Angel of Misery

The best thing I could do was acknowledge I cared so much, but I no longer served the same purpose I once did. Fandoms will change - and friends don't always last when the interests change.

I will always care and want you to do well, to be happy.

So why do I keep sitting on my couch, losing track of time because I've got nowhere to be for anyone.why can't i make connections that wabt to talk with m3.

Getting over a bit of a cold, so I haven't been doing all that much. Plus, I must have pushed myself a little too hard this week, since my lower back has been seizing up again. Trying to rest with heatpacks and a new massage cushion I got.

I hope it doesn't come across that I don't want to talk. I do, and the nature of me, I'm always thinking and worrying about how people are doing over the other side of the world. I've just been hitting burnout frequently. It's kind of disarming how I used to try and do so much roleplaying/writing a day, to now working so much that I really haven't done any writing for.. quite a bit.

And I could be angry and bitter about it, but it's not really worth the emotional sufferance. I'm trying to be okay with that the most talking I do is to my dog. I can't really worry about chasing or ghosting when I'm just trying to make sure I have enough energy for me.

I'm doing okay. And I'm still really grateful that for all the infrequency and spacey I can be, you're still checking on me. Still willing to be a part of my life. Considering all of the history - that's pretty darn special.

It crosses my mind, at times. That when I'm looking up at the stars in the sky, maybe you're looking at them too. The same sky, just a day behind or in the future. Timezones are crazy like that.

Even though I'd like to do something with animals in the future.. for all the worse of humanity I see, I can't imagine not doing what I do now.

I mean, sure, I get paid for it. Definitely helps pay the bills. But being able to use my time, my car, my empathy. All that I can do, to assist someone else live their best lives.

Maybe sometimes I'm not living as my best self. But ultimately, I am a listener, and a giver. You see a problem, you see sadness and pain, you naturally want to help soothe it. Less about rescuing or being someone's saviour.

I spent so much time trying to make or save connections that were so important to me. Now, there's just kinda of a desensitised numbness about the whole thing.

You know, like.. well, of course there's little to no friends online anymore. That's the way it was. That's the way it has been. And it's just a life fact that I'm never going to be able to change.

I'm resigned to the reality that despite all my healing and working on myself. I'm inevitably a people pleaser that's more of a pitstop for people to move onto other stronger connections.

Throwing myself into working two jobs. Because really, what else do I have? There's no partner. When I'm not at work, I'm sitting in a house with just me and my dog.

I'm not even sure why I'm getting this out. I guess just to acknowledge that I'm sad, messed up, impossible to love? My writing doesn't inspire joy much for myself, let alone anyone else. Except that one friend who deserves so much better attention from me.

It was a beautiful, fantastic time. I laughed, cried, grew older and better with people. But old memories don't necessarily mean you keep every connection over the span of your life.

It meant so much to me.