Se-duck-tion

I can't find the read more button on mobile, so I'm really sorry for this word vomit but I just really have to get this out, so why not do it semi-but-not-really-anonymously on the Internet? So my dad's been super emotionally abusive towards me for about half my life. He and my mom got divorced, and I look and act a lot like my mom so I essentially became a mom-proxy for him to be angry at. He'd blame everything on me. Like, the world was out to get him and it was somehow my fault that was happening. Nothing I did was ever good enough. If I got 98% on a test, he would ask why it wasn't 100. I got the lead in a musical and he told me I did really well for not being able to sing. He made me feel like I had no value as a human being and that I wasn't someone worth caring about. Because, if my dad can't love me why the hell shold anyone else? Basically all this bad shit ended up culminating when I was 17, a couple months after my brother had died and I was incredibly depressed. Following a bad argument, I ended up leaving to live solely with my mom because I was entirely unable to continue living with him. My dad and I didn't talk for about a year after that. Then I started having semi-regular dinner with him and my siblings. After a year of that, I started having dinner with him every Tuesday. For the past year, things have been okay. I still left half our Tuesday dinners feeling like complete shit, but there was definite improvement. So, about six months ago my dad decides he wants to take me, my brother, and my brother's girlfriend to Thailand. I didn't take this too seriously as my dad always talks about traveling and rarely follows through. Next thing I know, my brother and his girlfriend are no longer able to go, and my dad has booked a ten day trip for just the two of us. This made me super nervous, but I decided that I can deal with it for the sake of our relationship. But, for the past month, as the trip got closer (it's in about a week now), I started getting incredibly anxious about the trip. I began to have full blown panic attacks almost every time I thought about it. Today, I talked to my mom about it and we decided it'd be best if I told my dad the truth, paid him back for the trip and didn't go as it would likely end up being detrimental to my mental health. So, tonight I called my dad and told him that I really wanted to have a good relationship with him and continue working on it with him, but I wasn't ready to spend ten days, just the two of us. Now, I am no longer his daughter and he doesn't want to seem me for an indefinite amount of time. I am, however, supposed to give my brother money on a weekly basis to pay my dad back the $5,800 he's paid for my tuition over the past two years. Essentially, I am now trying to buy back my dad's love; pay for textbooks, a parking pass, and other college-necessary things; and save money for future tuition as I am transferring to a four-year university next year and those are fucking expensive. Also, I have work at 7:30 tomorrow morning, but I can't sleep because I'm too busy crying, feeling like I'm going to puke, and thinking about how I've basically fucked everything up and that my dad doesn't love me anymore. Again.