whoa ok step back, daedalus built a cow suit for a woman who wanted to fuck a bull and that's why the minotaur WAS A THING? I DID NOT KNOW THIS
I honestly think that Iād be doing you a great disservice if I didnāt tell you about the time Daedalus enabled rampant bestiality, so allow me to clear this gap in your knowledge.Ā
Anyone who doesnāt want to read a poorly retold myth about a man who built a cow suit so realistic that it totally fooled a magic bull into laying down some absolutely quality homo-bovine dick and siring a minotaur should probably press J on their keyboard right now, but honestly if that synopsis doesnāt do it for you then you should probably just quit Greek mythology all together.
So, Minos is this guy who manages to achieve the dual feat of being both King of Crete and an incorrigible asshole. Also, the first achievement is a really tenuous one, because Minos has like a billion brothers and heās basically Malcolm in the Middle and all his brothers are better looking than him and they have way better abs and itās really awkward every year at Christmas because theyāre all ācould you pass the stuffing, Minos? Also youāre totally stuffed because Iām going to be king one day haha suck it, right onā and so Minos starts to get really worried that heās going to lose the throne to one of his more lustrous-locked brothers and then heāll be stuck with just the one achievement of being an incorrigible asshole and so he has a little brood and he comes up with a plan.Ā
One day, he goes up to Poseidon, god of the sea and all things wet (or at least thatās what he tells girls at the Olympus nightclubs) and heās like āhey, Poseidon, could you do me a solid?ā and Poseidon is like āno bro but I can do you a liquidā and they have a little manly giggle and then Minos says āno but really, I need a favourā and Poseidon is like āwell, you just gave me a golden opportunity to mock the states of matter, Iām 100% up for doing any favour you wantā and Minos says āwell, you know how I have loads of brothersā and Poseidon is like āyou mean the better looking ones?ā and Minos pouts and says ālooks arenāt everything, but yes, those onesā and Poseidon is like āgo onā and Minos says āwell, I need them to stop trying to steal the throne because itās getting really annoying and also I canāt sleep at night any more and itās driving my hot wife insane, could you maybe show that you totally support me being King of Crete? That way, theyāll definitely stop being dicks at Christmasā and Poseidon just nods and says āI have a great idea for how I can do thisā
and Minos is like āwow, are you going to send down an army of merpeople and slaughter all my brothers in a righteous and watery battle?ā and Poseidon is like ānoā and Minos says āare you going to conjure up a giant tidal wave and make it destroy all my brothersā homes but leave my palace totally intact?ā and Poseidon is like ānoā and Minos says āwell, are you going to turn all my brothers into mermen?ā and Poseidon is like ālook, Iām going to send you a bullā
and Minos just blinks and says āa bullā and Poseidon nods and grins and says āyes, a bullā and Minos says āTHATāS bullā and Poseidon points behind him and says āno, THATāS a bullā and then he brings out this fucking phenomenal bull. Like, this bull puts all other bulls to shame. Itās glowing white and itās as big as two ordinary bulls and probably twice as virile. Itās basically overcompensation in taurine form. Anyway, this bull is so bitchinā that immediately, all of Minosā brothers are like āwow, nope, you can keep that throne, we donāt want Poseidon to sic his sick bull on usā and basically Minos lives happily ever after with his incredible bull.
Until eventually Poseidon shows up at Minosā palace and says āhey, Minos, you know that really awesome bull I lent you a while back?ā and Minos is like āwhat bullā and Poseidon is like āthe magical snow white bull which gleamed in the Cretan sun like limestone and Apolloās cheekbonesā and Minos is like āoh, THAT bullā and Poseidon is like āyes, that bull, now where is it because Iām having a bull party next week and I really want it backā and Minos says āwell, hereās the thing, and itās kind of a funny story really and Iām sure weāll laugh about it later, maybe we could even laugh about it now, ha, but anyway all jokes aside Iām keeping the bullā and Poseidon is all ālike fuck youāre keeping that bull, itās my best bull, this is bullshitā and Minos is like āthatās one of the hazards of keeping a bull, maybe youāre not cut out for itā and Poseidon says āyou havenāt heard the end of this, Minos, you have made a very powerful and watery enemyā and he leaves and Minos goes and, like, pets the bull or something, I donāt know what you do with bulls.
