Ares 🕸️

Dick: -no that- that misconception is what pisses me off the most.

Jason: RIGHT?!

Bruce: i will admit even i was confused when he said it.

Dick: -like, me and Jason did not spend that much effort on making shit the fuck up and then rabbit-holing until it seemed slightly plausible just for Tim of all people to swoop in and take our role.

Bruce: i didn't even know he meant Tim at first, either. Clark was just talking about conspiracy theories online and Oliver asked me 'oh your kid's really into conspiracy theories, right?' and i said 'yeah Dick and Jason used to be really obsessed', and he responded with 'no i meant the third one, Red Robin.' and my mind went blank. pass me that screwdriver, Damian. thanks.

Jason: such bullshit; everybody's forgetting our roots.

Damian: i thought Tim was the conspiracy theorist of the family? by the way, father, the cave is low on bandage rolls.

Jason: shit, is there enough for my leg? i got nicked by a knife just before we came back in.

Dick: there's some spare in the batmobile i think,

Jason: oh hell yeah- somebody smack Damian by the way, that was disrespectful as fuck.

*smacking noise*

Damian: *squawk* RICHARD-!

Dick: he's right, though, that was so disrespectful. Tim being the true conspiracy theorist? me and Jay used to live on those back in the day.

Damian: *amidst distant clacking* i think there's a difference between what Tim does and how stupid the two of you are when put in the same room unsupervised.

Jason: no- fuck off! *whining* Bruce, tell him!

Bruce: *sigh* sorry Damian, i do have to agree with your brothers. they were surprisingly crafty when they were younger.

Dick, incredulous: 'surprisingly crafty', we were geniuses,

Bruce: chum, i love you but i don't think a single thing you two came up with was correct. *strained grunt* ...ok, Jaylad try the engine?

Jason: yeah im turning the key, it's doing fuck-all. you really fucked it up this time huh?

Bruce: i need my tool kit, Damian can you go and grab-?

*metallic thud*

Bruce: ...thank you. but next time don't throw it.

Damian: i'm not walking all the way over there. you can tell me to type up the night's reports or you can tell me to help you fix the car; you can't tell me to do both.

Jason: *whistles* you know if i ever spoke to my dad like that, he'd hit me with a golf club.

Dick, bland: Jay, your dad was a criminal.

Jason: what, and B isn't? just because he's the commissioner's favourite criminal doesn't mean it isn't still illegal for him to physically assault people in the streets.

Bruce, offended: hey,

Jason: shut up.

Bruce, indignant: see- *hissing* and you wonder why he thinks it's ok to talk to me like that-!

Jason: -listen if you didn't establish dominance over your first two kids then them influencing the new ones is honestly on you. the point is, me and Dick were hardcore into theorising when i was Robin; Timmy-boy doesn't have shit on us.

Damian: were you two that bored back then? i thought the golden era was supposed to be 'more insane and cartoonish than anything we could imagine'?

Dick: to be fair, it was like... the only thing we could talk about without arguing.

Jason: yeahhhh, for the first two years at least we couldn't stand each other, but Alfred and B kept trying to make us hang out and be brothers.

Bruce: you two were nightmares. conspiracy theories were like that generation's version of cocomelon. you were at each other's throats 24/7, but if i sat you both down in front of that creepy pasta website and told you one of them was real and about a JLA member? you'd be happy for hours.

Damian: *snort* you're joking.

Dick: dude, we- *snicker* we would make a mystery out of anything. i remember once i had to come home for thanksgiving and we spent the entire holiday obsessing over the possibility of uncle Clark lying about being an alien because i saw him taking human-medication in the front hall.

Bruce: *slightly smug* yeah, those were mentos. i told him to eat them in a 'suspicious manner' so you two would behave while we had guests.

Jason: -I FUCKIN' KNEW IT!

Dick: unbelievable- this is why we have trust issues you asshole!

Bruce: I DON'T WANT- I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT; YOU ONCE THREW THE TURKEY OUT THE WINDOW OVER A GAME OF GIN RUMMY.

*two seconds of silence*

Dick: that's actually-

Jason: yeah ok-

Dick: -i'd lie too.

Jason: -were a handful, sure.

Bruce: thank you.

Damian: you actually thought that being from Krypton was something Superman would feel the need to lie about?

Dick: hey, it wasn't nearly as buck-wild as some of the theories Jason came up with.

Jason: hey- hey, my conspiracy theories were, and always will be, fuckin' smart. may i remind you i predicted the court of owls being involved with haley's circus YEARS before that whole thing went down.

