eli

Hey PTJ, I genuinely kind of hate you but love you at the same time

all your works are so good. i just wish you added more value to the women. all the women look the same, can't fight for shit (except for mary but she got dummed down), and have zero waist super curvy builds. women are NOT built like that in real life.

i will say many of the women in viral hit and lookism ARE important but everything is mostly male centered and the female characters are either a love interest, annoying, or overly sexualized.

What is love

Seriously i simply don’t understand, have i ever loved before?

Have i been loved before?

I don’t think so

For love isn’t conditional

It’s not gained

From winning competitions

From report cards

From college acceptance letters

So i don’t understand it

I don’t understand

Don’t understand my love

For the person i “love” is so beautiful i cannot see her face

The rays of love and grace that she radiates is blinding me

The warmth of her gaze is burning me

I only saw her for a split second

Smiling on a park bench

Under the golden sun

Looking at someone else

But it was taboo

I couldn’t love a woman

That’s what they told me

Or i would fall

Like lucifer

Into the depths of hell

Tortured for all of eternity

Even so

I shall love him again

And again 

From far away

From close up

My love is given

But I never receive

Please don’t take 

And take

It’s true

For i love you

Now i know

I know

This is the first time

ever

But what rests in those eyes of yours?

There is something hidden in those black pearls of yours

Cold and heavy

Like the terrifying abyss

Do you hate me? 

Truly, do you?

I’m scared

For I don’t need anything from you

But i beg of you

Don’t hate me

It’s eating away at me

My stomach is full of parasites

I’m going to die

But before that

I want to know

What is love?

Is it the obsession I have of you?

Waiting at every staircase

Every hallway

To look for you in everything I do?

The cracks in my mug

The foam in my coffee

The marks in veins

The more i search

The further

I get lost

In those bottomless eyes of yours

I really wish we were meant to be

I really do

I’ve never wished this hard for anything

The reality is crushing me

I say I don’t care

Whether you love me or not

But I do and it hurts 

So much

But you scare me sometimes

And i scare myself

How did you pry open these walls with a single breath

You hadn’t even willed it 

And here i am

At your feet

Could anyone be more beautiful

Than you 

My star

My world 

My universe

Is it too selfish of me to wish for you

To force these shallow emotions of mine onto you

I’m sorry

Please don’t don’t

Why are you here then?

Why has it been willed that you be in my life?

To torture this poor soul for all of eternity?

But worry not

I’m simply a speck of a dust at the bottom of your trophy case

A worshipper in a sea of thousands

I don’t ask anything of you

Your presence brings me life 

And your smile makes me happier than any man

Or woman

You’re so kind

There isn’t anyone who doesn’t love you

They say love is a beautiful thing

So why do I feel as a bug getting crushed?

I can feel my bones crunching

My shell cracking

My insides are spilling out

I’m dirtying your floor

The sole of your shoe

I’m sorry

Dearly

As to die by your hand is still a 

Blessing ?

It’s so pitiful

The way i cling to you

The way i look at you 

The way i think of you

You’re my everything

And why is that so?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I don’t want to leave yet

I’ve let go once

I won’t do it again

Again

Again

Again

Please don’t leave

Please don’t go

I promise this time i’ll stay

Please let me stay 

Even if i’m crushed

Over and over

Will one day you bother to look at me?

To look me in these disgusting eyes of mine?

Will you understand one day?

It hurts to speak to you

I can’t breathe

My words catch

I want to take you down to the beach

I want to lay under the stars

I want to see you laugh

One more time

Please don’t ask me to leave

Because even after death

I know my soul

Will follow you everywhere

I understand

You will never be mine

But can I be yours?

Can you love me back?

And suddenly i’m begging on my knees 

Praying to a god i’m not sure I believe

11:11

To let me sit in your shadow

Selfishly

I don’t want to leave you alone 

I can’t 

I can’t tear my body away from walking towards you

To reaching towards you To trust you with everything

I want to pour my love on you 

I do

It hurts so much 

I want to tell you

I want to give you everything of me

But i’m afraid that would not be enough

Fear keeps me here

And so do you

But if you truly hate me

Will you tell me 

My love

Please

Tell me if you hate me

I would die to see your smile again

Please 

I’m sorry I don't know how to love

This is my first time

I simply don’t know what to do with these feelings

I think I’m dying

Why does it hurt so much to love?

