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he did have a choice,Ā luther thinks.Ā because itās the same choice that luther has while he was on the moon,Ā the same choice that he thought about far too often ā- but he came to the same conclusion that five did,Ā too.Ā all his work couldnāt be for nothing,Ā this whole life where he was destined to be a superhero couldnāt go to waste all because he couldnāt handle the solitude.Ā luther thinks about fiveās experiences, and heās reminded how glad he is that theyāve both made it to the other side of that suffering.Ā āĀ ā-Ā you had to choose to live every day,Ā āĀ he notes,Ā a bit quieter now,Ā and itās almost as if heās speaking to himself.Ā āĀ i donāt think thatās for nothing.Ā ā Ā heās trying to tell him that he thinks heās strong, brave.Ā maybe if luther had known five was out there,Ā choosing to live every day instead of letting the world swallow him too,Ā he mightāve been stronger on the moon with a little inspiration from his brother.Ā that might be too much to tell him out loud, though.Ā āĀ i know our training probably helped you out there,Ā but ā-Ā i bet thatās not all.Ā ā Ā because five was always better than all of them; luther used to resent him for it, but now he sees that he probably kicked the apocalypseās ass just as luther had seen him do here.
luther leans his head back and rolls his eyes at his words,Ā a reminder of another thing that he figured out a lot easier than him.Ā driving was no simple task for luther to learn ā- piloting a spaceship was much more his speed.Ā āĀ yeah, well, try learning with other drives on the road.Ā and dad in the passengerās seat making that scowl ā-Ā you know the one, Ā like heās lecturing you without having to say anything at all.Ā iām not even sure why he let me learn,Ā or why he taught me.Ā guess he was bored.Ā ā Ā maybe part of him does understand it, though:Ā it was for reginaldās own benefit, as everything was, and he scared him enough to make sure luther never felt compelled to take a car out on his own and leave that home behind for good. Ā
when five insists that he likes it, luther looks out again, his mind quickly changing.Ā if five can find the beauty in it,Ā then so can luther.Ā āĀ maybe youāre right.Ā iāve spent a whole lot of time looking at a whole lot of nothing.Ā ā Ā and space is the most beautiful place there is; heās known it since he was a child ā- but itās still a lot of nothing, a lot of emptiness and no life.Ā thatās not the same here, and he can appreciate it for that. Ā he sees other families around,Ā no two brothers looking like the two of them,Ā but he can see them all enjoying it together,Ā and heās reminded of how grateful he is to be here with five now.Ā it doesnāt matter what landmark they were looking at.Ā it could be nothing but a pothole, but as long as he was with five, itās a reminder of the life he still gets to live.Ā āĀ hey,Ā thanks for letting me come along.Ā iām glad i got to see it.Ā ā Ā itās not about this, though ā itās about getting to make up for some lost time with his brother. Ā
he remembers what it was like to land in the ā60s, all alone, no idea where the rest of his siblings were ā-Ā especially viktor,Ā who had just been cradled in his arms and was suddenly lost in time and space.Ā he remembers that fear,Ā the fear of knowing it should be his responsibility to protect him especially after all luther had done to him, only to have lost him, wondering if it was his fault.Ā but there was some strange solace in not finding the rest of his siblings, eitherā-Ā like maybe thatās how it was supposed to be,Ā that maybe heād find them again when he had worked to better himself and could prove to his siblings he was worth having around. Ā the not knowing helped him,Ā in a way.Ā but if he had seen his siblingsā bodies and lost one of them,Ā heās not sure he could live with that knowledge.Ā he hadnāt really considered that five hadnāt found everyone. Ā āĀ sorry,Ā ā Ā he mumbles softly. Ā he almost says,Ā ā i remember how close you two were, āĀ but he quickly realizes heās not sure if thatās actually the truth.Ā he remembers viktor leaving things out for him in case he returned, but before thatā-Ā he wasnāt paying much attention to who hung around who,Ā so he lets it go.Ā a soft smile tugs at his lips as they talk about the book that meant so much to him, even if it might not have started that way.