Apparently Aspergers

Autism Parent™: My kind won’t stop throwing tantrums

Autistic Expert: Well A) those are meltdowns NOT tantrums B) they have no control over this and C) stop touching them without their consent and forcing them into overwhelming situations

Autism Parent ™: I just want my kid to say “I love you”

Autistic Expert: They have been telling you they love you by infodumping to you and spending time in the same room as you. You just refuse to listen.

Autism Parent ™: They behave so weird. I want them to stop.

Autistic Expert: Have you ever talked to an autistic adult to learn about what autistic body language looks like? Well stop expecting them to act neurotypical, they are not. Their behavior makes actually absolutely sense for an autistic person.

Expert: Your dishwasher is really loud and makes the floor vibrate, have you tried running the dishwasher later?

Parent: My kid won’t eat

Expert: Now it could be for the forced eye contact and physical proximity of the family dinner table, it could also be a matter of texture, colour or certain tastes like bitter or sour, let’s try different things.

Parent: My kid yells when I want them to do homework straight away when we get back from school

Expert: The social part of school is draining for your child, have a nap/quiet-time then do homework

Parent: my child hates their grandfather and goes silent when we’re at their house.

Expert: Grandfather demands hugs, calls child a wierdo when they share their interests, calls them a wuss for having food preferences and keeps the tv on at high volume even during conversations, what did you expect?

Parent: My child is deliberately embarrasing me in front of my friends

Expert: It’s not about you. Children don’t set out to deliberatly embarrass their parents, that’s paranoid nonsense. Also stop dragging your child to events you know will be unpleasant to them.

Parents: I’m devastated, my child is wierd and everyone can tell and people look at me like i’m wierd and they’re not going to give me grandchildren or a wedding or become a lawyer like me and my father before me or a sports star and doesn’t like many of my interests…

Expert: You self absorbed asshole. Your child is not a mini-me, not there to fulfill your lost dreams, or fill in for adult friendships. If you can’t change and learn to appreciate what’s interesting about your kid and only see negatives and milestones that even a neurotypical child might not achieve anyway, I’m calling child services.

Parent: My kid is terrible at school, they won’t sit still in class and chatter all the time and ask the teacher lots of questions and prefer playing cards to tag

Expert: What are their grades like?

Parent: Very good,*sigh* I guess. Teachers have been quite enthusiastic but…

Expert: That’s your child’s way of focusing and socializing. You have a smart child and can’t even say so because you’re focusing on the differences again.

Parent: My child never tells me if they’re happy or sad.

Expert: Look closer, what gestures mean I’m in pain? what gestures mean i’m happy? Kid has been humming snippets of songs, tapping fingers and sat close to you but beside the sofa on the floor during this conversation. Happy, paying attention and wanting to be close to you. Right kid? You doing ok there?