What is it

That makes my soul feel like i’m being ripped apart

To accept the fact that i’ll never have you

No matter how much i pray

At the edge of my bed

As i look for you in the corners of my dreams

Will you turn you head to look at me 

I’ve memorized the back of your head

The ripples in your hair

The backs of your shoes

The way you don’t put them on properly in the morning

It’s so stunning 

I wish i could watch you forever

But a part of me yearns for you to turn

If only to look this decaying corpse

For just one second

I want to know what you are thinking

When you spare me that glance

I’m so lonely

The ground is so cold

I can’t feel my limbs 

Really i’m falling 

On and on 

Down alice’s rabbit hole

Yet i can’t find a door that fits

And the potion doesn’t work

No matter how much i drink

No matter how much i change

No matter how much i grow

I can’t open that door

I want to carve my flesh out

To fit the person that you need

Even if i have to fake it forever

I am nothing without you

I’m searching up horoscopes

Sun, moon, and star signs

We match

I’m ecstatic

But the stars lie

We aren’t meant to be

So i observe you from afar

I write essays about the way you ruffle your hair

The way you breathe

The way you lift your head to look at the conductor

The way you stand

The way you dress

And i can’t help but want to ask

If you are okay

Under that face for of laughter and smiles

Because there is something about your eyes

That is so cruel 

Like you would wring me dry without a second thought

And your look softens when you look at me

Is it pity?

Are you even looking at me?

When i feebly handed you my life

Wrapped in purple tissue paper

With a hot pink sticky note

Why did you look at me with such sorrow?

I’m sorry I made you feel that way

You make me feel everything everywhere all at once

I don’t know who i’ve become

I’ve loved you for years and years

And you don’t know my name 

Do you?

Moon oh Moon

Mother oh mother

I beg 

I beg

I beg

Can i wish for such a thing?

Can i want something like this?

Can you tell me

Whether i’m okay?

Is it too selfish of me to ask

For someone to give me their love as well?

I want it too

I want it

I want

I

I don’t

I don’t deserve

I don’t deserve it

Even if i’m everything you could ever want

mental health is so there now

everyone is struggling

and being depressed is normalized

i'm not saying that mental health awareness is a bad thing, it's great, ppl can speak out more and get the help they need.

that's why i say "normalized." since so many people have it, society down plays it, labeling it as being "dramatic" or "attention seeking". Don't get me wrong, there ARE people that use mental health for content and pity, but many people actually need help. thus, society has gone back to square one, instead of s**c*d*al people being labeled as "insane", now they are fake. this is (in my opinion) even worse, before, they would just call you crazy, but now, they are saying your feelings are not real and invalid.

and there really is no solution, changing society as a whole and people's views on long standing things is nearly impossible

now, for the people that aren't doing so well, it's ok to feel the way you are feeling

no really,

i mean it,

life is a terrible thing sometimes,

it's fucked up

and so are people

i'm not going to say "there are people that love you" or "there's more to life" or "you'll never see that future version of you"

because i think that's dumb, especially the last one. you seriously care more about the future, nonexistent version of me? ME, I, am struggling RIGHT NOW, am i not worth anything because i havn't made a name for myself or had a family? (speaking to teens here)

so here is what i have to say:

love yourself, be as selfish as you can from now on, focus all of your energy into yourself, do the things you love, care for the people you love for.

understand what you want, who you are, and who you want to become.

i understand,

it's okay if you want to die

you're not selfish for wanting the relief of death

to sink into the endless abyss

because i'll still be proud of you

for making it this far

you are good enough

you are good

you are

you

y?

you

you can

you can do

but guess what. what's wrong with that. yeah, fine, i'll just say it, i don't want to try anymore, it's really hard, to wake up every day. to sit up and be what everyone else wants me to be. i don't even know who i want to be. i'm not even myself, just a jumble of other's thoughts. i just want to be average, is that too much to ask for. I want to lay in bed until 10, play with my friends and be myself. yet do i know what i truly want? do i want to throw away my life to amount to nothing?

in the end i know what i want, it's simply nothing. just to exist is enough for me, but not enough for them.

i really can't do it, the more i struggle the more the waves crash over my head, everytime it just get's worse and worse.

"I don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow"

"how exciting"

but I know

i know exactly what i'm going to do tommorow

it's in my dreams

waking up the next day

over and over again

but i'm not a similation

i'm human too

i'm human

I'm

I

I don't

When I was 11 years old, my family went to New York. I remember looking out the taxi window and pointing at the huddles of people on the sidewalk. I remember the scorn and disgust on my mother's face as she told me they were drug addicts. How the tourists on the streets glared at them in contempt. No one went to fill their empty cups, to cover their bare shoulders. No one. As they huddled together in the 50 degree weather. I remember being told to never end up like them, penniless, dying on the side of the road. From there on, began to feel that distain, I averted my eyes and walked as fast as I could, to avoid their piercing stares.