Ā āĀ no, you werenāt.Ā not even sure we were the only ones,Ā āĀ he admits.Ā āĀ uh,Ā no.Ā iāve never told him.Ā ā Ā he hadnāt even considered.Ā maybe he should have, with how hard diego was on him when they first reunited.Ā maybe thatās when he should have stood up for viktor.Ā he wasnāt always good at that,Ā he only seemed to get worse after that,Ā before he could get better.Ā āĀ when dad diedā-Ā you know, before you came out of thin air, literallyāĀ āĀ he starts, shrugging his shoulders.Ā āĀ guess it was the first time viktor had seen any of us since the book.Ā wasnāt exactly pretty.Ā they all said what they needed to.Ā i dunno.Ā yāknow, when i first read it,Ā i was just confused.Ā kept circling things that i didnāt remember the same way,Ā making notes to ask dad about,Ā butā- never really had the courage.Ā probably because i noticed he never opened his,Ā ā Ā he admits.Ā āĀ i was confused back then.Ā i guess, after the fourth or fifth time of reading it while i was up thereĀ .Ā .Ā .Ā it started to make a bit more sense.Ā and i didnāt know what to do with that.Ā ā Ā didnāt know how to admit to himself that viktor was opening his eyes to things that he had been too blind to understand before.Ā fiveās right,Ā it would have meant a lot to viktor, heās sure.Ā he was just too stubborn to say anything.Ā āĀ i didnāt, though.Ā just like i didnāt hate anyone for leaving, even thoughā-Ā even though i wanted to.Ā ā Ā maybe deep down, he always understood, even if he wasnāt ready to accept it himself. Ā ā Ā ā-Ā hope i didnāt disappoint you too much with the things you read about me,Ā ā Ā he notes with a soft smile.Ā
āĀ an asshole is more like it,Ā āĀ he corrects with a laugh.Ā he looks out at the view again as five recalls the memory,Ā his face lighting up as he starts to remember himself ā- something he hadnāt thought about in quite sometime now.Ā heās surprisedĀ ( and touched, really )Ā that five remembers it. Ā āĀ yeah,Ā yeah.Ā i remember.Ā i kept telling you to get on with it,Ā and you were ignoring me.Ā i had to do something, ā Ā he insists, his grin growing.Ā āĀ and i had to get the guy out of the way anyway.Ā two-for-one.Ā hey,Ā see,Ā we made a pretty good tag-team,Ā right?Ā ā Ā the thought of five laughing about it later makes him even happier.Ā maybe they did have some good memories through all of that, after all.Ā those memories were made by them, not by what their father made them doā- and he canāt take that away from them.Ā he scoffs, turning to look at him ā- finding fiveās smile even more contagious.Ā āĀ oh,Ā you sure as hell did.Ā i knew you could handle it, anyway.Ā i always did.Ā āĀ Ā
luther looks down, because itās maybe the first time that heās ever heard that out loudĀ (Ā at least the first time heās heard it and actually believed it, too much time convincing himself that what his father did to him was out of the good of his heart, and that he should be grateful, like he was in debt to him.Ā )Ā he doesnāt say anything about it,Ā because heās not sure where to even start.Ā heās always resented himself for what he was turned into.Ā heās always felt displaced, disconnected from the man he was supposed to be or could have been.Ā āĀ ā- you noticed right away, didnāt you?Ā ā Ā he asks quietly.Ā he tried so hard to keep himself covered, but five seemed to have clocked him right away, only for luther to find out later on.Ā āĀ i used to be ashamed,Ā ā Ā he admits, his brows furrowing before he shakes his head.Ā āĀ maybe i still am.Ā iām never going to be normal.Ā guess thereās comfort in knowing none of us ever will be.Ā ā Ā for once,Ā he doesnāt feel alone.Ā and he knows itās not too far off for five, too.Ā he finally looks back at him and nods his head.Ā āĀ weāre a couple of goofs,Ā huh? me,Ā lookinā like thisĀ .Ā .Ā . Ā ā Ā ape, but heās never felt right calling himself that;Ā the second he says it out loud himself, he loses the humanity of his body.Ā āĀ ā- with my 13-year-old older brother,Ā ā Ā he notes,Ā letting out a soft laugh, trying to make light of it.Ā āĀ i know the others can never understand what i went through.Ā butā-Ā feels like i can talk to you about it,Ā āĀ he admits.Ā meaning,Ā he understands that five can resonate, being in the wrong body.Ā hopefully that will show him he can open up too,Ā if he wishes.
