arttopia

Oh my,  My    My world.

Isn’t it beautiful         that I can see that table.

That red table. tables.

So nice the table is there.

Isn’t it nice to feel.

nice to feel this.

Oh Thank you thank you for having me here.

Here in this beautifully messed up world.

This beautiful world filled with me, and you, and the hopes, and the dreams, and the failures, and the expectations, so many so many tears and the fears, oh don’t we laugh so well, we are the funniest bunch of all.

Thank you, The past.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, the cheap wine. Thank the 2013 wine industry of California, hooray the corner store. Thank you for carrying that cheap wine made in California approximately 732.529 days ago. Thank all the mankind for all the creations and discoveries, and to you all the bacterias that made all this possible.

Please laugh at my pain, please please look down upon my agony, as I will to yours.

I am that wine bottle.

I am that table.

I am you.

and did you know when you die, I die with you.

and when I die so will you.

Oh I just love that is how it works.

Bitch says that you must give up the idea of happiness.

Bitch says that’s how you reach that bitch.

Bitch says do not pretend to love.

Oh bitch and I do not dare to deny one either.

Please make less assumptions of me than I will of you.

God Damn I Can Not Take ANYTHING seriously.

do not blame me,

do not judge me,

do not look at me,

please do not listen to me.

  This is the first paragraph of my manifesto.

The world overwhelms me with its beauty and its ugly. Ideal is never here as Utopia is no longer Utopia when it’s here and now. Destine to live in our skull-sized kingdoms*, the only world we can change is within us.

  Every living being on this Earth, the only thing I can really comprehend, share something; the sunlight, the air, the water, the gravity, and our physical body. The venerability of being should be not shamed to be pitied, should not be shamed to be praised.

  The only way to be happy - maybe not the only way- to be truly be happy and content is to think hard what is the ‘the Ideal’ in the world we live in our head and to thrive to reach it. That is you are most true to yourself, most content.  At least it is for me.

  The only thing I can believe exist here is now. What is around me as every second passes by, and in the effort to enjoy being alive is to enjoy the wind around you, the sound, and being, being an interdependent being. And we must try to understand the being of others, although it is impossible, almost.

  We only know the things that we have experienced in first hand, although as intellectual or whatever special being the man kind is, we are supposed to imagine and second-experience things. But more you experience for yourself, more you will be close to understand the others; the others as bodies, the beings out side of your own; weather it’s plant, a mammal, or an insect. Because we all live in this much underestimated interdependent world.

  Everything we are must be equal, the tree must know something that I don’t know, and for that I must have the respect. And to be respected, I must be true to myself always.

  The whole world is not that complicated. Imagining a dinner that is cook together of five people, sharing the equal responsibilities, it is not so different in anything. If one person denies their responsibility, other four takes on that much. It is never ideal. However in acknowledging the ideal, I think that much we are close to the ideal. And as much as we are in tune with what is given right now and here, that much we are close to the utopia. I believe in the body, the physical, the physics, the biology… I’m drunk and rambling now, that was…(Recording ends) 

  Thinking about being vs. Being

Do you know the famous story of Saint Wonhyo? The guy who hid into a cave from a heavy weather and had a epidemic discovery the next morning. The refreshing gulp of spring water he had in a dark cave turned out to be a dirty water deposit in a human skull and the cozy cave that he found in the pouring night was a grave. Verbal explanation of the reality is only in the thoughts, while the physical reality is being. 

For instance, dancing for entertainment, the goal is to somehow unplug the thoughts in your brain and really listen to what is happening and respond to the music using body. Difficulties stand up in this business of ‘unplugging’ thoughts.

One of which is the fear of others judging; the fear of people looking at my imperfect body, and being proper, acceptable. Strange thing, of what I’ve seen, people are easily confident about moral values and beliefs, ‘my soul is good’ or ‘I am smart’ but often are more critical about the tangible things, especially body.

This kind of worry takes a lot of effort to be carried. Judging involves many activities, thinking of yourself in the third perspective while thinking of all the reasons of what stands in between ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ that we were educated thorough family, school, and media. Dancing requires listening the beat, the melody, and the harmony of all the different sound and interoperating it through movement. These are two very complicated tasks that are hard to do at the same time. Not only judging and worrying create fear of performance but also physically makes dancing difficult.

