IF ALL MY LIFE WAS WASTED

But the twins hadn't been missing for ten years. Samira had.

The lake lapped quietly behind Bambi, the sun still warm on her shoulders, but something about the way the haunted girl spoke — soft but stubborn — made Greer's posture relax. She wasn't about to hug her or anything, but there was a level of respect earned. If Bambi was running around here acting like nothing had impacted her, something Greer was strategically doing, she may have felt differently.

She let out a quiet huff through her nose, pushing herself up a little straighter in the chair, one pink manicured hand absentmindedly brushing sand off her thigh. "It's not just a bunch of wood," she said, though the words were edged with that same valley girl lilt of hers. But, if you looked a little deeper, it may have been an understanding. "'Preciate you for trying to not let it bother you."

Then, she tilted her head to the side. "Luckily for you, if anyone says anything," other than her, of course, "I'll totes mcgotes shut it down. I don't care it it makes me a bitch. I mean, I am one, but still." Did it put Greer on Bambi's side? Not necessarily. There was a heart underneath there!

　　　　𓆱　　she didn’t think greer would be the one to insist they do more than dance around the topic ,  but the start of the other woman’s correction made bambi’s heart skip a beat. she was right, of course. it wasn’t just a bunch of wood. hadn’t been even before samira went missing. it lived and breathed.

just that back then it used to be exciting. the trees had been growing with them. if someone were to chop one down, bambi could have traced the rings and recounted summer’s past.

but greer’s words weren’t a confrontation. no corner had suddenly spawned for her to get backed into. still a conversation, not a cage. “ yeah, you’re welcome. ” was that the correct response ? well, it’s not like there was some peer reviewed guidebook on this. it was just bambi’s words. unfortunately for both of them, she had spent the better part of ten years trying to avoid using them with most people.

a lot of these people had been friends with her sister. cared for her, looked out for her. it’s not that bambi wasn’t expecting them to respect her or keep looking out for her in a way. that sense of responsibility lived on in her hopeful heart. what she wasn’t expecting, however, was to hear it spoken out loud.

“a little!” harrison exclaims, throwing his hands up in defeat. he really hopes that bambi doesn’t take it personally. he was just… scared of rabies, which is a perfectly reasonable considering the camp has been vacated for years. for all he knew, there could have been a family of rabid raccoons underneath the desk just waiting for him to disturb them so they can attack.

with that thought in mind, harrison steps towards the desk. he picks up what looks like a ruler from up top, totally prepared to play whack-a-mole if he opens this top drawer and finds a wild animal in there.

“you know,” he starts, glancing up a bambi once as his hand grips the handle of the drawer, “even though most cans have a best-by date on them, they’re actually edible up to a few months after that.” harrison pauses, jerking the drawer open with his ruler poised to strike. but it’s empty, except for a few old notebooks. “if we’re set on giving the kids expired pepto, we can probably get away with giving them slightly expired canned food. they’d hardly know the difference, right?”

harrison takes the notebooks out of the drawer one by one, noting the dates on each one. once it’s clear, he closes it before moving onto the bottom drawer.

　　　　𓆱　　“ was it one of the small and fuzzy ones at least ? ”  considering bambi was human sized, no one could blame harry if it wasn’t. except for her. at least, the version of her that she had left here with sam ten years ago. dusted off and tried so hard to fit into for old time’s sake. for an old friend’s sake. “ y’know, one of the cute ones. ”

she watched harrison survey his desk, his drawers. the self deprecating question gnawed at her. had he just not noticed all the cracks ? every crease that the ill fitting shell made ? perhaps that scene in the horror movies that made you pretend that you hadn’t noticed The Creature until you could turn around and strike with the element of surprise. sometimes it was hard to remember that every grotesque feature lived under the skin. even if she could see it, trace her finger along a jagged seam. not one else could see where she had been taken apart and put together as a empty shell. the natural conclusion of scooping out everything sam. what was left ?

