ambition | /amˈbɪʃ(ə)n/ | 大望

it would mean a lot to me if you made it through this whole thing!

tw - mentions of sexual assault/harassment (towards me) and of minor smut

preface: i’m aware that she (@imaginethesedorks) pulls all of this shit not only fot her own twisted fantasies, but to garner attention as well - however, i think that the only way to do anything about the bullshit she’s been consistently pulling for months is to discuss it as a community

that being said, here we go - my second ever rant about sexualizing minors

here’s the first and the addition

1) @imaginethesedorks 

honestly @imaginethesedorks has me blocked on this blog so sadly she won’t see this but i want to expand on a really harmful possible effect of her blog just… existing, at this point

and that is the fact that she normalizes sexual thoughts about minors and invading their space in such a frankly disgusting way not only for adults - which is horrific - but also for other minors

there are kids who have been defending her, children who are teenagers themselves who think that she’s within her rights to be writing and posting smut about individuals who are not yet of legal age, who are unaware of how her ideas can manipulate their own visions of themselves and of people in their age group

i digress for now - give me a second to be personal about this issue like i have in my previous letter/rant - i’ll try to be short about it, but likely won’t be

2) me (hi! i’m raya)

i’m pretty much going to be writing this in a very stream-of-consciousness way because i think that’ll bring across the point that i’m… i’m a pretty young kid by showcasing the way i think - hopefully it’ll remind some people of the fact that, likely, underage idols feel/think the same way

when i first wrote the letter about sexualization, i was 14 years old. the second time i wrote on the topic, adding onto that previous letter, i was 15

i hate that this is a cyclical thing, but it appears to be - i’m 16 years old now

some background on me - i started my sophomore year back in august, am a generally good student (see: top 6% in my school, top 1% in the nation), spend a lot of time reading/writing/mixing music, have some of the best friends ever, love dogs (i’m getting a lab in may i’m so hype)

i spend 2-4 hours at a college prep school outside of school a week, came home 2.5 hours late everyday up until two weeks ago (that’s when wrestling season ended for me), have almost 100 volunteer hours and am a part of clubs like rotary and model un. much of my time is eaten up by things like studying, practicing (wrestling), volunteering, and, of course - i spend quite a bit of time suppressing memories

oh.

yeah, now we’re getting somewhere 

i was sexually molested at age 6 (the memories were buried really, really fucking deep in my mind and recently resurfaced. i don’t want to talk much about it, so i won’t expand. please forgive me for this) by a friend who was not honestly that much older than me. they knew what they were doing, though. it still fucks me up

by the time i hit 15 i’d been groped - mostly nonconsensually, i’m not faulting anyone i consented to - multiple times by people i called friends

by now, i’ve seen my friends and me all get messaged by creepy people our age and older trying (badly) to get into our pants 

i’ve also seen far more dick pics than, quite frankly, have been necessary (0 would’ve been a good number)

most of this isn’t anything different from what many people go through at my age - reminder, i’m 16 - regardless of gender (plenty of my male friends have had uncomfortable, sexual experiences by this time, as well)

a guy friend of mine on the team recently told me that my ass, and the asses of my other female teammates, constitute some of the most vulgar locker room talk that comes up for the other male team members

i’ve been catcalled. i’ve learned to text my friends that i’ve gotten home safely after walking even ten minutes alone. i’ve learned to ask for texts in return

i’ve said it before, and i’ll continue to say it - this shouldn’t be normal. this sexualization of something that i know as my body, as my forever home, shouldn’t be considered allowable. i’m not even halfway through high school. i’ve never been kissed, but i know what it’s like to have other people’s hands all over me when i don’t want them there

i know what it feels like to know, to have an inkling that other people are using me as fuel for their fantasies. it’s disgusting. it’s vomit inducing, and, frankly, i don’t like - i l o a t h e - the idea that people can know that these feelings, that these scenarios i’ve mentioned exist and bother people my age like this, and still write smut and sexual situations about people in my age group like it’s okay to do so

children under 18 are just that - children. treat them - treat us - as such, goddamn. it’s not that hard. it’s not like we’re saying “don’t write makeout scenes” or “dont write fics where kissing happens” because that’s not it. that’s not it at all. sex scenes, however? smut? that’s crossing a line that’s put there for a reason

3) society

i’ve grown up, like most of the people reading this, actually, in an age where bodies aren’t nearly as taboo as they used to be - and i’m really, really glad, because this means that body positivity is so much more accessible and societally acceptable than before

however, it means that bodies themselves, our bodies, are so much more accessible to others. so much easier to sexualize 

social media works wonders. all media does. it connects us

sometimes it exposes us to sick fuckers who sexualize people who aren’t even college age yet

just because, for example, members of nct dream are on the world stage, it does not give anyone permission to exploit their likeness/images/personalities for twisted sexual fantasies and fetishes. just because they found themselves more viewable and vulnerable than the average 15-17 year old does not mean that they’re prepared for people to exploit them like this - like writing smut about them for self satisfaction. renjun and jeno and donghyuck and jaemin and chenle and jisung never signed anything that said “yeah, you can sexualize me” or some complete bullshit like that. 

that’s about all i can say about society but tl;dr sexualizing u18s is nasty as FUCK anyways

4) breakdown of some common arguments (that i’ve seen on this specific blog)

1. what’s the difference between 17 and 18? they don’t just magically fucking change or anything

