i’m so pumped to get my degree and then get tf out of texas. maybe even this god damn country. fuck the united states

these past few days have been so rough for everyone :( i’ve been out of state since yesterday for my grandmas funeral and my mom has been sad and anxious and i’ve been trying to do school work and i have a big presentation wednesday and I hate public speaking :( my brother was watching dakota today while i did some work and i guess he fell and hit his face and his nose is so swollen and turning black and blue. then when i was getting ready to shower w him he slipped and fell into the tub w the shower running. he has been so crazy since we got here just constantly trying to get out of the hotel room or screaming running around like a crazy man so i missed out on the service today and most likely will tomorrow too bc he is so loud and won’t stay still. i don’t know if he can tell that i’m stressed and we’re in a new place so maybe that’s why he has been so wild it’s just a lot. i atleast got a bulk of what’s due done, basically whatever is due tomorrow and my project but i have something’s due on wednesday by midnight, i need to do notes bc i missed class, need to work on a discussion post and do some corrections for homework. i’m getting into the thick of things where i’m being graded on things like my actual work like papers and stuff that’s not so easy so idk if my grades are going to start changing cause i have straight a’s right now just from doing tests. but i can’t really do anything to correct a paper (my peer reviews said that my paper was amazing and they wouldn’t change a thing) and for the presentation i worked hard on my research & presentation but I have never been good at public speaking. like i know my voice will shake and i will be a mess but worse case scenario i get so anxious i literally won’t be able to get words out. i’m just excited for wednesday to be be over with honestly. and today was hard mom day as well. i feel horrible when i snap at dakota cause i know he just wants to play and be loved and get my attention which is why he does things he’s not supposed to bc that’s when i go pick him up or talk to him when i’m doing homework bc it breaks my focus. i just have really had a hard few days :( i know it’s all just a fleeting moment and in a week or two things will settle again. all i can do is try to do better. i did get a big ol tattoo recently lol which is cool and i love it. it’s the biggest tattoo i have & the most expensive lmao. but it’s also one of my most meaningful tattoos which makes me happy.

i’m literally getting so stressed out over school not even bc i have so much to do but bc i feel like unless i am on top of certain teachers they fuck shit up and then i have to email them in every form and like get so much anxiety bc they aren’t paying attention to shit

hehe my first week of school is over woohoo ~ i have to work on saturday which kinda sucks bc i like my job but since i had covid i didn’t work for like a full almost 2 weeks & my next shift is w two girls who i haven’t met yet. idk if i’m gonna keep my job or not bc if i do i have to find daycare for koko on the weekend which would be out of my pocket which would mean i’m simply working to afford the care he will need the days i’m working lmao besides just daycare during the week. also that would mean not seeing him for even more time :( bc rn i have 5 classes and for the first few weeks it’s gonna be in person and online but as long as covid doesn’t get crazy all my classes except one will be in person so i’ll be spending all day at school & koko will have to be in daycare basically all day. so if i work on weekends then he will need a sitter and that’s just so much time apart & for whaaaat ya know. life is good though, i’m never on here anymore bc tiktok has taken over my life in terms of social media lmao. and pinterest is my go to now for anything aesthetic related. if anyone even reads this, do you guys looove euphoria bc i LOOOVE EUPHORIA. rue is probably the character i relate to the most…for obvious reasons…also i have an appointment w my psychiatrist on the 26th and i’m hoping she will be able to help me get something for this project that’s due the very first day we meet in person for my frameworks class and i hate public speaking w all my heart. i’m like maybe just a cute lil kpin or a baby xan pls and then i hopefully will not lose my shit in front of these ppl that i’m just now seeing for the first time -_- so far i’ve only been to my math classes in person and i really like that class even tho i’ve been behind in math since the 8th grade bc i moved in the middle of the school year, i like low key really like math. it’s like a puzzle once you know what ur doing. and i need all A’s (maybe a b but preferably all a’s) or else i’m gonna have to like take the classes over again bc nursing major w a minor in women and gender studies 0:-) which is my 2nd fave class rn <3 during our zoom meeting ppl kept leaving the class & i couldn’t help but feel like it’s bc they don’t want to learn about feminism and gender & all that stuff that is literally so fascinating!! life has been good tho :) i’m supposed to go out with some ppl saturday night when i get off work & idk if i’m looking forward to it that much mostly bc the last time i got drunk i was viciously hungover the next day to the point that i could barely move and i tried drinking lots of water & eating but nothing helped and i have to do some school work sunday so i rlly gotta be more chill this time around or else i will 100% regret it. okay i’m gonna try & sleep now. night night

my brain hurts from all the thinking to day -_-

it’s so incredibly unfair how dylan was doing better and was sober when he died BC of drugs and the damage they did to his body, but other people get to use and be ACTUAL shitty fucking people and live on. and say the ~hope~ they die. like fuck you. you truly don’t deserve to fucking be here. and dylan did and if y’all could switch places i would do anything for that to happen. that sounds shitty but oh fucking well.