The breeze is mild and the sun is warm. My heart is beating faster, it just might be the coco I drank. My laptop sits on my lap! The sunlight is slowly pushing the shadow, it's coming towards me. I quietly anticipate. The cigaret makes triangle between my mouth to the ashtray than back to the left side of the computer. 

Now I think about what's the most important thing. Actually, I already made up my mind about the answer. The answer is 'now'. Buddha said so, even Tolstoy, and million others whose reasons I agree with. 

If so, then why am I bothered by something that happened yesterday? Now is beautiful, but something that is not here keeps bugging me. A neurologist would tell me that I am feeling uncomfortable because I ate late last night and had too much sugar earlier, now my neurons are writing a fiction and blaming it on something else. Maybe. 

It's the people that is the hardest. it's the relationships that are the most brutal. It's me, the things I want that torture me. 

People who are hurt and scared hurt others in order to prevent them getting too close. I've done it too. In fact, I do it all the time, intentionally but often not. Bad hobbit built around my fragile mind. While I was in the moment yesterday, the one who I was sharing the moment with, must have been somewhere else, must have been wondering what kind of person I am, maybe was thinking about why I was there, or even sizing up the things I want. He pulled me out of the moment. 

The other day, I was going back home from an exhausting obligation, and passed by the door where the music was flowing. I look inside and people were dancing in unison. I asked to go inside to watch. They were dancing tango. All the different ages and sizes of men and women were dancing in pairs and it was such a grace. Everyone was gliding on water in the dimly lit room surrounded by the mirrored images of themselves. I forgot my stress, I was only fascinated.

I went to the beginner's tango lesson tonight. First day happens to everyone.

So the things I learned about tango.

When two are dancing: man leads and woman follows, the man should not push her around, he simply gives her directions through his hand on her back, the woman has to feel the man's signs to know where he is trying to go, the woman should not lean on the man nor pull him, while following, the woman's weight is on her foot and have the other foot off the ground until she is sure of the man's intentions and this makes her light for him to lead, keep the core strong, when the man turns the woman around him, and he is in a difficult position, the woman will help the man to get back to his position by turning at the same time, it is 50:50 effort to make the dance graceful, the communication bases on breathing together. 

Is it just me? or does this sound like the rules applies to something else also?

I was bad at it of course, I couldn't even pretend to be graceful. I couldn't keep my steps straight while trying to figure out what my partner was trying to do. I couldn't keep my steps straight without the partner. 

Well, it was only a first day. You are bad at first but you learn and get better, right? You just have to be patient with yourself. Breath, relax, practice your steps, and listen to the music. 

I try not to live as if I am going to disappear tomorrow, but the truth is that I don't know where I will be around this time next year. The place I am used to, I won't be here for too long. It's been like this. The longest I lived anywhere was for five years. Besides that I never lived anywhere longer than two, three years. I went to six different elementary schools. When I was 8 or so, I thought everyone moved every year by the law. I wondered why I don't see people moving as much as my own.

This life style made me be protective of my feelings. I learned in an early age, your best friends will stop writing to you after few month, and it won't make you too sad. I don't remember my childhood friends' names or faces too well, or I don't need to. 

As I get older I find myself as a person who takes really long time to open up. I am good at adjusting in new places and I can even appear to be very social. My extroverted side comes form me knowing that everything happening is only temporary. 

It is bringing me a severe loneliness. At times, when my mind is unoccupied, I feel the void under my feet, there is nothing around me to grab onto. I am falling. 

Sometimes, I meet people I like. More I enjoy their company, sadder it makes me, that I can't keep them around me, that it won't last. I can't keep the chair I really like; I simply can't have it forever and move around with it, so I won't sit on it from the first place. I was in love with a merchant marine once, I think back, I think about the time he told me that no matter where I will be, he will be there, just not all the time. Deal! I thought, but even that wasn't a good enough compromise. 

Fortunately, I have a purpose in life. It keeps me going. 

2014.