❛ i’m not ready to lose you yet. ❜
&. 𝐡𝐢𝐭 ‘𝐞𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐬
tw: violence
"That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day.” He hooked his index finger under Yun’s chin, chuckling as if he was just told the most brilliant joke. “You are so precious, agent Leo.” His finger swept across the other’s skin, light and playful, before pulling back. Seonmin turned as if he was going to leave, only to plant that same hand back on Yun but half a second later, this time on the other’s throat.
“You already lost me,” he said, shoving his fellow officer into the wall with a satisfyingly audible thud. “The Seonmin who was your friend...You let them kill him, didn’t you?” He jerked Yun forward, just to slam him back into the same spot with greater force. No blood stain on the concrete yet, but Seonmin could smell its sweetness in the air. He leaned closer, lips brushing past Yun’s cheek, ghosting over his ear. “He died, slow and painful. Screamed in his windowless room and nobody could hear him.” He inhaled deeply, relinquishing pain - both Yun’s and his own.
“Something walks in the dead man’s skin,” he whispered, the golden glow behind his eyes now too sinister to be reminiscent of the warm sunlight. “And it makes his brother weep. It shocks the girl who loves and begs for anger from the best friend’s knife.” The grip around Yun’s neck tightened and fingers no longer sought to hold, but instead, to crush. “You let it happen and never even felt sorry. Nobody expected you to save me, Bai Yun, but you could have refrained from betraying me. I really trusted you.”
Eventually he dropped Yun, when the other’s cheeks turned red and his eyes glassy. Seonmin flexed his fingers, still clearly deep in thought, as he crouched down so their eyes could meet again. “Why am I so mean in your dream?” Seonmin tilted his head inquisitively. “Is this even a nightmare? Perhaps we should call it a sweet dream instead, since you actually enjoy crazy me so much.”
Back to reality, the room they were in was very similar to the one featured in Yun’s dream. Seonmin, officer Dusk, had his head resting on Yun’s lap. He flipped through the pages of the romance novel he’d picked up from the public library quietly under the dull light, eyes scanning past each sentence at a speed that showed an obvious lack of interest. Love and lust, described so blandly, almost repetitively...he wondered why the girl at the library showed such enthusiasm recommending it.
"Awake already?” He rolled around to face Yun when he detected the other’s subtle movements. “It’s only four.” Seonmin put the book aside and lifted his hand to dab at his friend’s perspiring forehead. “Nightmare?” He asked. “No need to worry, I am watching over you.”
Gentleness was in his voice, just as it was in his smile.
Yours to borrow, but not yours to own.
It seemed like Bai Yun was only ever truly honest with Seonmin in his dreams. After all, he could afford to be honest in the safety of his dreams. He didn’t have to worry about compromising the integrity of his mission or, better yet, compromising himself with the thoughts he’d banished to the nether regions of his mind.
Thoughts that haunted him like the golden glow of Seonmin’s eyes.
Because Seonmin was his mission. Had been his mission since he’d tenderly cupped the older man’s check and promised him that everything would be okay even as they stood in the middle of his prison cell. Back then Leo hadn’t cared enough to see whether or not Seonmin had believed his lie. His fate had already been sealed the moment he’d been captured at the manor - everything else was simply a courtesy to help ease the transition.
Yet even that lie had been an anomaly for Leo - a kindness that he wouldn’t bother offering anyone else even though he’d been tasked with trying to sway his loyalties. But memories were a bitch and Leo couldn’t deny the relief he felt knowing that Seonmin would soon forget everything.
It was better this way.
Leo was living proof of that after all. What use were all of Seonmin’s attachments when he had so much power thrumming in his veins? Enough power that he could grab the world by the throat and simply take what he wanted.
Seonmin would forget and Leo would help. They would forget together as the government brought the rebellion to heel. It was such a lovely thought that he almost wished he could’ve reassured Seonmin of this fact. Instead, he was there when Officer Dusk awoke, flashing him his dimpled smile as he welcomed him back.
And it was easier then.
Easier to lie when all he was doing was helpfully filling in the gaps in Seonmin’s memory while filling up the void within himself. Easier to ignore the minor hesitation that would occasionally cloud Dusk’s vision even as he glowed golden by his side. Easier in the end for Leo to forget what was real and what wasn’t.
And maybe that was the problem. He was forgetting what he was supposed to forget. Or was it that he was misremembering what he was supposed to know? He couldn’t tell anymore. All he knew was that the Seonmin in his dreams and the agent Dusk of his reality were suddenly blurring and he couldn’t tell which he craved more - the cruelty of one or the gentleness of the other.
So all Leo did was laugh, still sounding a little breathless and wrecked as he woke up from his dream, fingers curling tight around Seonmin’s wrist.
“My ge is always the best,” he gasped out, words slipping out before he could even make sense of who he really meant the words for. But it didn’t matter - not when he still had Seonmin trapped beside him and his words rang true either way. Even the feeling of phantom bruises forming around his neck couldn’t stop him from smiling up at Seonmin, not as his grip tightened just a little more.
“This is why you’re stuck with me.”
