Dream on, Dreamer.

Life can sometimes seem so fast talaga and minsan it can be reaaaally slow. Di ako makapaniwala na tapos nanaman ang isang taon. I don’t have anything in mind to say kaya kung ano nalang maisulat ko ang ilalagay ko dito.

What I felt about 2022, naubos talaga ako. I’m the type of person na (I feel), always composed pero earlier palang ng 2022, naputol na ang tiyaga ko. Ayaw ko na sana maalala nangyare pero kasi ang path to peace is being okay what happened in the past. So ayun, binantaan papatayin ng sarili kong Nanay ang empleyado namin dahil sa wrong information na nakuha niya sa chismis. Imagine that? It excruciatingly painful yun para sakin. Of course that eventually led sa decision ng Papa ko na umalis nanaman na bahay. At ako eventually also decided to leave ng bahay. Umalis nako ng bahay noon kasi I felt kailangan ko na isave ang pangarap ko maging CPA. While I was in Baguio and stayed there for 4 months, nagreflect ako mabuti as to where I want to go and want to do. Completely lost na kasi ako talaga at that time. Akala ko makakapag review na ako mabuti pero kailangan ko narin harapin yung possibility na this could be really over for me sa journey ko sa pagiging CPA. Before 2022 ko pa naramdaman na parang I’m done already pero tinry ko parin iworkout. So nagdasal talaga ako na mabigyan ako ng direction and dream ulit. After continuous na prayer at reflection, I decided na mag abroad. Most of the year, eto yung inasikaso ko at ginawa ko talaga best ko para malakad mga papers ko. Asang-asa na rin ako makaalis by December sana kaso maaga ko rin nalaman na delayed ang alis dahil sa gipit na ang deadline ng school. I was kind of dismayed. Bakit ganun? Sobra nako nag suffer pero wala parin. Pero delay lang naman so there’s HOPE parin naman.

What also disappoints me yung how manipulative ang Papa. I thought he was very supportive para makapag abroad ako pero sinuportahan lang ako para sa kanyand devious plan para ‘mabuo’ ang family namin. Gets ko naman pero the more he force us to be united again, the more lang na nasisira. Nakakainis yung pa-victim type of attitude and all that. Disappointed talaga ako sa parents ko in general. Kahit na financially nila ako sinuportahan sa lahat hanggang sa pag aabroad ko, disappointed ako in a sense na after all these years na nag aaway sila, sakanila parin centered ang problema. What I mean is that, after all these years nga, ano pa ba ang importante, sino manalo sa conflict na ginawa nila or ang well-being ng family namin? Well, lo and behold, gusto parin nila manalo yung sarili nila sa conflict. Kaya I don’t believe we are way near of fixing this. Samahan mo pa ng pakialamera(ro) na kamag anak. I feel they destroyed my joy ko sa learning. So much pain talaga.

May mga time na bago ako matulog, napapaiyak nalang ako kasi ang gulo-gulo ng buhay ko. Sometimes I ask, will I still make sense of this? With all these being said, I acknowledge naman na I am not alone. Lahat ng tao nag struggle ngayon taon. Suffering per se is relative. Ang pinaka challenge talaga dito, how do you keep the faith in God? How do you still keep your values in tact amidst all the suffering? Kinakabahan din ako. Ayaw ko rin naman igive up mga values ko para lang makuha ko gusto ko. I guess, 2022 is still not my time. Not my chance. Not my biggest break. 2023? I’d like to believe na maybe eto na pero I also want to make a decision every single day to decide what’s best for me and let go of the things na kailangan at hindi naman importante.

Prayer

I don’t know how to start this ‘2021: Year in review:’, but maybe I’ll start nalang with how I started the year. I started with all the joy and hope na makakagraduate na ako. And I did through God’s Grace. Ang goal ko pa nga ay ittry ko maging consistent as possible pero ayun di naman din nangyari dahil sa mga ibang bagay. Marami-rami parin ups and down netong 2021. Of course andun na yung passing away ng mga kabatch mo nung HS at College, tapos mga ilan-ilan sa relatives naman; May they rest in peace.

