BELLA

if i don’t lose weight by christmas, santa won’t be the only fat fuck flying off the roof

I just wanna look sexy when I'm dating or in bed with someone. I want to date people above my league. I want to feel hot when I'm by myself. I don't want someone to be able to grab onto rolls. I want someone to run their hands across my tight waist and stomach. I want my legs to not look like beached wales wrapped around someone.

Rejection. It’s all I’ve ever faced my life. From lovers, from family, from friends, from opportunities to success. I kept going. Kept thinking maybe it just wasn’t right. But I’ve reached that threshold where my fragile heart can’t take it anymore. Each time I get rejected now, it’s like some squeezing my heart and shattering it into uncountable pieces. It makes me feel small, worthless. Like every cell of me was created to be hated. To be looked at with resentment and disgust. Who could love you, my brain says. Look at you, you sorry being. So peculiar. So unlovable but so desperate for love. Wish I’d realize the only solution is to be alone. It’ll be lonely, it’ll hurt but I promise you it won’t burn like when you are rejected. If only I could kill that tiny ray of hope and give up. It would save my life.