So, Poseidon goes back to his soggy lair and formulates a plan, and he eventually comes up with something straight out of Quentin Tarantinoās brie-induced nightmares. He goes to find Aphrodite, the goddess of love and afternoon delight, and says āhey Aphrodite, first of all you look delectable and secondly I need you to help me make a woman bang a bullā and Aphrodite is like āI honestly hate this job sometimes, but youāre right, I do look delectable, tell me moreā and Poseidon is like āI had this really sweet bull and I lent it to Minos so he would think I liked him and now he wonāt give it back and so I need you to make his wife fall in love with the bull, itās a foolproof vengeance planā and Aphrodite says āyou are a godā and Poseidon says āyesā and Aphrodite says āwhy canāt you just, you know, take back the bull with your divine power?ā and Poseidon is like ālook, are you going to make this woman fall in love with the bull or notā and Aphrodite is like āfuck yes, that sounds hilarious, consider it done and I want front row seatsā and Poseidon is like āyou are my favourite niece and occasional lover, I owe you oneā
Back to the palace at Crete, where Minosā wife,Ā PasiphaĆ«, is lounging about on a contemporary equivalent to a chaise-lounge when she suddenly gets this unmistakable urge to do the do with a bull - but not just any bull, her loins quiver only for the bull in her husbandās barnyard.Ā Instead of doing what most people would do when they realise they have an insatiable urge to make tender love to a bull and immediately committing herself to months of therapy, she thinks āI know what I have to doā and she picks up the contemporary equivalent of a phone and calls Daedalus, inventor and architect extraordinaire.
Sheās all āhey, Daedalus, we have patient confidentiality, right?ā and Daedalus is like āIām not your doctor, so noā and sheās like āwell, Iām your Queen, so how about you say āyesā instead and I tell you what I want?ā and Daedalus is like āmy lips are sealed, tell me what you needā and sheās all āwell, thereās this really rad guy and I totally want to just lay him down and lick chocolate sauce off his body, but thereās a hitch in my planā and Daedalus says āyeah, youāre marriedā and PasiphaĆ« says āyes, and also heās a bullā and Daedalus is like ādo you mean heās well hung orā and PasiphaĆ« is like ālook man you gotta help me on this, I need me some sweet bullocking and only you can help meā and Daedalus says āIāll do what I can, but I hope you have a damn good shower at your palace because I may need to use it for about 6 weeks afterwardsā and sheās like ādone, now get over here and get me someā
So Daedalus turns up and helps her, and in the blink of an eye, heās built her this monstrous wooden cow suit. Now, the myth is not exactly clear on the mechanics of this bovine sex toy, but itās established that PasiphaĆ« gets into the cow suit and goes to find her bullock beau and they make sweet, sweet cattle love all day and all night. I do not know how she manoeuvres herself inside this wooden furry abomination and frankly I do not want to know, but whatever she does is 100% successful because 9 months later she gives birth to another furry abomination. The good news is that heās a healthy, bouncing baby boy. The bad news is that he is half baby and half bull and also he has this really annoying habit that most newborns donāt have of eating people, which means that Minos is the definition of Not Impressed with his new stepson, so he does what any sane human would do in this situation, and he calls Daedalus.Ā
Daedalus says āIām in the shower, what do you want?ā and Minos is like ālook, my wife has committed a slight indiscretion and I need you to take care of the resultā and Daedalus is like āshe fucked a bull and sheās had a grotesque hybrid baby, hasnāt sheā and Minos narrows his eyes and says āhow do you know?ā and Daedalus says ājust a stab in the dark, mate, I had no hand in this at all, literally none, just let me wash my hands a minute and Iāll be right backā and Minos is like ājust build something to trap that devil spawn, because itās started to eat my servants and I never even wanted a stepson anyway, itās just one more claim to the throne isnāt itā and Daedalus is like ādude, give me a week and itāll be doneā
and so Daedalus constructs this impenetrable labyrinth thatās so impregnable that Daedalus nearly gets lost on the way out, and they lob the minotaur tot right into the middle of it, and thatās that.
Except then the minotaur starts demanding the sacrifice of seven young men every year, who are tossed into the labyrinth and forced to play a fatal game of cat and mouse with a grotesque superpowered man-bull creature that will ultimately devour them, flesh from bone, at the heart of a labyrinth that only he can navigate,Ā but thatās a story for another myth. Or The Maze, starring Dylan OāBrien, out in a multiplex near you.
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