I had to do something so here I am

Someone just joked that if i ever snapped they would be the first one that i would kill and I just... no they wouldnt lmao, i would be

I’ve not been on much and I probably will continue not to be because … I’ve learned to extensively dissociate from my emotions !! Yay no more sadness. I mean no happiness or any other shit either but listen, what’s the point of feeling if it’ll just make you a wreck 24/7

So this doesn’t have much to do with this blog but I need to talk about this somewhere and I don’t know anywhere else I can. I’ve been kind of dating this guy for a while but it’s become clear that dating and romance is a very strange thing for me and also I don’t really like him in that way, but just as a friend. But you know it’s nice to have someone who wants to be near you. And I don’t want to hurt him. So we’ve mostly hung out and watched movies and stuff. Haven’t even held hands. Anyway, last night, there was a sleepover and we ended up sleeping next to each other on the floor. And at first we were just holding hands, and then at some point I feel asleep and woke back up to his arm wrapped around me. Since the ground was fairly uncomfortable and I spent a lot of time after that shifting around and he always kept his arm around me and I really liked it at the time. I liked being close to him. I fell asleep again eventually. At some point near early morning as I was half asleep I realized his hand was pretty much on my chest and made some sort of sleepy attempt to move it down because I didn’t want him to touch me there. I don’t know if he realized I was trying to do that or not? Since I was kind of doing it weirdly, but he kept moving his hand back up just on the edge of what I was comfortable with. I didn't like what he was doing but I was too asleep to do anything about it properly. And that carried on till I like shifted onto my front. Then a little later he liked moved his hand to my butt and I just reached down and moved it back up to the small of my back and apologized and kept it there. None of this really bothered me too much at the time? Or even for a while after? But I think since then I’ve had this sort of gross feeling in my chest and throat. And then he texted me saying he was sorry since he thought he may have done stuff I was uncomfortable with. And he said like he woke up this morning and felt creeped out about what he did and that he definitely wouldn’t again and felt bad. And I just like?? Said it was ok and not a big deal but that I’m glad he apologized?? But I’ve realized since it is a big deal to me? And since he apologized I’ve just felt more and more gross? And I just don’t really know what to do about this. I’ve always been uncomfortable with physical touch but now thinking about it actually feels repulsive and just ..I dunno If anyone has any advice or comments they would be very welcome