Dick: oh- fuck off, Jason. you didn't predict shit-

Jason, yelling over him: i said- I SAID, THAT THERE WAS A BIRD CULT,

Dick: -YOU SAID HAD NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH THE COURT OF OWLS-,

Jason: -OWL IN THE NAME,

Dick: -YOU THOUGHT MY PARENTS WERE BIOLOGICAL BIRD MUTANTS, TWATPOLE-

Jason: -AN OWL IS A BIRD-

Dick: -ITS A POLITIAL GROUP NOT A DAMN-

Jason: -HAS WINGS, HAS BEAK, LAYS EGGS,

Dick: YOU STUPID FUCKING-

Damian:

*complete and utter silence*

*more silence*

Jason, carefully: Damian, i want you to know that although scientifically that was funny, if you come within fifteen feet of me during the next twenty-four hours i will throw you into Gotham harbour by your balls.

Dick: -my ears are bleeding and you are no longer my brother.

Bruce, exhausted: Damian, step away from the batcomputer before you get yourself hurt. please. and stop using it to play music clips through the cave speakers.

Damian: well somebody needed to break them up and you said cocomelon-

Bruce: NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT- just go take off your suit. just- just- for once. for once, Damian. for once. listen to your father.

Damian: ...i will, but only because you seem to be on the verge of tears.

batman will provide a list of rules for the JLA any time they need to work in gotham and the JL will just look between the rules and the group of kids hanging out behind batman like. hold on now.

flash: no metas?

batman: yup.

flash: who’s that then?

batman: that’s signal, he can glow and he’s lovely, now take his fucking name out your mouth.

flash: …

~

superman: and you said no guns?

batman: yeah absolutely no guns allowed.

dick: *from upstairs* dAAAAAAD I’M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK HAVE YOU SEEN MY BADGE AND GUN?

batman: *yelling back* I THINK YOU LEFT THEM IN THE OFFICE.

dick: OH YEAH, THANKS.

batman: NO PROBLEM SWEETIE HAVE A GOOD DAY AT WORK!

superman: hm.

batman: he’s different.

superman: how?

batman: i love him.

~

wonder woman: you are against taking human life, are you not?

batman: absolutely and that is non-negotiable. we are not judge jury and executioner.

wonder woman: i see. turn around.

*jason and tim two rooftops over, arguing how best to dispose of the loa assassin corpses they just took down*

batman:

batman: i dont see a problem here. those are my sweet boys.

jason, distantly heard from behind: yeah fuck you we’re his sweet boys.

wonder woman: *sighs*

~

batman: honestly the most important thing is that we serve justice and keep morality intact even when dealing with the toughest cases.

green lantern: damian has a secret prison under the titans tower where he’s been torturing their villains rather than trying to reform them.

batman: he’s so cute and small. my baby.

green lantern: bruce-

Dick: Huh?

Tim: Like if someone merged our canon universe with another do you think we could tell

Dick: Canon? Tim, go to bed

Peter Parker: Yeah Tim, you should sleep

Danny Phantom, whispering: You think he knows?

Neal Caffrey: Nah

Tim: i dont think death should count as failure, so Dick only gets one.

Dick: yeah- well we all have one by default, because, y'no,

Jason: -look B isn't evil but he is an idiot and idiocy should count as failure.

Bruce: ...you guys know i'm on this line, right?

Damian: hush father, we're discussing.

Tim: so i get two, because i have the Drakes and then B. can my B count as two though? like, i had B normally and then i had B in the depths of grief; like that should count as-

Damian: no, no, absolutely fucking not Drake, you can't use that cop out-

Dick: -yeah, no, i call bullshit. Tim you have two, suck it up.

Jason: it really doesn't matter, literally none of you are going to even come close to beating me. i got the Todds, i got B, i got the Haywoods, i got Talia,

Tim, failing horrible at holding back laughter: yeah- yeah Jay, don't take this the wrong way but does anybody love you?

Jason: i- *wheeze* man fuck you Replacement-

Dick, also laughing: yeah- littlewing, at this point maybe you're the problem.

Jason: *cackles*

Tim: can we even count that as four though? surely if we're counting Jack and Janet as one because they're a couple then B and Talia should also be combined into one?

Damian: no, no, they should be separate. not only are they no longer together but they were attempting to parent completely separately. that's two.

Jason: yeah, fuck you! tryna lower my tally-

Tim: oh please, he's only agreeing with you so he has two instead of one!

Damian: i think you'll find i have way more than two, i far outrank you Drake.

Dick, giggling: sorry, sorry- you far outrank him at what, not being loved correctly?

Damian, fully seriously: i don't care how shit the competition is, Grayson. i'm fucking winning.

Tim: it's bullshit! you're literally the only one that wasn't adopted by somebody else! you have two at most Damian, stop lying.