“ you’re so right. why draw the line there ? immune system. ” her earlier statement echoed back. “ we’re gonna be sending home some strong kids. assuming they — ” make it home. bambi could almost choke on the words. she couldn’t pretend things were fine and dandy. ten years had drilled that into her. “ actually eat the stuff. maybe standards have increased since we were on the receiving end of it. ”

another laugh escapes harrison’s lips at bambi’s exclamation. he really, truly hadn’t meant to scare her, but the after effects were pretty damn funny.

he fumbles with one of the doors of the supply cabinets, cursing at the rusted handle before looking over his shoulder. “i thought you were a rabid animal,” harrison offers as an attempt at an explanation, “here to make off with all the children’s tylenol! how was i supposed to know anyone else would be in here?”

if there was one thing about harrison, it was that he liked his workspace clean and devoid of any distractions— because he would very easily get pulled away from whatever task he was supposed to be doing. just from one glance around the tiny quarters, he could tell that he would be drowning in things that would keep his attention bouncing all over the place if he didn’t get the space in order.

even now, despite her presence not entirely being an unwelcome one, bambi was proving to be a distraction from what he’d set out to do when he opened the door to this place.

he turns away from the cabinet, leaning against it in defeat. “thank god for cold war era canned food, right? that shit was made to survive in bomb shelters and here we are eating it at a summer camp.” bleak. way to go, harrison. “but i’m sure you’ll do some good things with it.” nice save.

　　　　𓆱　　“ a rabid — do you think that makes it better, harrison ? ” faux offence wrapped in her tone. of course, she knew that he meant before. when he had just heard the movement inside the cabin.

“ oh, i was planning to just serve it up as is. you know in the cartoons… when they dump it out and it’s still in that perfect can shape. ” of course, if that were the all preparation going into it, kitchen staff probably wouldn’t be worth paying for. or maybe that kind of unappealing was actually hard to produce. “ back to the drawing board. ”

bambi didn’t spare herself a compliment often, but she could admit her skill in the kitchen. at least, a watered down version that had to be okay with the line cook environment rather than stray too far from the person her sister had once known. if she couldn’t hold onto her, she could hold onto what she knew. her house, her room, her sister. the world, objectively, might have kept spinning after samira went missing. but not bambi’s. not at full speed, at least.

"probably not," the words are slightly garbled around a bite of her own pudding, "it'd also be pretty weird if he was coming into our cabins at night to see if we were in the right place."

stella knew that she'd missed bambi, but she hadn't realized quite how much until they were back together. here she doesn't have to imagine the way bambi's voice would sound or the expressions on her face while she reads words on a page. it was like putting on 3D glasses at the movies, all the blurry red and blue lines forming into something almost tangible. "oh! do you think he'll let us go do the shopping?" she hadn't brought a car, but she imagines most of them had, "i've always wanted to see the town."

　　　　𓆱　　the soft chuckle slipped past bambi’s lips ,  but not without rattling around in her chest first. bouncing off her ribs. uncomfortable almost. something just foreign enough to feel strange. guilt inducing, maybe. she didn’t stumble in front of stella. she might be rusty as a big sister, but that was a basic.

of course, it used be small and petty problems she’d shoulder for the younger kids. pebbles, not the boulder that only seemed to get heavier with every milestone missed.

still, the principle was the same. she shook her head in a way that was meant to mimic amusement. eyes focused on the pudding in front of her to disguise the way her smile didn’t reach her eyes. it’d be alone in her bunk that she’d truly sit with the discomfort of her reality.

jasper's reorganization of the cabins had made sure of that, the biggest step sadie had taken to keep some distance between her and the girl she'd once thought of as a sister walked back with one stroke of a red pen. add on the fact that she had to interact with the kitchen staff as a part of her job, and their reunion was inevitable.

but the fact that it was coming so soon...

"bambi," sadie nodded in recognition, their chance run-in in the woods prompting perhaps the most awkward moment of silence to ever pass between the two. but what was sadie meant to say when it looked like bambi had seen a ghost?

for so many years, sadie had shut her thoughts about bambi (and her sister!) into a little box in her mind, one that she knew she'd have to confront at another time. but after a certain point, she'd refused to acknowledge it. the guilt was there, but manageable. she had so much to focus on at college, then in law school. why think about the past when you're sprinting straight towards a bright future?

but now... standing there, seeing all the ways that bambi had both changed and stayed the same over the last ten years, the guilt was rushing back in full force.

"i didn't know you were going to be here this summer," sadie finally spoke up again, the lie slipping from her lips because the truth never could. she had known. for the past 48 hours, at least. and she'd naively thought that they'd eventually have a more casual, amicable reunion. as was obvious in that moment, that would not be the case.

