history of the entire world starters
snippets from bill wurtz’ history of the entire world. feel free to add to this, amend and generally do what the heck you like with these man :^)
“You’re on a rock, floating in space. Pretty cool, huh?”
“I can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat.”
“Like I said, it didn’t happen.”
“Nothing was ever anywhere.”
“Forget this, I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something.”
“I want things to change.”
“I want to invent time and space, and I know it’s possible, because everything is here.”
“Try to stick together, because the world is going to get bigger, and emptier.”
“Some stars burn out and die; bigger stars burn out and die with PASSION!”
“Holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.”
“Weather update; cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.”
“Something’s alive in the ocean.”
“Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?”
“Wow, that’s animals and stuff.”
“THE SUN IS A DEADLY LAZER.”
“And there’s no food yet, so I don’t care.”
“Oh fuck, now everything’s dead.”
“Yeah it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time.”
“That’s a human person, and now they’re everywhere.”
“Fuck it, time to plant some grass.”
“Now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.”
“Coming soon to a dank river valley near you.”
“Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?”
“I don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it.”
“They wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff.”
“You can make a religion out of this!”
“Oops, China just broke.”
“It was a great idea—he was great, but now he’s dead.”
“Will you get the hell out of here if I give you 500 elephants?”
“Hell yeah! Now we’ve got business.”
“Is loving Jesus legal yet?”
“Your gods are all fake.”
“You can make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.”
“Wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?”
“I always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.”
“Is it Tonga time? I think it’s Tonga time.”
“Look at this Chad—that means lake.”
“So you think you can conquer the Byzantine Empire?”
“Hey Christians, do you sin?”
“That’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam.”
“Fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why.”
“Nope, but at least there’s beaver.”
“Why didn’t we think of this before?”
“_________ lives in Zanzibar now, that’s just where s/he lives.”
“Well, blame something on them and go to war!”
“Look at those guns, it’s gonna be a great war.”
“Except Turkey, Turkey makes a brand new Turkey.”
“Let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace.”
“I’ll race you to space!”
“Some people have no friends, some people have no food.”
“The globe is warming and the ocean is full of plastic.”
“By the way, where the hell are we?”