he hadnāt realized that he admitted to writing poetry.Ā he had decided to never tell anyone, yet things are coming out easily with five.Ā maybe itās the comfort of being free for the first time in their lives ā- or maybe itās just that he knows five can understand him on a level the others canāt.Ā āĀ yeah,Ā donāt tell diego that.Ā iāll never hear the end of it,Ā āĀ he insists.Ā āĀ i did, anyway.Ā been a few years since i tried.Ā kinda lost the inspiration,Ā ā Ā he admits.Ā but it got him through for a while, before his poems turned darker and darkerā and eventually, to nothing.Ā Ā
he wants to scream at the question.Ā not at five,Ā but because itās a question that heās asked himself over and over for the past few monthsĀ (Ā and even before then,Ā before he realized who reginald really was,Ā and before he was willing to admit that he hurt him.Ā )Ā everything in him is telling him to just say āyesā and move on.Ā but after everything, heās only gotten worse at lyingā- especially to himself.Ā āĀ i donāt think so.Ā āĀ itās barely loud enough to hear.Ā āĀ thatās bullshit, isnāt it?Ā i should.Ā i should hate him.Ā i want to hate him.Ā he just ā- ā Ā he rolls his eyes and scoffs.Ā āĀ makes it so damn hard, doesnāt he?Ā āĀ in some ways,Ā he does.Ā he hates him for everything he did to him,Ā everything he took from him,Ā everything he kept him from,Ā but thereās still part of luther that wants to badly for it all to go away,Ā for reginald to tell him that their relationship hadnāt been a lie and he truly believed in him all alongĀ ā-Ā and heās still in that cycle of only resenting himself because he doesnāt know how to put it all on reginald.Ā Ā
he thinks over his question for a moment,Ā remembering the days before his accident.Ā he buried those feelings so deep because he had to,Ā he had to focus on the moon missionĀ (Ā but that was reginaldās plan, wasnāt it?Ā to make him forget about the opportunities elsewhere.Ā )Ā āĀ i think part of me was ready to leave home,Ā you know,Ā before i got hurt.Ā klaus had broken in one night.Ā didnāt really hit me ātil he was gone again that i realized how badly i wanted to be around people again.Ā i thought about going,Ā and thenā- Ā ā Ā their father made sure he had no reason to. Ā āĀ then when i was on the moon,Ā wellā- i guess itās like you were saying.Ā i didnāt want all those days to be for nothing.Ā ā Ā
he hadnāt considered living to be a choice.Ā Ā by all accounts it was,Ā Ā and one that had taken a long and arduous series of smaller events in order to actually succeed.Ā Ā but his family hadnāt deserved their fate and maybe he did,Ā Ā he still wasnāt sure,Ā Ā but it wasnāt about him.Ā Ā it wasnāt about his choices.Ā Ā it never had been.Ā Ā if it had been about what he wanted,Ā Ā five thought he would have curled up next to them,Ā Ā right at the start,Ā Ā and put a stop to things long before he ever had to endure forty-five years of suffering.Ā Ā āĀ Ā noĀ Ā ...Ā Ā i suppose itās not.Ā Ā ā Ā the onlyĀ reason it wasnāt for nothing was because his family was standing here alive.Ā Ā they were safe,Ā Ā everything else wasĀ Ā ...Ā Ā just noise.Ā Ā five takes the compliment with a gracious nod,Ā Ā āĀ Ā i managed.Ā Ā i learned how to adapt fairly early on.Ā Ā to be honest,Ā Ā our training had more of an impact when i was with the commission.Ā Ā however,Ā Ā in my younger years i had enough spite.Ā Ā i wanted to prove dad wrong,Ā Ā show him i could control time.Ā Ā there were times i wondered if he intentionally instilled that spite.Ā Ā ā Ā fiveās lips twist somewhere in between a grimace and strained smile,Ā Ā āĀ Ā but thatās giving reginald too much credit.Ā Ā eventually i realized he was just a bitter old man and likely all the things he did that made me detest him werenāt for some ulterior motive.Ā Ā they were just because he was a horrible person and even worse father.Ā Ā ā
