Applepixel's blog ·

I am so sorry for taking so long into answering this ;;; I had such hard times getting adjusted to many sudden changed but... I’M BACK.

A year ago, a game was being released. Also, one day before, I had a terrible birthday and a reminder of all the things I was not.

I can’t say this was an entire year, because, even if I saw Undertale slowly grow to be what today it is from the begining, I was on the backstage, just watching the show and the fandom increasing in size. Several mutuals and people drowning into this madness as I kept myself into other subjects, away from the internet, away from the computer... just enclosing myself into things, now I laugh about.

It was until January of this year, when one day I snapped and asked a friend “Who’s that fucking skeleton you always post about? It’s getting tired”, and then I was drowned into a confusing explanation about human, monsters, determination and countless of “please play it, you’ll love it”. And well. I did.

And it was by far, the best choice I ever made this year.

See, I am not afraid to say, during that time I lost everything: School, friends, money, job, and was in the way of loosing a person who I considered be the love of my life; my house was a hell hole, when my parents became the most poisonous and violent persons in the world and I had no where and no one to run to. I was utterly alone. I had nothing left. I was hurt. And one of the things that hurts the most to say is: I also lost hope on myself, my dreams, my goals. I had no bit of strenght left. I no longer had motivation to seek out for anything. I just wanted to stay on my desk, loose time on the computer and pretend that I didn’t exist. Because I wanted nothing. I was numb.

But, it will be quite a bit... stupid to say a simple game teached me all this. And, truth be told, it wasn’t exactly like that. This game, this story, the characters and everything else, touched a very sense nerve inside of me. It moved me and forced me to think about my life choices. I will always still remember the first things I went through when I played the game: The tenderness of a mother love from Toriel, laughing happily again thanks to Papyrus and Sans, feeling inspired by Undyne’s power and heroic speeches, the big empathy I had when encountering a yellow lizard that had all the same fears, the same vision of herself I had of myself. But amongst all the things... Asgore and Asriel teaching me something I had forgoten, and that was to forgive myself. My first and only attempt to beat Genocide was positively frustrated by Sans, when his speech made me remember who I was, and then I understood that was a question I had to ask to myself: What type of person I wanted to be. I know it’s silly... But my love for Sans is not because he’s a ‘husbando’, heh, it is because he was the only character I’ve seen to comfront the player in a way it just... makes you close the computer, lay down and shed a tear thinking about the actual power we as human and people have on our hands and just wonder... What will I do tomorrow? Create or destroy?

That day, I choosed the first, re-started the game and decided to make amends with them. Give them a happy ending as a symbolic way, because I was in my way to give a happy ending to myself.

This game didn’t solve my life, that’s real. But it kicked me back into the correct path where I met the correct people that now are pushing me to do the best. If it wasn’t for Undertale, I wouldn’t have met the best comunity I am part of; friends and people who I learned to roleplay with, talk to, laugh with, create and share memories through this beautiful path, a group in which I met four of my greatest friends: Matty, Ian, Eriz and Dot. Four dudes I am forever so grateful of meeting, because despite the distance, the love and affection they give me is even stronger than people I have around me. They had pushed me on my worst and they deserve every bit of my best. That was a promise.

Jesus! I even met people I had never in my life though I’d be able to be friends with. Thinking on myself being friends of several amazing artists on this comunity was totally unheard of, and here I am, talking to them everyday like what we are: friends. It’s amazing because I thought I was unworthy. But despite my negativity, deep inside there’s a voice that goes stronger and says “yes, Meredith, you’re worth it.”.

And the thing I will forever be grateful to Undertale is meeting him. A man I never thought I had in my life. But someone who really supports me and likes me for who I am. Someone I can really call a team mate. A partner. A real boyfriend I finally feel I want to stay with, because I feel as loved as I always wished to be. He’s a blessing, my blessing. These people brought back the light I had lost, and the motivation. Every follow, every comment from you all filled me with DETERMINATION to keep on, to say “no” to what was harming me, and to say “yes” to making myself happy, take decisions and move on. 

If it wasn’t for Undertale, none of these things would have happen. And I would most likely be in a puddle of the worst depression in my life. And who knows. Maybe took the worst decisions and loose myself.

It’s kind of interesting how a dude that wasn’t really believing in the strenght of his game, nor foreseeing all this explosion, created something that suddenly became the life change to so many, me included.

And I want to be that person, sometime. I want to help out. I want to share this feeling of joy to the world. The joy of a journey that, despite the pain, was the best thing that could’ve happen in my life. I want to inspire and help you all through whatever hardship you might be going through. Because you are strong, you’re worth it, you can do it!

As promised, I’ll give it all out to this comunity as long as Undertale keeps alive, through any project I still have in mind or you want to see. And when the time calls out to move on, I’ll still search out to do what’s best for all of us.

You’re all the most important things in my life. And thank you so much for your support. There’s a lot more to do, a lot more to give, and we’ll do it together!

Thank you Undertale. Thank you, Toby. Thank YOU all.

Of course I can, although I will most likely reveal the basic background, not to spoil anything from the comic @heroicworks and me are working on under the name ALTfell (Although this is most likely Swapfell, but just to difeer to the current version) Bloodberry, or SF/AF Sans is your average loud and bosy spoiled brat, with a bit of a murdery taste, a twisted way of amusement and an obsession to prove himself stronger than any monster in the Underground. This place, the Underground, diffeers from Underfell only because of the monsters swapped. Overall everyone is specially violent and darker than their natives form Underswap, most likely for the lack of hope that became hatred against humanity through the course of years; said negative emotiones spreading like a plague, specially since their Queen was very reluctant to humans and swore punishment towards them. Sans wasn’t always like that though, as the younger brother of Papyrus (Hero’s PPQ) he had a somewhat decent infancy, being under his care and protection, and sharing many good moments, Sans being quite too close of his older bro bro, that of course, until things went downhill, right after Papyrus begun his nihilistic and depressive behaivors after being aware of resets. Sans was still a child when this happened, Papyrus soon growing to absent, pushing Sans aside in the midst of his desperation, and to the point of neglecting his brother’s attention. This was a sudden but gradual change for Sans, who would not understand what was going on, why he was so... far away. Despite everything he did though, Sans was always faced with denial and pushed aside, being left alone to face the dark world of what Swapfell was, his internal turmoil and confusion soon prompting him to be consumed by the social hatred amongst the other monsters, making the younger skeleton a much more twisted version of himself. This was a gradually short process and from here, there were two important events on Sans background, events I will not be telling in it’s entirely because I want to leave it as surprise -although not a good surprise-. First one, is the day where Bloodberry got his scar, being an important day since in mid burst of idiocy, is when he found his motto: “Who needs love when you have LOVE”. I’m pretty sure you’ll know what is he talking about. The second day is much more heavy, since it involves PPQ, being this day when he swore to himself he was going to be the Number one Monster Warrior on the Underground and he was going to defiantly make Alphys and everyone bow their heads on his presence... Being this goal the only thing left worthy for him. If you want to know, as Hero said, Papyrus managed to realize what his neglection had done, but by the moment he snapped out... it was really late :(

Random things:

A little gift for a friend on Skype that roleplays as Error <3 And my AU Sans, K!Sans/Void!Sans ~ 

(The AU is inspired by Kagerou project ;) )