　　　　𓆱　　it was easy to believe sadie didn’t know .  just like bambi didn’t know. at least, not for sure. had spent so long trying to brace herself for the fact the other woman wouldn’t be, if she were being totally honest. imagining a camp without sadie had been part of the emotional bracing that needed to be done. no samira, no sadie — no samira & sadie, best friends.

part of that still happened to be true. no matter how many wishes bambi made over the years. shooting stars, blown out candles birthday cakes ( both her own and samira’s ) never brought her little sister back.

but maybe that’s what gave her sadie back. a mutual consolation prize. if you can’t have her, the next best thing. the sister, the best friend. maybe sadie had enough time to pause for a shooting star, too. she no longer knew the girl well enough to know what she’d wish for, but bambi would be forever frozen at a time when she was sure it would have been the same thing.

she choked back the first reply that came to mind. it’s what sami would have wanted. so young and starry eyed about bambi working there so she could still attend with them after she had aged out of the camp. she would’ve been heartbroken to see it go down the way it did. would’ve been the first in line to help it reopen ten years later — nostalgia through heart shaped sunglasses.

had harrison been a little nervous about the state of the nurse’s station since jasper took over? absolutely. but he wasn't going to let that be known as he made his way over to the tiny building to go through the stock of supplies and get a list of things he would need jasper to order before the campers get here for the summer.

even though he knew that the other employees were here, harrison didn't expect to hear the fumbling behind the solid wood door-- which, it was good to know that noise could be heard through the doors, just in case harrison was ever needed. he swung the door open, trying his best to make his presence known on the off chance it was a rabid raccoon looking to make off with a pack of ibuprofen.

what he was not expecting behind the door was to find a full grown human. he has to stifle a laugh at the complete deer-in-headlights look he sees on bambi’s face.

“i do,” he says simply, moving farther into the space to start inspecting one of the supply cabinets, “jasper hired me as the nurse this summer.”

　　　　𓆱　　the sigh of relief is equal parts because it was the nurse rather than jason voorhees,  and the fact that it happened to be harrison, specifically. there were very few campers that bambi would be neutral about seeing again ( describing anyone’s reappearance — bar samira — as happy would be a stretch ) but a fondness of stella and enough time for her sister to have moved on before she went missing worked to tip the scales in his favour.

“ oh my god, harry ! ” as if his presence was the anomaly here. “ give a girl some warning before you’re flinging doors open, jesus christ. ” the hand that had shot to her chest instinctively finally relaxing back to her side as he confirmed that the correspondence with jasper. you could probably save a lot if majority of your recruitment process is former campers.

none of which went into the first aid kit. at least, not the one bambi had rummaged through. “ about three boxes, ” pause for an effect somewhere between comedic and dramatic. “ with maybe five bandaids in each box. well… five, five, four. ” punctuated with a smug smile. something that could almost resemble the way she used to tease him ten years ago.

"so uh... which bed do you want?" when dani had looked at her bunk assignments for the summer season, mainly who would be sharing her cabin, she wondered if this new camp director know what he was doing by putting her in a room with both greer and bambi. perhaps dani could handle just greer for the summer, she was certain they'd pretend the other didn't exist. but bambi? yeah... that was going to hurt.

but she was an adult. ten years older. ten years more mature. she could do this. and what was a better way to break the ice then over discussing the bedroom layout. "i figure greer would kill us, skin us and use us as decoration if we forced her into the bunk bed..." dani murmured, unable to keep the longing from her eyes as she let her gaze drift to the only single bed in the room. "do you have a preference on top or bottom?" she asked, realizing the last person she had shared a bunk with at this camp was bambi's sister. her missing sister. who went missing when dani was her bunk mate.

　　　　𓆱　　it was only when she was standing in the staff cabin that bambi realised she had never stopped to consider it before. she didn’t know what she had expected for be hidden away in their cabins back then, but it certainly wasn’t bunk beds. sure, it was still camp. they had just seemed so much more… mature ? which technically wasn’t technically a case against bunk beds. perhaps it made total sense. perhaps that wasn’t what was throwing her off in her assigned cabin.

thankfully, puppy dog eyes were trained on the single that was apparently in high demand. “ if you want it that bad, just take it. first come, first serve. just keep all the arguing and skinning outside of the cabin. ” half of it was genuine advice. if they started off the summer bickering about the bed ( outside, very important to remember ), eventually they’d just get over it. the way you had to let cats hiss at each other to establish a hierarchy upon meeting. greer probably winning, if they were being realistic.

Her brows knitted together. There was a small chuckle that left her lips and for once, Greer was at a loss of words. She would tack it down in her mental notebook as a compliment, but she knew that wasn't exactly what the other meant. There had been seldom a change in Greer; maybe her hair had grown longer and the corners of her mouth had become more hollow.