Nung nalaman kong makakagraduate nako, syempre I was extremely happy kasi ilang taon ko talaga pinaghirapan yun. But I felt unfulfilled parin. Kasama narin dun nung hindi nag attend ng both of my parents sa virtual graduation ko and I also felt my friends are not happy for me etc. Ewan.

What makes me even more sad is that, I feel that my dream of becoming accountant is not as important anymore. It speaks a lot sa efforts ko na lately. Madalas, there’s no more joy in my heart. Well, generally kasi dati, kahit di ako masaya sa pag aaral, kaya ko pa mag aral talaga pero lately talaga, wala na eh. But I’m praying na magkaroon pa ako ng joy, will power, humility at confidence para ipursue. Not just for my career anymore pero para sa mga future students narin.

About sa family ko naman, wala eh, tinatanggap ko nalang talaga bawat decision nila na mag kanya-kanya. Matatanda na kami so, alam naman na siguro ano tama at mali. So much disappointment kasi nung after namin magka covid sa bahay. Parang after nun, it’s not as important parin ang safety ng lahat. So, as selfish at it may sound pero, I am more focused on my future nalang.

Last topic naman, about kay Pot-pot, all year talaga I was wondering if I’d still able to see her pero God made it happen talaga. Well, to be honest, I’m not as super happy nung kasama na namin siya pero nung ininform ako prior that day, sobra talaga excitement ko pero di pa ako naniniwala hangga’t di ko nakikita nang harap-harapan. Pero ayun, December 19, 2021. Exactly a year after namin first time nagkita. DAMN. May konting feeling ako nun na parang ‘living in a dream’, Grabe talaga nagagawa ng prayers. She’s not supposed to spend time kasama kami pero she chose to. Wala ako masyado masabi at that time kasi sinusulit ko talaga time na kasama ko siya. Ganda parin niya. Fast forward to December 30, tinignan ko chat box namin, shet, inalis na niya pagkakaignore message niya sakin. HOW?! Di ko alam ano na dahilan niya pero konting-konti nalang, makakausap ko na siya ulit. Kasi ang question ko nung after magkita, ‘what’s next na?’. Nasa sakanya na yun kung ioopen na niya yung gate of opportunity hehehe. Pero pinagdadasal ko talaga na, that I may become the man that she deserves; not what I deserve. Ang maganda na sa 2nd meeting namin, humupa na yung idealistic qualities niya sakin. Para sakin maganda narin. What I can do na siguro ngayon is to pray more; for understanding lalo na kapag magrereject ng tuluyan at humiliity naman kapag nabigyan ng chance.

Prayer

//ACADS

Pag iniisip ko yung 2020, I feel like wala ako ganung na-accomplish parin with regards sa acads. Failure after failure parin. First take ng AudProbs, failed. Second take, failed. Third take, failed. Almost failed pa sa AudTheo. Nagprepare nako niyan during ECQ pero I still failed. Sometimes I think, am I really going to be good enough for this? Pero constant ko lang reminder ko sa sarili ko na nagrerebuild parin ako. I just have to keep going every single failure tapos going all over again. May time sa quiz ko during 2nd take ko ng AudProbs, I literally cried about it kasi it was frustrating already. Yung 3rd take during integration, masaya ako ng sobra kasi midterms palang 2.28 ako pero na-short sa finals due to lack of preparation. It was disappointing syempre pero kailangan ko lang agad ilagay sa sarili ko to prepare again. Pero despite all the failures that I had, thankful ako sa mga naging friends ko along the way dahil very supportive sa pagsasagot ng mga questions ko sa acads. Sobra dami shortcomings ko talaga at inadequacies ko pa. Iniisip ko kung aabot ba ako sa elite level. Pero kahit na sobrang down pag dating sa acads, we’re not out yet kasi we were given the chance parin. And that’s the greatest blessing parin na ibinigay ni God. Kahit nga yung inc na yun, di ko deserve pero ibinigay. What I can do now is to review better, prepare more, practice more, at pray pa more.

