On the days she cant be here its hard when i have vivi by myself. I love mu daughter a lot but she triggered my flare up today really badly bc i was drawing and resting and she was having a meltdown about it and then i started freaking out about it too

Because i almost never actually get to do anything to relax when shes here. I cant shower without her crying, i cant take a shit without her banging on the door, i cant sleep unless my body forces me unconscious, i cant draw, cant watch tv, cant paint, cant read, cant write, cant cook or clean, and cant play the games

Bc she wants to be included in EVERYTHING. To the point she'll stop her activity and invade mine. And this freaks me out bc im on a constant state of physical discomfort and pain, and i cant even mentally decompress with it when shes around. So she was yelling that she hates me and wants to go to her dads house and I started yelling at her back bc its been five years snd every time i try to take a bit of space so we can coexist she acts like she wants to crawl into my skin

And im a codependent sonvabitch so that would be welcomed if it didnt require so much of my blood. I ended up being able to make 3 shitty comics today i thought were funny.

This is why i liked it when her ipad was entertaining bc id get literally maybe a single hour, sometimes two, where i get time to be a person when shes around. Shes like a draining black hole and it's not her fault, she didnt ask to be here, and she didnt ask to be exactly like me. Everyday I understand why i was passed between five different households regularly because it takes SO much out of you.

What bothers me the most is us sitting together isnt considered spending time to her. We'll be straight up chilling and I'll be having a good time thinking maybe my life isnt so bad and maybe i deserve to be alive and enjoying it, and then she'll yank on my arm or kick me in the stomach or roll on me or lay on my pelvis even tho I've told her a million times not to become i have a pelvic organ prolapse and i dont want my shit to keep falling out! And then she starts crying bc apparently shes bored and i dont love her and she doesnt have anyone to play with

And its like. I havent had her home recently bc ive been under a lot of stress and been very angry about mu situation an the last thing i wanna do is snap on her for no reason

Like all these issues are bc she likes me so much, and wants to emulate me, and wants to spend quality time together doing her preferred activities (which makes me mad bc when i do try to play with her she doesnt take turns and when i get bored and keep doing my owj thing she starts crying), and she's always been a velcro baby

But having her around is so unnecessarily painful. I think if i loved her 10% less id run away in the middle of the night and go out to a field somewhere to kill myself. Like its unbearable to have her around and i can't articulate to her that she's killing me when she didnt ask to be here. And then ofc i feel guilty bc she was a very wanted baby, i still love my child but I think I love her significantly more as a concept than who she currently is. Because who she currently is someone who consistently deals me a lot of complex pain

Like o used to think my mama was just abusive for no reason and that I didn't deserve it, and I thought it was strange that she was very clearly afraid of me. And now that im older i find myself asking in the exact same ways, initially gently, then with my teeth, for some space, and then get the fuck off me when asking for it ten times doesnt work

The difference is that i dont push or punch vivi away when sje doesnt listen.

I hope when she gets older i can explain this to her and i hope we can just relax and watch movies together and play games together snd do sticker activities that doesnt require her to put her kneecap in my stomach or scream because im laying on the bed without her.