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Evil Angel - Breaking Benjamin

Shadow // ♟️ // He/they // Adult // Nonbinary Aroace Aplatonic // In-system sex worker // Fallen angelkin // Luciferian

Merlot // 🍒 // They/he // Adult // Nonbinary // Alienkin

A while back I had a very, VERY brief fling with a headmate that has very grandiose ideas about Xemself. We played around with a god/worshipper dynamic literally once. And outside of that we almost never interact. I don't think we ever even talked about the roleplay, it just kind of... started.

At the time, I think it was something I did for my own pleasure - and while I almost always do get pleasure out of my work as a sexual alter, I didn't do it out of a desire to help my headmate in this case. I was feeling listless, I think, looking for something to be my everything, even if just for a little while. It was mutually beneficial, even if I cringe reading back the roleplay today.

And now, it's like. Okay, I know I'm fallen, I know I'm an angel. How much of this was related to that? And I don't know. It feels like it should be connected, but I don't think it is? As a fallen angel I do not desire to worship, I do not desire to return to a state of "holiness", of mindlessness, even if it's pleasurable. I DO desire those things, but those feelings are far, far closer to my alien identity, which is an extremely sexual aspect of myself. My alien identity is something I percieve as biological (in headspace and my memories), something that influences my hormone cycle and uncontrollable physical responses. Most significantly, it influences my deeper desires to lose myself in "something greater" - hiveminds and mind control, namely. Typical elements of normative sexuality for my species. Instinct.

And generally, when submission is the desire that rises up in me, I find it's connected to that alien identity, these concepts of what my body is "for", what I was "meant for". I don't carry these ideas around all the time, thankfully - they're a very sexual thing.

I experience a more neutral sexual feeling when I do my work for my headmates. I'm often attracted to them and get plenty of pleasure from it - oftentimes getting "lost" in the moment. Sometimes I feel more dominant in these situations, especially when compared to my alien-influenced sexuality. But it's usually quite neutral. I tend to top because that's what my partners enjoy, but I'm not opposed to bottoming at all if that's what they desire.

It just creates this fascinating split between what feels like my two sexualities - the "Black Arms" me and the "system sex worker" me. Now that I think about it, that definitely contributed to Merlot's splitting.

I would wake up in the night, in pain. Uncomfortable in my skin, in my place. I remember feeling my body shift, eyes growing, limbs changing. My wings bursting from me - very painful. I remember also experiencing alien instincts, having strong desires, familiar and unfamiliar.