it had been a hard pill to swallowĀ Ā āĀ Ā it meant that the pain he endured at the academy didnāt meanĀ anything.Ā Ā it wasnāt to make him stronger or more resilient or special,Ā Ā it was pointless.Ā Ā it was just pain,Ā Ā plain and simple.Ā Ā five looks over at him,Ā Ā almost doubtful.Ā Ā he didnāt think luther was lying but it was hard to imagine their father taking the time out of his oh so important day to spend with any of them,Ā Ā let alone to teachĀ one of them how to drive.Ā Ā it had been obvious that lutherās relationship with their father had always been different from fiveās own.Ā Ā he supposed if he were to do it with any of them,Ā Ā it made sense that it was luther.Ā Ā āĀ Ā dadĀ taught you how to drive ?Ā Ā i bet he took you down 8th street didnāt he ?Ā Ā the road you can never turn left onto because of all the traffic ?Ā Ā ā Ā five had only known about it because of the number of cars that remained on the road in the apocalypse,Ā Ā itād been more than any other he saw clustered in one location.Ā
āĀ Ā youāre telling me.Ā Ā ā Ā five mutters in agreement,Ā Ā shaking his head with a small sigh.Ā Ā heād missed this,Ā Ā the feeling he got in his stomach when he stared out at the reminder of how long the earth had existed before them and how long it would exist after them.Ā Ā at least now that they had saved it.Ā Ā luther had a lot to do with it too,Ā Ā more than five knew how to admit.Ā Ā if he were here alone,Ā Ā he thinks that he likely would have already turned around and left.Ā Ā but now he finds himself examining every little crack in the canyon,Ā Ā trying to buy more time with his brother.Ā Ā fiveās lips press into a thin line,Ā Ā eyebrows narrowing as he slouches,Ā Ā āĀ Ā yeah.Ā Ā thanks for coming.Ā Ā i wasnāt sure youād want to.Ā Ā ā Ā most days five spent waiting for his siblings to tell him they wanted nothing more to do with him.Ā Ā it had always felt a little too good to be true that they put up with him when their imminent doom was on the horizon.Ā Ā when it wasnātĀ Ā ...Ā Ā they didnāt needĀ him anymore.
fiveās mouth opens and then closes,Ā Ā lump forming in his throat.Ā Ā what was he supposed to say ?Ā Ā that there was no point apologizing for something that hadnāt been lutherās fault ?Ā Ā that no amount of sorrys could ever make up for what he had been through ?Ā Ā heād screamed so loud heād been without a voice that first week,Ā Ā calling for his brother who was nowhere to be found.Ā Ā begging the universe that he was alive out there,Ā Ā that not finding his body had been a blessing.Ā Ā in the end it had only been another horror in his waking nightmareĀ Ā :Ā Ā the umbrella academy nothing more than a haunted house and him the poor soul stuck being haunted by it.Ā Ā he finally swallows the lump down,Ā Ā āĀ Ā me too.Ā Ā it is what it is.Ā Ā iām just glad no one else had to deal with it.Ā Ā ā
heād gotten off good when it came to viktorās book.Ā Ā there were still harsh truths written about him,Ā Ā but it wasnāt all bad.Ā Ā heād benefitted from that fact that people always saw their lost loved ones in a better light.Ā Ā viktor had described him asĀ Ā āprone to arrogance and outburstsāĀ Ā but heād also pointed out that five was the only one impervious to reginaldās manipulation.Ā Ā it spoke of how they confided in one another,Ā Ā how they trusted each other.Ā Ā viktor had been fiveās best friend for years and then he blinked,Ā Ā and now the younger brother he had once told everything,Ā Ā sometimes felt like a stranger.Ā Ā he mourned what they might have been had he never run away,Ā Ā maybe viktor wouldnāt have been so lonely,Ā Ā so miserable all those years at the academy.Ā Ā maybe the world would have never ended.Ā Ā maybe that meant the world ending was fiveās fault.Ā Ā maybe the both of them would have gone on to find some semblance of happiness in their lives instead of an all-consuming darkness that ate away at them day after lonely day.Ā Ā after growing up in a house with six siblings,Ā Ā five had never gotten used to the quiet.