Loneliness Is Still Time Spent With The World

I take milk thistle as if it is a prescribed daily medication

I care about my health, but not enough to ditch the watermelon 5% flavored vape I drove an hour and a half to get tonight

Only wanting it because I knew it would be accompanied by Tito’s

That I never wanted, either

But taking lexapro, that I am not actually personally prescribed, wipes me of emotion

And it scares ms to not care

I don’t like being tethered to you, yearning is what I know…

It feels weird to be so content, so happy, so carefree…

I go about my days, in San Diego

I wake up in my king bed with 1000 thread count sheets, to sunlight, the cutest big dog, healthy food in the fridge, my mom who tells me how nice it is that I am home, offering me her credit card to buy groceries for myself as if it is a favor to her

A ‘welcome home Rach! Love you’ sign from my sister who begs me to stay a second longer in her room to watch Love Island

A brother who let me do his entire gym routine with him today, demonstrating and telling me I am doing good

My grandparents calling me from the hospital to ask how my trip was, as if that is the only concern

It is impossible to not feel loved here in this life I have, that I have always taken for granted

But it also feels wrong to move on or not care about her

I don’t want to let go

I make myself miserable sometimes to still feel it

But I’m so sick of the same playlist

I try, but I skip all of the songs

I no longer need to tell you about my day

I no longer need you…

I hate it so much