mess

i have no slightest idea what i’m doing right now, but i may be dead or just maybe trying to force myself read a new book while in bed.

it’s 8 pm and i’m sad. and i’m writing this because i want to know if i found peace by then. that’d be cool, for sure. but now, i’m just self-loathing again, lol. i hope that the future me has found peace and happiness. i really hope that i’m doing something that i really love. i’m probably in college now trying to get that MD. i hope so. i hope i’m still trying.

but if not, then that’s okay too! that means that i’ve been successful with what i’ve been trying to do for a while now. and that’s okay. if i’m not here anymore, i just want to let y’all know that it’s no one’s fault, that this is what i wanted in the first place. i am okay now. and i’ve probably found peace and happiness wherever i am. no more pain. no more self-loathing. no more cold sharp objects drawing red lines all over my body. i’m happy now. i’ve found peace. the universe finally allowed me to rest.

dead or alive, i just really hope i’ve found peace. that’s what i want. i hope i am happy now.

to my future self, if you’re reading this right now, i just want to let you know that i am proud of you for still trying and hoping that everyday will get a little bit better for you. i’m proud that you’ve reached this far. i am proud that you’re still breathing. but i hope you’re breathing for yourself; because you want to and not because of the guilt you feel about the people around you. i hope you’re doing this for you.