Ā Ā āĀ Ā one of the first things he said to me when i got back was that he should have never written it.Ā Ā he never wanted to hurt anyone,Ā Ā he was just angry and sad.Ā Ā iām not sure he realized how much it would affect you all.Ā Ā ā Ā five was grateful that he had,Ā Ā but if he went back in time and changed it,Ā Ā heād try to convince viktor to leave their siblings out of it.Ā Ā he was all for exposing their father,Ā Ā but he didnāt think their own problems needed to be put on display for the world to see.Ā Ā still,Ā Ā heād take it over the alternative of it never being written.Ā Ā in many ways,Ā Ā it kept him alive,Ā Ā made him feel less alone on the worst nights.Ā
five chuckles lightly,Ā Ā āĀ Ā i had a lot of time to be angry for him.Ā Ā there were nights i sat awake and thought about throttling all of you for never reaching out to him butĀ Ā ...Ā Ā ā Ā he had never been able to stay mad at them.Ā Ā heād imagine their faces and his chest would tighten and all heād be able to think about was everything he had lost.Ā Ā his jaw tightens at the memory and heās quick to move on,Ā Ā āĀ Ā i knew what it was like to be part of the academy.Ā Ā viktor didnāt see it for what it really was and reginald went out of his way to keep him separate.Ā Ā mostly,Ā Ā i was just pissed at dad.Ā Ā besides,Ā Ā ā Ā he grins,Ā Ā making it obvious that his next words are only a joke,Ā Ā āĀ Ā i was used to being disappointed by all of you.Ā Ā ā
his grin quickly turns into something far more genuine,Ā Ā the type of smile he usually reserved for when he was alone.Ā Ā maybe it was about time he began trusting the others enough to allow himself to feelĀ anything when he was with them.Ā Ā āĀ Ā i had a good reason to ignore you. i was going to trick two of them into shooting each other before you messed up my plan.Ā Ā āĀ Ā heād come up with everything last minute,Ā Ā heād been proud of how heād thought of something so foolproof in such a short amount of time.Ā Ā he was certain it was a move that would prove how talented he was.Ā Ā now,Ā five was glad it had gone the way it had instead.Ā Ā āĀ Ā yeah, yeah i guess we did.Ā Ā imagine what we could do if we actually planned.Ā Ā ā Ā perhaps that was one of many downfalls in their familyĀ Ā :Ā Ā they were all both each otherās greatest strength and biggest weakness.Ā Ā āĀ Ā oh iām aware.Ā Ā i figured that out after all the times you glared at me during training when i came in first.Ā Ā ā Ā there had been nights five wondered if luther hated him for always finding a way to adapt,Ā Ā a loophole in their fatherās instructions.Ā Ā āĀ Ā it seemed a whole lot like knowing i could handle whatever you threw at me was your biggest issue with me.Ā Ā ā
he frowns,Ā Ā eyes falling as memories flooded himĀ Ā :Ā Ā the blood on the glass eye,Ā Ā the crushed bones beneath the rubble,Ā Ā the way his lungs had burned after just dragging one of them out.Ā Ā five thought he would have figured it out even if he hadnāt spent any time in the apocalypse,Ā Ā but he hadnāt noticed that there was something far too different about lutherās bodyĀ just because he was observant.Ā Ā āĀ Ā it was obvious.Ā Ā ā Ā he bristles at his own words,Ā Ā as if he hadnāt expected them to fall out.Ā Ā were it anyone else,Ā Ā he likely would have just left it at that.Ā Ā five not wanting to talk about howĀ he had known so quickly didnāt mean that his brother didnāt deserve to know.Ā Ā āĀ Ā andĀ Ā ...Ā Ā ā Ā he takes a small breath,Ā Ā āĀ Ā when i found all of you dead,Ā Ā i wanted to move everyone from beneath the rubble.Ā Ā i tried to forget it butĀ Ā ...Ā Ā i couldnāt.Ā Ā ā Ā his expression strains,Ā Ā heād never thought he would talk about this in such detail.Ā Ā never expected to talk about anything that had happened during those 45 years.Ā Ā āĀ Ā your shirt had been ruined in your fight to save the world.Ā Ā when i started to move the rubble off your body so i could bury you,Ā Ā the clothes ended up in an even worse state.Ā Ā i didnāt know what happened to you but i saw you were different.Ā Ā ā