– yeah, you’re right. we don’t change when we turn 18. not physically, at least, or mentally right then and there. however, during their 18th year, most people leave home or experience the outside world more. worldview widens. we leave the confines of being “of school age”. it’s more a situational change than a personality one at first, but our surroundings end up impacting ourselves and senses of selves heavily. the difference between a 17 year old high schooler and 18 year old college freshman is great. very great. it’s the same all around, almost. you just get exposed to more at 18 and become mature

2. i know kids who have sex lmao why can’t i write about kids having sex

– out of my grade of oh, 500? people, none are pregnant. i’d say maybe 10% are sexually active. that’s one hell of a minority. most of us are more concerned about our end of year exams, thanks. either way, idols aren’t among those who are having sex - not only is the culture of korea far different than western countries, they have to juggle training, recording, etc. with schoolwork and other “normal kid stuff”. they just don’t have the time, so you can shove this excuse up your ass :)

3. it’s my blog, i can do what i want

– yeah, and it’s my blog, so i can call you the fuck out for your harmful behaviors. posting smut about minors can cause other impressionable young people to think that what you’re doing is acceptable, and that in itself is indoctrination. it’s gross. it has the marks of fetishizing underaged sexual relationships and that’s disgusting, especially as you’re a definite adult. the fact that you paint yourself as warm and a generous, motherlike figure is even more horrendous as you’ve managed to convince u18 kids that your twisted perspective is correct. you’re hurting the people you’re claiming to protect such as your “lovely” anons and children who are backing you up. you’re creating a pathetic monster out of yourself and blaming us of sound mind when you get called out

5) ending notes

since i don’t feel like i’m going to be organized if i continue speaking, this is all i have to say right now. i am horrified, disgusted, and in general just deeply sick to my stomach thinking of the fact that people sexualize and write smuts for kids, who likely spend more time playing overwatch than thinking about sex. @imaginethesedorks twists being a child into something hideous for her own pleasure and to gain attention and as somebody who’s seen the evils of losing a childhood, i can’t help but feel wretched thinking about how she is affecting her followerbase. there’s not much else i can say other than that i am disgusted. if you’ve read this far, thank you so much! block/report @imaginethesedorks and please, if you feel the need to talk to me about your own experiences or your feelings about this, do so! i am here to listen <3

How many people would be skating on Olympic ice after having gone through all he had to endure? When his hometown was struck by the 2011 Tohoku earthquake Yuzuru was inside the rink, training. That year, he took part in 60 ice shows, using them as practice time. In 2012 he won his first Worlds medal, capturing many fans’ hearts with his iconic Romeo and Juliet performance. In 2013 he defended Japan’s 3 spots for the Olympics while being injured. In 2014-2015, after winning GPF, the Olympic title and the World title the previous season, he collided with Han Yan in practice. He was still bleeding when he performed his free program, fell five times, and yet won a silver medal. He qualified for GPF, and won. At the end of 2014 he had surgery, just after winning the national title once again. He sprained his ankle before Worlds, competed and came second. In the first half of the 2015-2016 season he broke all his records, becoming the first man to get more than 200 points in a free program and more than 300 points in total. He arrived at Worlds as the absolute favourite. He skated a perfect short program, but couldn’t win the title in the free. Afterwards, we’d discover he had been injured for months, and had suffered lisfranc ligament damage. He thought the gala would be his last performance. Yet he came back, with a 4Lo, and rewrote history once again. In the 2017-2018 season, he brought back two iconic programs, and planned to add a 4Lz to his layout. He landed it in his first try in competition. But injury struck once again, when he fell on a 4Lz in practice at NHK Trophy. He wanted to skate on painkillers, but his ankle wouldn’t move. He was off ice for two months. He started practicing 3A 3 weeks ago. He started practicing quads 2 weeks ago. All of this doesn’t even begin to define his career, his mentality nor the quality of what he does on the ice. A warrior’s destiny is greater than his wounds.

“Thank you for this incredibly stressful 30 minutes that I have had to re-structure my entire day around and which will give me anxiety poos for the next 24 hours.”

I didn’t get the job.

However, a few weeks later, I was called in to interview with another editor in the same company, and I did get that job. I found out later from the initial editor (the one who didn’t hire me) that he had planned to offer me the job, but since I didn’t follow up with a thank you letter, he assumed I didn’t really want it. He offered the job to another contender–but when he got my letter in the mail shortly after the offer had already been made, he went to HR and gave me a glowing recommendation. It was based on that recommendation that I got called in for the second interview.

So: send an email thank you immediately (same day!) after the interview. If you’re feeling extra, go ahead and send a written one too. OR go immediately to a coffee shop, write the letter, and return to the office and give it to the secretary.

You don’t cling onto the person because “two and a half years has been a long time and it’s a waste to end it here”. You end it because you’ve had enough thinking twice whether the person is still worth staying with or not. You let go because you find yourself looking back, comparing and missing the old times than cherishing the present. You let go because you have to stop defending that person and start facing the truth that things have changed. You let go because you let go of anything that upsets you whether it be work, hobby or a person.

And you let go because you have to stop being selfish. There is someone out there wanting to love the person you’re holding onto and they deserve to feel this genuine love from someone and not a pity love from you.

When you lose this kind of love, you move on. You do it because it’s the best choice for you. You move on because you’ve been hurt enough and it’s time to be happy. You move on because you don’t deserve to doubt the love that someone gives you. You move on and whenever you crumble, remind yourself on why you left in the first place.