in heightened states, I fail to find poetic flow worthy of written expression. So, I just don’t do it often, which has been a disservice to bliss, where learning also thrives.

The last four years of my life have each been as rich and unique as though they had been completely separate lifetimes. I am very slowly making progress in controlling my headspace and am ready to demand all the real estate in there to be given back to me. After multiple people in my life — who I loved enough at one point to have been able to be absolutely crushed by the weight of their shortcomings or lack of courage to communicate their “big kid” feelings — as they all got too busy becoming someone and forgetting the importance of becoming nobody, I finally saw an opening and slipped out the back, and with minimal damage. I then was able to tune in as The Witness, watching back on myself pass through the necessary stages: confusion, sadness, anger, disgust, and, well.. progress is slow and disgust still lingers, for now. I look forward to the next stage of learning and growth for me here, now that I can better control my energy and take back what is mine: bliss, happiness, contentment, adventure, optimism, gratitude always, and, my favorite — creating! These traits I have never had to chase, and I am grateful for this each day; nothing consumes me for longer than its intended purpose, and each potential lesson taught by hurt grasps my full attention once I get back on my sensitive feet.

I finally feel Me returning back to Self, the tricky part being, I was not aware I’d strayed so far until I realized I had to escape where I’d ended up; much work left to do, as always. One of the best parts of waking up each day is knowing I can only be a better version of myself tomorrow.

The second best part of waking up each day is knowing I am not a selfish coward who has to manipulate or be manipulated in order to feel love; I will never avoid facing challenging situations due to the richness of value they hold. I hold myself accountable and do my best to practice what I preach, which includes wishing those who consciously and selfishly harm others, nothing but prosperity and the ability to heal and change. These people lack, therefore they take, what they have not put in the work to yet earn themselves. What goes around … it will find you, by design.

Lastly, I wake each day grateful, as the final bits and pieces that were holding me back are breaking and falling away, and soon, disgust will be replaced with apathy as I continue to thrive, set beautiful goals, and reach every single one. Thank you, Universe, for every stage in the process of healing and forgiveness, leading to unimaginable empowerment; thank you, anger and disgust, for giving me endless examples of who and what I no longer wish to be, and even more, for the people who ignite anger and disgust deep inside of me — thank you for being a perfect example of who I’ve never wanted to be, and could never become if I tried.

Funny, how spite has become quite the useful tool, rather than a hinderance; it is this tiny, fleeting, physical reaction in my body that pings, for only a moment, as I dismiss the idea of you - and you, and you, and so on and so forth. It has become a tool of protection, reminding me to redirect my thoughts back to the things that excite me, such as travel, buying (and decorating!) a new home, or the creative fuck sesh from the night before that leaves a lingering smirk of satisfaction to wear throughout the day. If women peak in their 40s, I can’t even wrap my head around the logistics of finding time for more sex, but we’ve proven to be quite successful in quenching our desires. Each of us now has a very clear picture of exactly what we want and how we want it, and neither hesitates to fulfill the other, as it also satisfies our own naughty appetite. This is the best cyclical loop of low-key selfishness that I can think of finding myself in, and I don’t ever want to get out. Anyway… that topic deserves an entirely separate post of its own… another time.

Shedding old, stagnant relationships has felt comparable to a snake shedding it’s frail and damaged skin; once you reach the end of the process in its entirety, the bold, refreshed and vibrant being underneath is able to stretch, take up space without restriction, and inhale a deep breath of relief as though it has been born once again. It is something similar, I would imagine, to “taking off a tight shoe.”

This life has been the equivalent to taking the scenic backroads to wherever it is I’m headed, as I soak up all the side quests, adventures and scenery on my way to the destination — one that is never final.

The future holds peace for me; for my mind, my happy home, my marriage, my nervous system entirely, and for this wide open space I get to continue learning to love myself inside of. In Justin’s arms, I take refuge. I’ve always been much happier than others have allowed me to fully realize. I just have to remind myself that it is always only one choice away, and my choice, alone.

Who are you when you wake up? Who do you wish to be once you’ve crawled into bed in the evening? Those two questions need guide the day, and actively molding your answers how you see fit is how we should spend our present moment.

Go ahead. You’re playing tricks on yourself. Everything is better than ok.

What did you accomplish today? Did you reach your adjustment goals, or are you waiting for an opportunity to apply? No rush, despite your eager obsession with change. You’re good enough and this is but one day in one lifetime of many.