Then came that time of year when you had to have the "talk". Not the puberty talk, the "don't do drugs or vape" kind of talk. Basically, it was a sheriff yapping about how drugs were a one way trip to hell. If you took drugs, well, your life is basically doomed, you get addicted, lose everything, and end up sick, broke, and dying on a park bench.

Then eighth grade rolls around and rumor has it, someone has drugs. How did a thirteen year old get drugs you ask, from her parents. Anddddd that's when I realize "oh, yeah, rich people do drugs too". The icons that people admire probably do drugs too, when you're rich, you have it all, what's the harm in doing drugs right? You have a medical team if anything goes wrong, and you'll never run out of money to keep supplying them. Money is everything.

MY MOM

Girl tf you doing, pushing "oh women belong in the kitchen", "you should be so and so to please boys", "women shouldn't have muscle" GIRLLLL nvm YOU NASTY MAN. the door is right there OOUT, OUT, OUT.

like every single time i try to be myself this woman hater has something to say. "oh your belly is hanging out cover that up or else the boys won't want you" babes, i'm wearing a CROP TOP (the belly is the point) and I"M GOING TO A GIRLS SLEEPOVER. AND. I. DON't. DRESS. FOR. MEN. EVER. ughhh what a body shamer too, go forbid my body is cream cheese

anyways so i have a brother right? and when ever he says something they never bat an eye, then i go and say the same thing (which isn't even remotely rude or offensive) and everyone blows tf up. hello???? "ugh who raised the GIRL, to behave like this?" um... ya'll im acting like a normal person. ??? why are you putting unnecessary labels on me fr

yall on top of that my mother is literally one that acts the most like a "man". she's loud, abusive, breaking things, always giving me damned death threats. and on top of that the only man she ever managaed to pull (by again "dressing/acting for men") is my dad. and lowk he is a tub of lard. like a tub of moldy hair lard💀

soooo one of the girls in my old friend group was super jealous of me. ik this sound narcissistic but she literally:

copied everything i did-i'm talking hair style, clothes, makeup style, interests and hobbies etc

always was so mad whenever something good happend to me and was always trying to pput me down in these situations and one up me. like girl???

literally wrote me a whole ass letter on how she wants to be me 💀why are you exposing urself

ok so basically she kinda succeded

orginally my friend group was just me and some other girls and she was lowk a opp like A BIG ONE

but somehow she wormed her way into the group, tried her best to cast me out so SHE COULD REPLACE ME. CRAZYYY and my friends are too dumb to realize they're being manipulated LIKE GUYS BE FR

anyways literally just left the group for others and this girl IS STILL TRYING TO BE ME like leave my new friends alone?? u have my old ones yk??

Js remembering how my old friendgroup pressuring me to come out as gay. I"M NOT GAY/LES. they would always be telling ppl that i was gay and trying to convince me that i was les. I made it clear so many times that i AM NOT LES... I was so pissed because my sexuality is 1. none of ur fucking business and 2. why can't i NOT be gay???

Everytime I tried to defend my self and say i wasn't gay they'd get so serious and they'd be like "why are you so mad?? just accept the fact that ur gay." like HUH!!! imagine saying this to an LGBTQ+ person "ur not queer, ur straight" LIKE WHY ARE YALL STRAIGHTPHOBIC???

ON TOP OF THAT WHEN EVER I'D JOKE AND SAY "ur gay" they would get so pissed and not talk to me for days, double standards much?

AND YK WHAT?? THEY'RE ALL STRAIGHT BITCHES HELLO??? U JUST WANT A QUEER QUIRKY FRIEND HUH?? LIKE GAY FETISH MUCH

I think one of the girls actually had a thing for gays bc when an idol of some kpop group said she liked girls my "friend" said, "omg yeah shes my favvvvv, she came out as gay so thats why" ??????A TERRIBLE REASON TO FAVOR SOMEONE HONESTLY

anyways thats not the reason we split it's js cuz they were being so toxic to me, and each other. (when I confronted them they straight up ignored me even though we were friends for YEARS)

ALSO YK WHAT?? AFTER I LEFT THE FRIEND GROUP GUESS WHO REPLACED ME? THE GIRL THEY ALWAYS TALK SHIT ABOUT they're friends group is falling apart cuz i'm the one who held everything together lmao

after ignoring me for months they now wanna be friends again after 1. no apology 2. being ignorant 3. shittalking me 4. siding w my opp

helll nawww get tf away from me DEMONS BEGONEEEE

anyways i'm not les i'm bi 💖but also idk cuz the only "girl" i had a crush on is NOW a guy but WAS a girl so does that count (?)