Unfit To ****

that he is unwell.

the one i raised, then had to leave.

i call you to tell you

that i am afraid.

crying outside on my knees.

you say, "it's out of the blue

he was fine, just quiet.

just like you."

i think, "have i done this?

cursed a child to suffer

as i did?"

i pray, things are different.

in my heart i'm aware

that it won't be.

i just worry, he'll succeed

where i failed

with pills, with rope, with trains, when he bleeds.

i love you

It's my 10 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

abandoned

when laying our souls bare.

when listening to our hearts,

not our minds,

not our guts.

does she know what is right for us

or is she guessing?

unsure of our needs,

only desires,

only yearning.

and, i suppose, the test is in who you choose.

a mind who follows logic,

a gut who follows instinct,

a heart who follows love.

a soul who knows pain.

who gives the clearest warning?

eighteen.

sirens, shouting, serial clusters

or are they replacements

for the nature i covet?

songbirds, sonnets, streams of clear water

is it the chaos i crave

to overshadow my mind,

or the silence i seek

to calm my distress?

i lay unsure

of where i belong

i stand uncertain

of where i wish to be

i think, still,

that it is my body

i must find a home in.

a shake in the night,

from your leg or mine?

intertwined,

minds and limbs and anxieties alike.

a kiss follows four,

so gentle and bright.

introduced,

breaths and dreams, futures we will share in snow.

a trail i create,

from your ear to chest.

infinite,

your love carries me to joy, and to peace.

to bear the burden of your breaking,

your self-flagellation,

your loss of self:

of love, of reason, of will.

I suppose for as long as I deserve to.

for as long as the sight of me brings pain.

for as long as you have to explain my absence.

for as long as the guilt from hurting you decides to linger.

I am sorry for the shatter,

but I could no more bear to linger.

When I go home,

I know how the sun will appear on the walls at daybreak;

I know when to keep quiet,

when to beg for forgiveness,

and when to put towels by the crack of the door

so my neighbours are only submitted to a muffled version of the emotional beatings you give me.

Two birds,

one stone.

It's my 9 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Oh okay

I don't know

But it doesn't matter anymore"

about happiness, about longevity.

shaking legs, shivering hands,

what it was that was said.

I do not believe it matters,

not at all,

but I believe it will hurt me.

Which, in turn,

makes me wonder,

why i am so desperate to know

why i wish for my brain to bleed and eyes to drain

why i am so fucking curious

as to what was said.

So,

come on now,

out with it?