Take back your thoughts. Allow worry to fall away. Take back the energy that ends up a burden elsewhere. They know it’s you, but the details get twisted in fear. Madness begets madness. Rest now. Let them come and go with ease, and as they please.

There is no unrest to be had here, only emotion and anger you are responsible for allowing. Unworthiness permeates thoughts here and there, and bliss takes over the reality of it all. Lean into that. Don’t forget that is what is real. You’re prevailing. You’re exactly where you want to be and there is nowhere else you wish to go. Is that not good enough, now?

I rest now in awe, once more, as the Universe leaves me overwhelmed with gratitude at all that is, and all that once was; a specific kind of gratitude established only while consumed with raw emotion; a specific kind of gratitude that one doesn’t hold for all that will be, until it has arrived.

This gratitude is tender; it is the first to greet you, navigate sorrow alongside you, and meet you on the other side of grief.

This gratitude is inconsistent, at times remaining absent, even unfamiliar, as though it was never present in all that was, or all that is. This gratitude wakes you gently one morning after the storm has passed, once anger and pain have begun to subside. This gratitude is not promised, it is found in the deepest parts of you that wish to let go, to forgive, to heal, and to grow.

This gratitude is littered amongst the debris of earth-shattering change; it is surrounded by misery, darkness, grief, or fear. It is the light above and throughout suffering that rarely finds its way to the sufferer. It must be embraced and acknowledged before it is ours; it must be wanted to be found. This gratitude only exists when your heart desires peace and acceptance, and most importantly, change within, and change without.

What did you learn; what will come of this; why you, why now; what part did you play while riddled with fear or anger; what part will you play after this loss or change?

What changes ahead will now benefit you; who do you want to become; how will you show up different; how will a devastating loss strengthen you or create ease in the future?

I look around now, faced with unforeseen anger, frustration, and loss that has, ultimately, set me free. But not without a fight. Some, infuriating, and have brought about confusion beyond comprehension. Once I held myself and Truth as priority, gratitude found its way and I have never felt lighter or more in love with my life and, most importantly, Self. What started as anger and frustration, once confused as a loss, has left me more grateful than I can ever remember feeling, the main and most poignant reason being how fortunate I am to be on this side of the “loss”. The level of this gratitude I worked so hard for has rippled throughout every area of my life and gifted me the space to love myself, at last. I became free.

With a newfound love in Self, my heart opened up so wide I was able to fully embrace that I am deserving of a love that is kind, passionate, and gentle, and only then, was I ready to learn what real love is.

A loss indeed; a loss of a consistent reminder that I was once never good enough, a reminder of the false belief that someone else’s needs are always more important than my own. A loss of inconsistency and fear, emotional unrest and underlying ill intent - lies, blame, guilt or shame, just… gone. This loss has been one of my greatest teachers, and for that, I am grateful. What a stunning example of gratitude to wake up to each day. Ahh, so.

The second loss was of my companion, my fierce and loyal protector, my daemon, my shadow and my friend. My beautiful boy, DeSoto, taken in an instant and without pain. The void his absence has left in my heart is unbearable at times; the sorrow has not lifted, as I am left with reminders of him every day, habits, ones that I adored and others I took for granted for the eight years he dedicated his life to loving me. It has been one month now, and the daily reminder that still stains the pavement once made me ill, but now leaves me with a different ache, as it is all I have left of my loyal friend.

Among this grief, gratitude is with me. It greets me when I see memories of our adventures; when I know that I can go anywhere in the world without worrying about someone loving him properly in my absence, harm finding its way to him, or anxiousness consuming him, while I am away. I am grateful that I now know what it is to be loved unconditionally on a level that I only dreamt of. I am grateful to know such a fierce loyalty exists, from a being who saw all parts of me, who feared me at times, who journeyed alongside every version of who I once was, and into who I have become. A lesson in unwavering love, innocence, loyalty, and a reminder to always see the world with new eyes, and to find joy in all things. And also.. there is a time and a place to be fierce, and a time and a place to relax your mind and accept the flow of love that means you no harm. Thank you, DeSoto. Thank you for showing me how to love and to grieve unabashedly and without shame. Not a day goes by…

You are forever in my heart, Sweet Boy, for now and for always.

