I think that I think a lot. My thinking has definitely gotten better throughout the years, but they are still hella active. Iāve never been able to keep up with a journal. The most therapeutic method for me I think is to just tell people. However, I often find it difficult to open up in the first place.
Tbh a few minutes ago I was on my eighth paragraph on this post I wanted to write about on what a best friend means, and then I deleted all of it and Iāll try rewriting it now. Iām not too sure I have any or that I know how to properly use the term. All I know right now is that I am aware that people have certain people in their lives that know every single detail about them. AND I AM JEALOUS. Idk why but I havenāt connected with anyone in my life to that point. As much as I want to. And like Iām not sure if Iām even supposed to have a person like that in my life. But it has truly bothered me for as long as I can remember.
There are things that no one knows about me, that people should know, but donāt. Not even family. Which is scary. But I also need to make that connection first. And it haunts me everyday that I havenāt found that connection. Some days less than others, but I guess todayās one of those days.
That does not mean I donāt love people though. I love people. I make it a conscious effort every time I meet someone new that I am genuine, that I am listening, that they are comfortable with me.Ā
I also donāt want people to think Iām clingy or needy. Which is why I make sure thereās plenty of distance and casualness to our conversations. But I guess this turns out to people just walking away in the end. *shrugs* I guess I was traumatized in the past because I tried being āgenuineā a little too much to someone I thought was aĀ ābest friendā and then that person ended up telling everyone that I was annoying behind my back. *shrugs some more*
But people often forget that a person can be introverted. As I am. Oftentimes I get anxiety when I talk to people. I try my best not to show it. But sometimes my insecurities overwhelm me and it would show outwardly as me being extremely awkward or bitchy. I love people. I want to experience what it means to be human who loves another human. I want to feel every possible emotion known throughout mankind and our history of being on Earth. We are all people, of different colors and shapes and sizes and different speaking systems and religions but we are all capable of loving. Why is that? Why canāt I feel that? Will I ever feel that?
And there goes my rambling again.