//FAMILY

We’re still here. That’s all I can say. We’re still here. Like I told sa parents ko, no matter what happens, I want to be part of this family and I want to be proud to be a part of it. I want them also to make them very proud.

//FRIENDS

Akala ko talaga mawawalan nako ng maraming kaibigan. For example si Pearl, akala ko talaga friendship over na kami pero pinaprank lang pala niya ako haha. Isa kasi siya sa mga importanteng close friend ko kasama si na Cha. Kaya nung lumbas kami, yung happiness at joy na naramdaman ko, as in overflowing. May bonus pa nga eh, nakasama namin si Pot-pot. Naku grabe ang ganda niya. Sobrang fun ng personality. Akala ko di siya maging comfortable kasi andun ako at feeling ko disgusted siya sakin pero tingin ko naman hindi. Nagka crush nga ako sakanya eh hehe! Anyway, nung lumabas na kami nila Niks, Abi, Lianne at Justine tas follow-up pa nung nagsamgyup sa bahay kami nila Justine at Patdu, feeling ko nakumpleto ko bakasyon kasi sobra saya din ng time na na-spend ko sakanila.

PRAYER

Lord, I may not fulfilled a lot this year personally pero po, hindi ko lang po siguro nirereflect pa ng mabuti ang lahat ng mga blessings at favors ko nareceive ko po. Isa po sa mga naalala ko na po ngayon is yung nadagdagan po kami ng family member na si Dylan. Thank you po for bringing him to us. Thank you po for getting us through sa paulit-ulit po na adversities. Marami parin po pagkukulang pero po Lord, help us to make to you by reaching out to help other people. Sana po, kahit po paano, yung pagvolunteer ko po sa make sense, ay nakatulong po ako. Naiisip ko parin po mga tao na nagsstruggle every day at I pray for them po Lord na sana po bigyan niyo po sila lagi ng hope. Lord, kinakabahan na rin po ako dahil palapit na po yung pagtake ko po ng CPALE. Ang damiiiiiiii-dami ko parin pong inadequacies. Humihingi narin po ako tulong na sana, to find ways on how I could help myself get better and better.

Lord, sana rin po, help us as a family na regardless of what amount of money or achievement ang makuha po namin, sana help us to keep that sense of humility.

In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen! Mama Mary, pray for us! St. Joseph, pray for us!

St. Ezekiel Moreno, St. Francis of Assisi, pray for us!

‘Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened. Do not be dismayed. For the Lord your God goes with you wherever you go’ (Joshua 1:9)

That’s the verse of my year. Ang dami-dami ko parin failures; hindi lang acads, pati family and friends and other people. I still struggled to focus on the things that’s really important. Pero I still thank the Lord for all the absurdity, adversities, worries, and challenges kasi it helped me grow my relationship with God and Jesus, with my family, best friends, and other people. Continually failing in life just indicates that I still a lot to learn and to improve on. I was again went to the point na, ‘quit na ba sa journey na’to?’, kasi sobrang overwhelming na nang mga problema that time. Up to the point na burned out nako. Di nako maka effort at makaisip ng game plan sa acads. Pero that’s part of this journey na kailangan ko daanan. I’ve learn to organize mga bagay bagay. Breaking down problems into two parts; controllable and non-controllable. In that way, I’ll gain more clarity on the things that needs to focus on. Sabi sakin ni Father Orchie, instead na tinatry ko kontrolin ang problema sa family at dictating my parents on what they should be doing, hayaan ko nalang sila kasi kusa din naman hihinto yan. Kung hindi kay Father Orchie, I would not gain such wisdom. I was hesitant na lumapit pa noon sakanya kasi I thought I could fix our family problems with all the wisdom I know pero apparently, non of it worked out. Halos all year long ang family problem namin. I tried to make myself busy and happy. I did naman lalo na andiyan lagi mga supportive kong best friends na si na Abi, Nikkiemar, at Jade. I felt very blessed na andiyan sila lagi para sakin although I feel like I can’t do the same for them. At kay Kate narin. Even though wala na talaga, I’m thankful kasi I’m always happy and inspired kapag kausap ko siya sa text.