Damian: well, no, because Todd should be one of mine.

Jason: EXCUSE ME?!

Dick: oooo~

Damian, raising his voice over the yells: LISTEN- listen. growing up in the league you were the only authorative male figure that was present in raising me before i came to Gotham. there is no way you wouldn't count on the board as a father figure.

Jason: NO, I'M NOT- i'm not fuckin' arguing that, you're my kid, end of. but how the fuck did i fail you?! i was great!

Damian: you literally passed me off to father and then disappeared for a year so you could go 'fuck shit up' with Arsenal and Starfire.

Dick: OOOO~

Jason: ...I- shut up Dick. I- *laughs* ok in my defence that was my version of a gap year-,

Damian: and it was my version of child neglect, you're going on the board.

Dick: suck it, littlewing!

Tim: *cackles*

Jason: yeah yeah- that's still only three for Damian, i'm still winning.

Damian: Grayson should also be on my board.

Dick: UM? HOLD ON-

Jason, instantly: OOOOOOOH, NOT FUCKIN' LAUGHIN' NOW, ARE WE GOLDEN BOY?

Dick: HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE HERE-

Tim, enjoying this way more than he should: no, no, Dick the kid has a point, you literally had custody of him when B was lost in the timestream, you definitely count.

Damian: i rest my case.

Dick: HOW THE FUCK DID I FAIL?

Jason: SUCKS TO SUCK DICKFACE.

Damian: you called me short that one time and it severely effected my self esteem. emotional abuse.

Jason: *cackles*

Damian: you also also passed me off to father again, so you are also complicit to his damaged attempt at parenting.

Bruce, offended: Damian-

Dick: what are you- YOU WERE TEN. YOU WERE SHORT. ALL TEN YEAR OLDS ARE SHORT.

Tim, instantly: Billy Batson.

Dick: WH- ok first of all, he's only tall part-time, and second of all THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS-

-

*Two-Face, across the street, listening to them yell through the open window of their stakeout spot*

Goon he was scheming with: ...sir, should we shoot at them or someth-?

Jason: -that does NOT look like a dog, man.

Damian: as opposed to what? what do you think it is, Hood?

Jason: dunno but you probably shouldn't be holding it-

*ping*

Tim: JASON PETER FUCKING TODD.

*a beat*

Damian, casually: is that your full name?

Jason: no i think he's just rewriting the bible into a gay love affair. Jesus's new disciple is getting tag-teamed by Peter and Jason. Saul is filming.

Tim: JASON.

Jason: yes, darling?

Damian: *snickers*

Tim: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ACTIVELY WORKING WITH THE LEAGUE?

Jason, confused: uhhh... i mean i had to be called in to a generals meeting on zoom literally last week...?

Tim: no- no, i don't mean when was the last time you did work for them-

*ping*

Tim: -i mean when was the last time you were living with the league and actively working alongside Ra's on a continuous basis?

Dick: Tim, calm down, there's no need to-

Tim: NO FUCK OFF DICK, HE WAS MAD AT ME ABOUT THE RESSURECTION THING FOR TWO WEEKS, AND NOW I FIND OUT THIS?

*a faint animalistic snarl*

Damian: *quiet* shhhh, *louder* uh, found out what?

Jason: wait, wait hold on. found out- with the league?

*four seconds of silence*

Jason, resigned: aw man, wing you snitch.

Dick: -I DIDN'T MEAN TO! WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT TIMELINES AND I FORGOT HOW IT ALL MATCHED UP AND HE FIGURED IT OUT!

Damian: found out what?

Jason: i'm not talking to you while you're holding one of the mutts from the hunger games in your arms, Robin.

Dick, voice dropping three octaves: while he's holding what now-?

Damian, exasperated: it's a DOG, you moron.

Jason: that thing is not a fucking dog i saw it lick it's own eyeball-

Tim: JASON.

Jason: OH MY GOD WHAT.

Tim: did you. or did you not. work with the league of assassins during the year Bruce was lost in the timestream?

Damian: *snort* no, he didn't.

Jason, even more confused: yes i- yes i did? Robin genuinely where did you think i was, i was gone for like nine months?

Damian: i dunno, i guess i just assumed that father's death finally made you snap and you'd gone off to follow in your deceased mother's footsteps by going on a massive bender.

Jason: what the fuck-

Tim: you were there for nine fucking months?! THAT'S LONGER THAN I WAS THERE!

Jason: Red, honestly, it was years ago. grow up.

Tim: GROW UP- WE WERE BOTH THERE AT THE SAME TIME. YOU KNEW I WAS WORKING ON GETTING BRUCE BACK. WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING HELP?! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME YOU WERE THERE.