And thank you, grief, for always inspiring me to bleed through my favorite form of expression, each and every time we meet. Thank you, anger and emotion, for showing me the parts of Self that want or need change. Thank you for exposing those who deserve a place in my life, and those who no longer serve me and are only ever serving themselves; for shedding such a brilliant light onto those who see me for who I really am and bathe in every drop of my bleeding heart, who nurture my soul and believe in me each day. Learning to embrace gratitude in the depths of grief and beyond the flames of anger and confusion has given me the capacity to allow only authentic love to permeate every corner of my life and of my heart, and in places it did not reside before. Gratitude has shown me I am worthy and I am enough, that I always have been and always will be.

When the world feels as though it is closing in on me, I will always stay aware of the silver lining, even when it is out of view. My heart is now safe and my heart is full. For that and so much more, I will forever be grateful.

Winter is upon us

May new sprouts slumber in the warmth of the dead

May the coming spring be glorious and abundant

Oh, how we’ll wait and dream of May and beyond

Long live the Queen and King.”

Forcing solitude upon myself was only full of hope from the start, but has already been wildly abundant; gentleness with self and others while learning forgiveness is the only real way for my heart and soul to let go of deeply-rooted resentment. I had an “aha” moment which sent me back in time; a time where we were only kids, playing in creeks and listening to Weezer, going on drives and getting high. We were just innocent kids, monsters in the making - and we were side by side. And then, I went further. You behave how you know to behave, as do I; every waking hour I spend aching for my inner world to evolve and to overcome and learn and grasp the difference between my innocence, grasping onto anyone who feels safe, and a wild woman who rages with a fire inside that only she can extinguish; one she has not been ready or willing to snuff until her wrath has brought vengeance, and without even understanding what that really meant. It simply became her.

You were not treated fairly, and I forgive you for fighting to protect yourself in the only way you know how, albeit, terribly. But I forgive you. We are still those innocent kids, laughing and going on hikes and dancing through our teens and 20s together. A song came on that reminded me that we fucking blew it hard, and I fought this feeling of deep, deep sadness boiling over as I was in the process of understanding what it was, and then, I released… and here we are, still dancing on the ashes of our only attempt at something more. “Cheers to us.” I forgive you, and I forgive me. *Deep breath* Ahh.. and there it is. One of the best cries of my life. Grateful, grateful… You have done more work than you know for us to be here, now. And I can’t wait to sit you down and tell you how proud I am of you. And of me. It would be an honor to look into those eyes I know so well, and tell you what I’m afraid you’ve never heard before.

I am too sensitive, yearning too deeply to heal that raging woman inside; too eager to bring her peace and her body and mind, health, to not do everything in my power to be a thriving and vibrant version of myself. I deserve her. The people who love me unconditionally deserve her. The people I will get to know in the future, they deserve her. And I am finally ready. Out with those who spike my blood pressure or brush me to the side because they haven’t learned how to take responsibility for who they are, where they are, when they are… or why.

I woke up one day and the urge was gone; no longer was it acceptable — the problem was me, it was always me. One seemingly-impossible decision away from a somewhat rigid, yet fruitful, life; the one I lived every day, in-between habitual defeat and angry failures left to spoil and rot. Yet, here I was, choosing over and over, as if by insanity, to excuse the necessity in this one, small, yet larger-than-life decision. But now, I see.

Necessity had taken over my clouded mind, and the storm began to pass. It was as if I had no say in the matter, which made it more powerful and all the fruit taste that much sweeter. Rigidity lingered as authenticity ripped through me like a starving beast, unable to hide behind its animalistic hunger.

These eyes simply cannot tell a lie, as they were specifically designed for transparency in order to stay in line; to stay on the path of protecting oneself, as well as forcing integrity down my own throat until I choked in ecstasy as the benefits provided in abundance. The only room for error is left for those incapable of penetrating the liquid lines of black, decorated with purpose and intention. I suppose you deserve the deception, anyhow.

With sharp, honest eyes and fine-tuned senses, I sit and watch as everyone exposes themselves, just as I have and will continue to do until the potency of this lesson takes hold. But as for now, I watch from above myself as “the witness”, overflowing with the hope of strength enough to follow through and embrace raw existence in this excruciating, yet wildly exhilarating, reality within a reality within a reality within…

The darkness still rages within me, like a storm looming over a bloodied battlefield; an omen, a shroud of darkness to embrace our fate. I once was a master at shapeshifting, of conquering the latest version of my ever-evolving self.. but now, all that's left is me.

Who is this person, this person who blankly stares back at me? She is ugly and sad, seemingly without wisdom, as if all of her lessons and growth had been left on a train in another country in some sort of over-sized suit case. Who is this person who has been left without her precious things? Her identity? Does she know? What happened to her, I wonder.. and yet, I feel responsible for all things lost. All I wish is to understand why, and perhaps, where to go from here.

