hot hot egg

Tony Abbott doesn’t want Macklemore to perform his hit song “Same Love” at the NRL Grand Final.

“Politics should stay out of sports, that’s why I want to use my influence as a former Prime Minister to silence people with different views from me performing at sports games,” said Abbott clearly not understanding the irony.

“Just get a rapper that doesn’t say anything political like…. uh…. hmm… mmm.. uhh” He mumbled. Those listening were unsure if this meant he was unable to think of one or if that was his classic habit of running out of words but exercising his mouth in case his lips grew stale and stiff.

Tony Abbott has said that religious freedoms are under threat despite Attorney General George Brandis calling it a “trick.”

“The gays are trying to take away our rights!” Abbott wailed.

“What rights? Tell me what specifically are you afraid of so I can debunk it for you,” replied an agitated Brandis.

“Oh, like this…” Abbott reached behind Brandis’ ear and retrieved a tiny dollar coin sized bible.

“That’s… that’s not a counter argument. You basically retrieved something so small as to be useless. No one can read that.”

“Here watch,” Abbott held up a glass of water. “Watch as I MAGICALLY CAN CONTINUE TALKING WHILE DRINKING THIS WATER!” He then started slowly sipping from it and suddenly a sound came from below. Brandis realised, horrifically, that Tony Abbott’s asshole had started to speak.

“Marriage is the foundation of society and changing the definition of it will have dangerous ramifications” said Tony Abbott’s asshole.

“Please dear God stop, stop now. This is horrifying.”

“Just one more trick - I’m about to pull an anti-equality bunny rabbit out of my-”

- we all refer to the prime minister by their first name. we know them well, and they know us. all of us.

- there’s a man on the street corner who never leaves. “just waiting for a mate,” he says. you realise he is on every corner, of every street.

- you are swooped by a magpie in the same place, at the same time, every single day. “it’s swooping season!” says your neighbour. it has always been swooping season.

- sometimes you hear a woman whispering late at night - or early in the morning. “rage” she hisses. “rage”.