I’ve also learned na, how important it is to be with my family at kung ano talaga ang isang family. Dati I always wonder bakit wala akong girlfriend. I always Pray to have it pero never ko man pinagdasal fervently ang family ko. Pero during the times na kumakain ako mag isa ng dinner, I’ve realized how important they are to me. Kailan lang pero may shooting star, ang pinaka wish ko lang is that my family to be happy again. Bring us back together again. At yun din pinagppray ko every day. Mag grow relationship namin. Sabi ko nalang kay Lord, di na importante ang girlfriend sakin ngayon, I just want to be happy with my family, happy with my dream, and my best friends. Girlfriend? Well, sabi nila darating din yan. Of course, ‘di naman yan kusa darating. I have to find and decide parin with guidance of God. I just can’t prioritize ngayon at I just want to be with my family and best friends and spending time to hone pa yung craft ko.

Prayer

Tough year. A lot of opportunities missed. Time wasted. Energy wasted. Money wasted. Once again, I was drowned. Hindi lang minsan sa overwhelming sadness lalo na sa other’s opinion. I let them won. Negative thoughts won. Marami pa yung moments na unhappy. Just like that. Dun ko na-focus ang taon ko. Lalo na yung “looking for that someone”. Dun ako na-drain. Nahirapan ako nag move-on kay Jean. Tas sunod pa na nawala Uncle Eddie at Untie Cora. May God always Bless the and may they truly rest in peace.

I know when it started. Yung sadness. Start palang ng year 2017, dun na. Devastated ako sa pagka busted ko kay Jean. Akala ko talaga siya na. Although sobrang ikli lang ng pag uusap namin tsaka time na we’re together, I knew that time na siya na yung hinahanap ko. Nung nag date (?) or should I say,  nag hang out kami the first time sa Simbahan, dun ko naramdaman na siya na talaga. For real. Pero sa pag mamadali ko, nasira ko yung nag uumpisang bond namin. Wala ganun nalang nawala. Nag umpisa nanaman ako malungkot. Super akong nanghihinayang na nabbwisit na naiinis. Nakakalungkot siya talaga para sakin. I tried to distract myself pero minsan nakikita ko parin siya sa Simbahan mostly may kasamang iba. Manliligaw niya ata yun. Nakakalimutan ko na talaga eh. Kaso minsan ang pagkakataon, she just kept on reminding me. Escape ko na ngalang ang work place para di siya ispin pero may makikita kang bagong hire na kamukha niya pati body movement. Ewan. Kinda messed up. Ayoko na masyado i-elaborate ang nangyari sa work life ko. So ganun nalang na-spend ang year ko. 

On the brighter side, again, it not all that bad as it seems though. Mas marami parin ang moments na masaya at fulfilling. Nalaman ko na where, when and to whom ko nalang iispend ang Time, Energy at Money ko. Dami parin learnings along the way. This year, wala akong naiisip na resolutions. Not really hyped up. Di rin naman too down. Sakto lang. Na I think dapat lang? Di nako masyado nag eexpect. I’m just gonna put the right amount of work. Practice consistency. Be more aggressive. Take a lot more challenge. Accept challenges. So 2018, although minsan, may magical side ang buhay, it’s not an excuse not to put the work. 3 months nalang ako sa IWS. Masaya na malungkot at the same time. Di ko rin expect na ippursue ko parin pala ang pagging CPA. I know di magiging madali ang pagiging student ulit pero, I am a lot more ready and different now. I’m ready to grab this by throat. Mag 3 years narin palang yung Tinnitus ko. And every single day is a Miracle for me. I never thought na I’d go this far. Iba talaga nagagawa ng Faith.