this time,Ā Ā five doesnāt laugh along with his brother and he canāt find it in him to even offer an attempt of a smile.Ā Ā āĀ Ā i feel trapped.Ā Ā ā Ā he stares down at the palm of his hand,Ā Ā folding it into a fist,Ā Ā āĀ Ā and itās made worse by everything up here.Ā Ā ā Ā he motions to his head,Ā Ā āĀ Ā do you have any idea how different the brain functions at 13 instead of 58 ?Ā Ā extremely.Ā Ā ā Ā it was as if every second he had to fight his own impulsivity and remind himself to step outside of the body he was in and tryĀ to construct what his first thought might have been had he been in the correct body.Ā Ā it was exhausting.Ā Ā āĀ Ā iāve accepted that no one will ever see me for what i am.Ā Ā ā Ā he thought that it would make it easier.Ā Ā it didnāt.Ā Ā heād gotten better at responding to comments about his youth,Ā Ā when strangers referred to him as things likeĀ āyoung manā or claimed that he sure actedĀ āmature for his ageā.Ā Ā now,Ā Ā heād often just ignore them.Ā Ā but the sharp pain that came with the reminders of his mistake had yet to fade.Ā Ā at this point he was convinced it never would.Ā Ā five sighs,Ā Ā āĀ Ā maybe one day,Ā Ā i can accept it too.Ā Ā maybe the both of us will figure it out.Ā Ā ā Ā with time,Ā Ā everything could change,Ā Ā and not just in a bad way.Ā Ā there was a chance,Ā Ā albeit a small one,Ā Ā but a chance nonetheless.
āĀ nowās as good a time as any to start up again.Ā Ā poets seem to think that the end of the world would be perfect inspiration.Ā Ā ā Ā thereās only a hint of bitterness in his tone and itās by no means directed at his brother.Ā Ā in his short time back heād learned so much media revolved around end of the world stories.Ā Ā what people didnāt understand was that there simply werenāt anyĀ stories that survived.Ā Ā not really.Ā Ā āĀ Ā it could help you process what it was like on the moon.Ā Ā ā Ā he knows heās being hypocritical,Ā Ā if someone thrust a page and a pen in his hands and told him to journal about his isolation,Ā Ā he was certain heād laugh in their face.Ā Ā five wouldnāt even know where to begin.
āĀ Ā itās not bullshit.Ā Ā ā Ā five mulls over the question for longer than heād like to admit,Ā Ā āĀ Ā dad made it hard for youĀ to hate him.Ā Ā ā Ā he doesnāt say it to make himself sound better or as if luther was the only one to be manipulated by their fatherās actions.Ā Ā that would be a gross simplification of what occured in the academy.Ā Ā āĀ Ā he needed you on his side.Ā Ā if number one hated him,Ā Ā itād all come crashing down.Ā Ā so he did everything he could to keep you under his thumb.Ā Ā thereās a reason you knew he had a favorite tree and the rest of us didnāt.Ā Ā ā Ā they were all manipulated in different ways by reginald.Ā Ā Ignored,Ā Ā locked away,Ā Ā and in some casesĀ Ā :Ā Ā shown an imitation of love that for a group of kids that had never known the love a parent,Ā Ā felt genuine.Ā Ā such a thing would make it hard to hate him.Ā Ā āĀ Ā word of advice from someone who spent decades hating the guy ?Ā Ā it doesnāt fix what he did.Ā Ā but it does make it a hell of a lot easier not to trust him.Ā Ā do with that what you will.Ā Ā ā Ā what heās really trying to say is something along the lines ofĀ Ā iāll carry the weight of hating him for the both of us until you decide. until then, iāll be there to remind you that you canāt trust him.
he nods solemnly,Ā Ā of course reginald wouldnāt have wanted to let him go.Ā Ā heād never wanted any of them to have a real chance at living their lives.Ā Ā itās why any real fun occurred when sneaking behind his back.Ā Ā āĀ Ā any ideas for what you want to do now that youāve got your whole life ahead of youĀ ?Ā Ā anywhere you were thinking of going back when you first considered leaving the academy ?Ā Ā ā
