There has been a second death since you once again chose the coward’s path. The death of a connection and friendship I used to hold so dear. There is no future where we exist in the way we used to. Even our time together then was so infrequent and confusing that it further drives home that the quality of our friendship was entirely created and maintained by me. By my emotional labor. You live in your fantasy world where nothing ever ends as long as you refuse it. No door ever closes, no consequence is received, nothing is lost. You ignore the strain you have caused, you claim my importance to you while making no effort to repair lost trust or to build a new version of our friendship. As usual it is completely up to me to be the keeper and the bridge. I will not do it anymore. Trying to recall the way I felt about you, while you pretend with this new distraction feels so much like trying to recreate a childhood memory of a favorite place visited. Only to return as an adult and find it unfamiliar. Everything is smaller, the walls are the wrong color, the magic is gone. It is the pain of realizing something can now only exist in your memory. That is where you exist for me. You have stood still for so long, too afraid to ever take a chance. What you did not realize is that your inaction was still a decision, leaving millions of doors closed forever. Now your decisions have led you here. You will rot in a town you never wanted to live in. You will stay in empty, unsatisfying relationships with people who are either too self absorbed or too dull to trigger your fears of inadequacy and abandonment. You have built your prison brick by brick. So many times I offered you a way out. You refused me. You made me feel worthless. My mistake then was trying to prove to you that I did have worth and value. When I should have walked away and taken my light with me. I never should have given you access to me while you gave me nothing but false hope and a fractured nervous system.
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