See you on Sanghelios (...or Takodana)

One of the barriers to describing queerness in Star Wars is that our terms for these identities are not canon. Which is why a lot of these identities are confirmed through relationships, pronouns, or a character's musings, and then confirmed in the meta.

i.e. the Aphra team clarified that she was a lesbian specifically in an interview, and the Star Wars site used "asexual" in Leox's bio. The closest we got to an in-text use of our own words was "transcended gender" for the clone Sister.

So there's always going to be this dance of identity and language when it comes to representation in the Galaxy Far, Far Away.

But there's something just really special about Dexter Jettster specifically calling that out when it comes to describing his relationship with Maz.

Daniel José Older writes Dex's line as: "I wish there was a simple word for what we are!"

This can be a nod to the dance of identity/language in the GFFA as mentioned above, but it's also EXACTLY how "queerplatonic" and associated terms came to be in our real world

Take "zucchini"! This word was an early adoption into the queerplatonic lexicon to describe a qp partner. And it started as an in-community joke to highlight how there are no simple words for describing intimate relationships that are not romantic/sexual.

"Queerplatonic" itself was coined because of this lack of language.

So Dex's first sentence in describing his relationship to Maz is reflective not only of queerplatonic relationships, but queerplatonic history.

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Now let's go to his second sentence: "It's a thing beyond any relationship I've ever had."

I've got three things to say about this. One looks at the sentiment of the whole sentence, one looks at a specific word choice, and one looks at certain implications...

The entire sentiment... well... let me explain it through a personal experience of mine.

Back when I thought I was a straight cis woman, I went through two long-term relationships. And it sucked. Both were good men, but the romantic and (eventual) sexual obligations that we were operating under actively tore away the joy I once had in our friendship.

I had to fake emotions I didn't have, put on a show for the various spectators who demanded coos and swoons and romantic expressions.

When The Last Boyfriend I Would Ever Have noticed how miserable I was, he asked what I wanted from the relationship. I said I wanted to be friends.

I didn't know how to express it at the time, but I missed when we were allowed to be friends. When people had mistaken us for a couple because we planned and hosted hangouts for our community together. When we were who the other could count on to show up.

I missed…

I miss

…when we were each other's person.

But that wasn’t recognized as a relationship. Because we weren’t girlfriend boyfriend. When we did start dating, that’s when the pressures of rules, obligations, expectations closed in like a maw. From those immediately around us and from lessons instilled since we were children.

That little time, those months when there was no word for us, was a relationship wholly unlike either of the romantic relationships I had. And yet romance was how these things were “supposed” to work. Romance was the the ultimate form of intimacy.

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Which brings us to the word choice of Dex's sentence: "It's a thing BEYOND any relationship I've ever had."

"...unlike any relationship..." would also have been an accurate and respectful way for Older to have written it. But the choice of 'beyond' counters a specific narrative.

If you mention or describe a queerplatonic relationship, especially in an online space, there's a high chance your notifs will have something like "someone just discovered friendship" or "someone is afraid of commitment."

Not only is romance considered the ultimate form of intimacy (see also the entire “friendzone” nonsense), the first response many people have when introduced to queerplatonic relationships is to devalue them in direct contrast to romance.

Therefore, describing a queerplatonic relationship as being “beyond” the other relationships Dex has had, AND having Alak respect it enough to ask Dex for advice on Alak’s romantic relationship, Older makes it clear that a queerplatonic relationship has just as much worth.

Furthermore, like Leox’s speech about his asexuality, “beyond” frames the queerplatonic not as something lacking – e.g. “a committed relationship that isn’t romantic or sexual” – but as something whole unto itself.

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And then, finally, there’s certain implications of the line “It's a thing beyond any relationship I've ever had.”

Dex has had other relationships. Keep that in mind as we head to the next portion of his little speech: “When I'm with Maz, she makes me smile on the inside. It's that simple. No one else makes me feel like that.”

First, what a beautiful way to describe attraction: "she makes me smile on the inside." But the kicker is that last line.

"No one else makes me feel like that.”

Dex has been in other relationships, but the only one that sparked attraction was Maz.

Dex did not experience attraction until he connected with Maz.

We don't know their full history of how the relationship started or grew. But just with the clues we have, Dexter Jettster basically described textbook demiromanticism.

Demiromantic is an identity under the aromantic umbrella. Aromantic means experiencing little to no romantic attraction, and demiromanticism is not experiencing romantic attraction until a bond is formed.

Now demiromanticism (and its cousin, demisexuality) both are widely misunderstood, because people tend to equate identity with actions. And many people – unfortunately queer and straight folks alike – don’t want to listen to demi folks when they describe their experiences.

