apoptosis

you made your friends cry

my family says they care about me but don't say a word about the fresh cuts im my arm, nor think this is the right moment to get professional help and going back to taking meds, i was so great few months ago without them, so i can get better again, i just need to be more positive about life

at college i feel like a fraud because i can't stand being there, and even though the assignments are easy, the problem is being around people i barely know and having to pretend that i enjoy their company, anyways i don't have an official paper saying i'm completely fucked in the head to justify the weeks i was absent so this semester my grades will be worse than shit

i want this to end soon, i just need to organize some stuff before i try to do the thing that has been consuming my mind regarding this awful feeling

i probably won't have the guts to kill myself

i can't even cut deeper so the amount of blood could justify my pain

but i really wish i would die in an accident or something like that

i am tired of being the biggest burden in the family because of my mental health, if it was a physical disease i guess i would feel less guilty about this whole situation

i am being a terrible person to those around me, one of my friends tried to help me but all i could do was thank them for their kind words (i don't actually believe in such positivity, that things will get better sooner than i expect and one day i will be fine)

i know there's people who love me but i just wanted them to understand that i can't stand living this way anymore, with such a hateful mind, i can't love them back the way they deserve, or be the daughter and friend that they can rely on

if there's a god, why won't they just let me die and spare those people from seeing me like this? acting like an ungrateful bitch who complains about life when i have everything one could ask for?

you'll have to watch me struggle

from several rooms away