I promised laughter and joy, unlimited adventure and unconditional love. It is too late for him, he who had fallen in love with an idea, and all I can give him is what I didn't realize I had become. I grieve daily for this man who deserves all things good; I grieve for him, shortly after I grieve for me.

After reconnecting with a life-long acquaintance after ten years, we have been inseparable ever since. And so begins the story of a shark-filled, lesson-learning and adventurous bond that will last until death do us part.

At first, I was distant and doubtful, as I find it hard to give all of myself to anyone (aside from Anthony, in the past - a soul mate, whether he likes it or not; one who forever tarnished the process of trusting another with all of me). Justin enters and ushers me away from a toxic situation that left me wounded beyond measure only for me to, after a little time, panic, as I felt I was letting go already; I was afraid of the work that lay ahead in order for us to be what the other needed.

Now this is not a common dynamic, for I was angrier than I’ve ever been and he is the gentlest man I’ve ever met. First lesson: don’t walk all over him because I am angry and he’s gentle; he is not the cause of my trauma - don’t be the cause of his.

I found myself communicating in a healthy manner, surprisingly, since I was recently used to defense mechanisms and anger - and it came naturally because of who Justin is and how he treats me. Ah, so... change is beginning to occur. I expressed how I felt about things rather than demanding change and he, out of love, simply applied these changes (I’d never need change that didn’t benefit both of us). And then, I started noticing myself change for him; the nasty habits I’d learned along the way began to melt away. Not entirely, of course... there will always be much work to do.

We inspire one another on many levels because we are a perfect balance to the others’ temperament, needs, growth and lessons to offer and to receive. And most importantly ... we inspire each other to find adventure.

We live in Washington State in the Cascade Mountains. Within the first year, we have traveled to the Florida Keys three separate times, Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, Texas, and Hawaii. I have a healthy obsession with sharks and the very first time we were in Key Largo, we were trying to get a seat on the deck of a restaurant, overlooking the water - I wanted to see a damn shark. They said it’d be an hour wait, but we took it anyway. Not five minutes later, we got our table. I sat there, looking out over the water and said, “Just give me ONE hammerhead (as they hunt for rays in shallow water)” and not two seconds later - A FIN! It was a Lemon Shark! I realized it was was a nursery and the parents were a bit further out, all splashing and hunting and bright golden in the sun. I was so excited I got emotional. The next time we went to Key Largo, I saw a nurse shark and climbed down the ladder to be in the water with it. Beautiful! We also saw manatees! The third time, we saw all of the above, plus barracudas - which we swam with over the reef. So amazing!

On our recent trip to Oahu, we booked a tour with One Ocean diving and went swimming with Galapagos, Sandbars and a hammerhead!

Anyway ..... I am flying high after this trip and the more work we put in and the more sharks we see, the more this all just seems right. Cheers, to new adventures, overcoming past trauma, breaking down our walls and trusting love enough to let it seep back in - and SHARKS!

I must remember in this fit of rage and undeserved neglect, that I, too, have been the abuser, the wrath, the bringer of unrest.

I must always remember although I was so easily given up on in my darkest hour, the most important thing now is not, simply, returning the favor.

I must remember that Love is the way, and ego must disperse whether I am wrong or wronged, in any which way.

I must always remember that my hurt-turned-to-words will give you fuel for the fire; stay calm, stay kind, and your apologies will transpire.

You will only see yourself when I’ve given you no reason left to blame; showing up as my Higher Self amongst abuse is my aim.

The lessons are plentiful and self control is the mission; choosing love through adversity is the daunting, worthy vision.

Roar up from the flames, lighting a cigarette on the way; can’t burn this witch down, not with her magic on display.

But I promise you this, so listen up good; It will help you move forward, when no one left thinks you should:

No time soon will I forget, that be peace or unrest,

whichever Self I embrace, whether weakness or my best,

I was always the one on my knees, outside of your locked door, begging for peace, and not a fucking thing more.

If I am dark and awful, I’m on my knees, begging for love.

If I am light and practicing against your vulgar, bastard self, I’m on my knees, begging for love.

Begging for love.

Begging.

For love.

Pay attention.

I miss being appreciated for who and what I am. I miss being understood, and better yet.. wanting to be understood by someone who lacks self preservation as their first concern.