A common attack on demiromantic/sexual people says that they are “just picky” when it comes to partners, and “everyone waits to date/have sex until there’s an emotional connection.”

But that’s describing outward actions, not a person’s internal experiences.

scretladyspider does an excellent breakdown of the demisexual experience specifically, and I highly recommend their work in general.

Ultimately demiromanticism/demisexuality are not descriptors of how a person acts, but of how a person feels on the inside.

Waiting to enter into a relationship with someone you are attracted to is not the same as not feeling the attraction to begin with.

Older writing Dex as having other relationships but ONLY experiencing attraction in the one he currently has with Maz, makes that distinction clear. His actions (being in a relationship) are not one-to-one with his internal emotions (attraction to another person).

In short, the way Dexter Jettster describes himself perfectly mirrors the most-widely accepted definition of demiromantic.

It’s also an incredibly relatable experience to my aromantic self. Like I said before, I’ve entered romantic relationships because that was the expectation, but I never actually felt the romantic attraction. And the relationship that DID make me come alive was in this space between.

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Again, this is a situation where we have to perform that GFFA dance between identity and language, since neither “queerplatonic” nor “demiromantic” exist as terminology within the canon of Star Wars.

But what we have here is a character describing both a relationship and an experience of attraction that echoes how we understand those identities in the real world, and describes them as something joyful.

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Which leads to the last section of Dex’s description: “And so what we call each other, what our rules are... it doesn't matter much. We're honest with each other. That's what matters.”

This joins in with the word choice of “beyond,” as discussed further up in this post.

I said that “beyond” avoids the description of a queerplatonic relationship as something lesser or lacking: e.g. “a committed relationship that ISN’T romantic or sexual.” But there’s another way queerplatonic relationships are framed that address that “lack” as a positive.

A queerplatonic relationship is FREE from the expectations of romance/sex. There might be some partners who do include romance or sex within their queerplatonic relationships, but it’s not a requirement for the relationship’s existence.

The rules don’t matter much. The labels of girlfriend boyfriend don’t matter much. What matters is honesty between the people in the partnership.

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Close read aside of this comic aside, I want to take a moment to really hammer home how big this is. Within Star Wars, we have had multiple confirmed aromantic characters before (Vi Moradi, Leox Gyasi, Vernestra Rwoh are the most major)

Obi-Wan himself seems to be on either the aro or ace spectrums, if not both. And if so, a queerplatonic analysis is open there with Satine Kryze, but has thus far avoided any in-universe interpretation as such.

However, even with our confirmed aros, they were first confirmed through their asexuality, with their aromanticism assumed to be part of a package deal. These are a package deal for ME, being aroace, but they aren’t always.

And aro identities themselves – be it solely aromantic or the aro-specific side of being aroace – often get downplayed, ignored, or even painted as wicked and unfeeling towards others. If we cannot feel “love,” then what cruelties are we capable of?

In Star Wars, one of the first hints we had towards aromanticism was in the Phasma novel. This novel specifically used the titular character’s lack of romantic relationships to highlight how much more violent she was than the rest of her tribe. Aromantic was specifically used as shorthand for selfish and cruel.

In the real world, “asexual people still want romance” can be and has been used as an advocacy tool to showcase the wide range of people under the ace umbrella, but it also has been used as a way to downplay aromanticism to make asexuality more “palatable.”

So Dex’s description putting this potential aromanticism at the forefront of his experience, not tacked onto an asexual revelation, is a level of respect that aromanticism has not yet had in Star Wars and rarely gets…. in general.

Furthermore, queerplatonic relationships themselves are very rare in all fiction, even within aro and ace media. Having a description that matches one here, as something whole and beautiful unto itself, is helping fill a major gap in queer rep.

See this post from aroaessidhe for a list of books that do include queeplatonic relationships.

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For aro/ace identities and queerplatonic relationships, you don’t have the same easy queer shorthands of pronouns or a kiss between the same gender.

A lack of overt interest will result in the default assumption of “not having met the right person,” and any intimate interest will result in the default assumption of romance/sex.

See, for another High Republic example, the characters of Axel and Gella, who have a close emotional bond that is never described as romantic within the text, but fandom doesn’t seem to have any other interpretation of it.

If there’s no easy way for a character to say “I’m aromantic/demi” (e.g. the recent Gwenpool) or “our relationship is queerplatonic,” because the language isn’t there (as with Star Wars), then genuine work has to be put in to SHOW that a character is aro/demi, a relationship is queerplatonic.

So while these three panels from Older (and artists Harvey Tolibao, Michel Atiyeh, and letterers Tyler Smith, Jimmy Betancourt) aren’t some aromantic/demi/queerplatonic manifesto, they do help to highlight a part of the queer community that’s frequently overlooked.