God, Lord Jesus, Mother Mary, Thank you once again for another year. Although para sakin po parang ang hirap, thank you po for Blessing me with resilience and Faith. To the last minute at to the last second po ng year 2017, thank you for Blessing us as always. Thank you po for helping to love and accept and to get to know more of myself. Although long journey pa po ang to fully accept and love yung sarili, sana po tulungan niyo ako na iienjoy ang process with great attitude. Sorry po kasi nag tampo po ako sainyo dahil lang sa nabusted po ako kay Jean. Yung babae na para sakin po, darating din po yan. If not this year, it’s okay. I know gusto niyo po ako mag focus on what matters now. Darating din po yan on your perfect time. Again po, everything takes time. Lord, Thank you po ulit! I’m just gonna keep my head high this year filled with positivity and inner peace. God, Lord Jesus, Mother Mary, you are my true inspiration. Thank you for the purpose! Thank you for the Miracles everyday! Thank you for the Grace!

Ang bilis ng 2016 grabe! Wala ko maisip na sabihin dito talaga. Yesterday ko pa gusto magwrite ng dito sa blog ko pero I’m out of words talaga. Anyway suuuper thankful ako sa 2016 kasi it was a year filled with a lot of challenges (work related challenges hehe). 2016 was super saya kasi guess what?! WOOOOOH may work nakoooo hehehe. YASSSSS!! Finally!! 6 months akong probationary so, I had to really really work hard to be a Regular employee. So dito ko talaga nahanap ang meaning ng late nights, early mornings. Grabe sobrang hirap. As in Grind talaga. I knew it’s not gonna be easy, pero I feel so Blessed kasi God and Lord Jesus helped me to have that mentality na to just work with faith. Work and be fueled by faith. And I kept that mentality every single day and yes!!! Na-regular ako!!!! Sa sobrang saya ko nga nung na-regular ako, umiyak ako sa harap ng Boss ko at mga Office mates ko. Napaiyak ako kasi, so much work, sacrifice, and time ang ininvest ko. Kahit malaking risk para sa health ng ears ko ang stress, I did it anyway. Kahit mejo sumumpong siya during work. Pero okay lang. Hindi lang ang pagkakaroon ng trabaho ang tinarget ko, kundi magkaroon ng positive attitude kahit in progress pa. Patience ang naging test ko sa 2016. As in sobra sa patience. Although meron mga times na nawalan due to attitude problems. Pero thankfully God always make a way to remind me to be patient and trust the process. Sobra dami ko natutunan sa 2016. Real deal talaga ang 2016. Mas nakilala ko pa sarili ko along the way. Proud to say din ako na, finally, nagkakaroon nako ng courage at confidence na makipag date sa girls(One at a time syempre. Di naman ako gwapo para gawing marami pero being gwapo is not a privilege). Hindi rin siya naging madali kasi, di ko talaga ginawa ang makipag date. But it was fun though. Kahit na-heart broken pa (na naglead sa pagpapakalbo haha). I always ask myself bakit yung iba, nagiging matandang binata or dalaga, and 2016 ko rin nasagot na, it’s their choice to be like that. Di ko alam kung tama yung term ko na, “Failed” though pero siguro choice nilang wag mahanap or even try. Or dahil mataas ang standards or whatsoever. Pero I think, choice lang ang lahat. Destiny? Di ko na alam. Napaniwala ko sarili ko na I was destined for this girl pero fuck. Naging tanga ako for 8 whole years haha. I waited for her for 8 years pero wala nangyari kasi wala naman akong ginawa. Parang hinayaan ko lang ang destiny which is stupid haha. But anyway, masaya nako na I finally let her go. Kala ko madali pero mahirap din. Pero I felt freed (di ko alam bakit). So sa ngayon, I’ll just keep on trying and finding that girl. And takes a lot of patience din yun. Naniniwala akong mahahanap ko siya, di ko alam kailan pero I. WILL. FIND. HER. 

So all in all, 2016 wasn’t all that bad for me though. I gained a lot. I learned a lot. I Loved a ton. I had so much fun. Even though (for Society) di ganun naging maganda, I’m looking forward this 2017 na to be more fun! So isa sa mga target ko this year is maging Certified Accounting Technician! YES, CAT!!! Challenging ‘to pero I can do it! I can do all things through Christ!!! Naniniwala ako na kayo ko ipasa ang Level 2 at Level 3!!! New year, New hope, New opportunities pero same goal!