Damian: wait, so you were also at the compound when Drake was there and you just hid from him?

Jason, amused: oh no kid i made his life hell, he just didn't know it was me,

Dick: *slight laughter* *cough* it's not- it's not funny i promise-

Tim, dangerously calm: what. do. you. mean. by. that.

Dick: *starts laughing again*

Tim: why is everything funny to you?!

Jason: i mean he grew up in the circus so i don't know what you expe- ok listen, Tim, i will level with you,

Tim: *expecting hum*

Jason: i was the assassin in the black motorcycle helmet-

Tim: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Jason: -but honestly all of that was so long ago it's really not relevant anymore so i don't know why you care so much.

Tim: *indescribable noises of rage*

Damian: what did you even do?

Dick: *keeps laughing* apparently there was- apparently when Tim was working with Ra's Jason was there but in like, a different outfit for some kind of undercover mission he'd just gotten back from, so he was there and Tim didn't realise it was him, and it's just- *wheeze* it's my favourite story...

Tim: fuck you Grayson. and he had the gall to get mad at me for being there when he was resurrected and not saying shit. unbelievable.

Damian: what- so were you there the whole time?

Tim: he was one of the fucking squad leaders assigned to work with me. he said his name was fucking Alphonso.

Dick: *broken wheeze*

Jason: -yeah you would not believe the favours i had to call in with Ra's to get him to call me Alphonso in front of you.

Damian: and you never thought to tell me this?!

Jason: i dunno, you seemed busy with the whole Robin thing. it was fun though, 'Alphonso' was a right prick, i really used to get on his nerves.

Tim, dryly: you pretended to trip during a mission and shoved me into a pen of manure. and you kept calling me 'Prim'.

Jason: i was- *snicker* i was bored?

Tim: YOU KNEW WHY I WAS THERE, WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?

Jason: well look- it's not like i didn't believe you about B being alive, i just figured you had it under control. and Pru's one of my best mates from league training, i knew she'd have your back.

*a beat*

Tim: are you fucking kidding- man i am going to kill her next time i see her-

Jason: -anyway then a bunch of your workers died and you got injured and shit and i honestly thought revealing who i was then would just be really awkward so i left,

Tim: i hate you.

Jason: -and then it turned out to be a good thing i was there because if i wasn't, you would be a mass murderer. who do you think figured out your plan to blow everything up and evacuated everybody? honestly if anything this makes us even so i don't know why you're complaining.

Tim: SO WHY DID YOU GET SO FUCKING MAD AT ME?!

Jason: i dunno. felt funnier.

Tim: IT FELT- i'm going to go fucking insane.

Damian, snorting: wanna play a game of league days to calm down?

Tim: -SHUT THE FUCK UP DAMIAN.

Dick: *cackles*

Jason: let me buy you a waffle, Timmers. free waffle and you'll feel better. big brother's treat.

*a beat*

Tim: with caramel.

Jason: with caramel. meet me and Robin at the place on sixth. Day, come on, i'll race you.

Damian: i can't swing anywhere right now.

Jason: why n- oh for fucks sake just PUT. the mutant. DOWN.

Damian: RUDOLPH NEEDS A HOME.

Dick: what the fuck are you-

Jason, annoyed: -oh he's got a stupid fucking rabid-mutant-wolf-thing he picked out of the docks and he won't let it go.

Dick: ...HE'S HAD A MUTANT THIS WHOLE TIME?!

Damian: *seething* for the last time, it is a puppy.

Dick: WHAT IF IT BITES HIM? DAMIAN!

Tim, petulantly: make it bite Jason.

Jason, instantly: oi. you want that fuckin' waffle or not, Replacement?

*faint shifting*

Tim: yes.

Jason: exactly, watch your fuckin mouth. Dick, i'm sending you our location. you bring a sedative and an animal cage and deal with Damian's new pet and i'll go with Tim to get him his sugar fix.

Damian: you are not sedating Rudolph.

Jason: sedative's for you kiddo. Dick?

Dick: on it.

Bruce: And you dumped him?

Dick: Yeah, yeah, I was exploring my types and he was not the one. Like if I went back to dating men, him and Wally worked as flings for me. That's all you need to know.

Bruce nodded, pulling out his phone and texting Oliver. Dick smirked, quickly clocking who his dad was texting.

Dick: Telling Oliver I dumped his son after dating him for a six months?

Bruce: Yep- Six months? See that's impressive you lasted that long with him. I'm not mad about the no grandkid because you are proving you're a Casanova like me.

i’m not a huge fan of the batarang slice but boy do i love the visuals it gives

the past was kinder…

That's also why I don't actively search for relationships.