She took a moment to stare Bambi down, her eyes crinkling. It was hard not to notice it. Time had passed, a certain dullness now accompanied a once bright girl. And if Greer stared too long at Bambi's hair or her skin, all she could think of was Samira. It hit her quiet and unwelcome, and she just as soon pushed any feelings back down.

"Yeah, well, who could like, pass up a paid vaycay?" She asked. Not that it was much of a vacation, but Greer wasn't bound to learn that on day one. "You're one to talk, though," she added, pushing some of her hair behind her shoulder. "I feel like you're the last person I expected to like, willingly come back here." Harsh.

　　　　𓆱　　“ yeah, i’ll get right on that . ”  if it were any other camp grounds — if it were anyone but bambi — she could have agreed with greer’s sentiment. everything about this offer would be better than the shitty kitchen she had boxed herself into back home. the scenery was beautiful, the pay much better. no spikes and lulls throughout the day, just designated meal times.

but her last comment should have hurt. maybe it did a little, but not in comparison to the way everything else hurt. it should have pissed her off. struck a nerve that forced her to react. would anyone have faulted bambi if her palm had collided with greer’s blushed cheek at the allusion to samira ?

it wasn’t some superhuman self restraints that held her back, but a lack of desire.

in a weird way, it was… positive. not nice. or a comfort. just positive. refreshing to not have to watch someone carefully pick out each word before they said it to her. pity didn't radiate off the other woman. she was not something fragile that greer was afraid to poke. “ i couldn’t be anywhere else. ”

it’s not that bambi was expecting any big breakthrough to happen. the only way she’d be leaving the camp grounds with her sister under her arm was in her dreams. ten years of people talking about ‘ what a joy samira was ’ nailed that coffin shut. yet there’s still a part of her — the frozen teenager that had stopped aging when she could no longer track samira’s next to her — that hoped. reckless, childish hope.

if something did happen, how could bambi not be there ? what if new management tried to spin samira’s story wrong ? spoken ill of their parents because of the lawsuit ? responsibility fell on bambi’s shoulders once again. perhaps a chance to right whatever big sister wrong she had committed ten years ago that allowed her to slip between her fingers. if nothing but stopping her from becoming a monster with claws whispered about over the campfire. to avoid the prank where the older kids rustle the bushes and make the younger ones think samira’s back ! and she wants revenge !

"Right," she said, dryly. "Super necessary, then." It was definitely sarcastic as she said it. It's not like they didn't know each other, even if the years had passed them by. Her gaze sharpened, dragging her eyes to look over the differences. Underneath it all, Greer was sure it was the same girl in there. Nobody ever did grow up. Such was the case with Greer Wu, at the very least.

"Wow. You look..." Greer breathed out, almost exasperated like she was shocked to see her. And she was. But, the noise she made, even followed by the way she finally stood up, it was almost like she might embrace the doe eyed girl. Like maybe they had been friends for years. Until, she deadpanned,

"Like shit."

　　　　𓆱　　greer’s initial sarcasm felt like her cue to leave .  but something about the studying gaze held her in place. like a vice, like an embrace. something muddy in the middle. everything that followed stuck to that theme. truly, bambi didn’t know what kind of greeting she was expecting. signing on to work in the kitchen, she had been under a false sense of security that she could just spend the summer avoiding people.

cabin mates ? group activities ? not things that had crossed bambi’s mind until the grating voice of jasper st james had forced them to. introductions seemed hard. re-introductions even worse. greer was like plunging into the deep end of cold water. the stage of hypothermia that almost felt warm.

𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄: near the lake

Greer had always liked the lake best when it was quiet and for the next week, she expected no snot nosed interruptions. She was sat in a chair, one leg hooked over the arm and the other swinging, sat like a true queen atop her throne. Although, she had neglected her actual lifeguard chair in the hopes of getting a bit of a sunkissed tan on her skin. She had put SPF on because she wasn't like, trying to be one of those leathery ladies in their fifties, but every girl looked a little better with a tan. That was what Greer thought, anyway. Pale and ghostly were meant for the likes of people that lingered too close to Hot Topic in the mall.

Her eyes were closed and sunglasses were propped on the bridge of her nose, but there was no unmistakably moment that the sun had disappeared in an instant. The forecast didn't call for rain or overcast, so she cracked a singular eye open. "Um, hello? You're like, totally blocking my sun," she stated matter-of-factly, as if she owned the sun itself. She perched the sunglasses further down her nose to peek at the perpetrator. "Is this important?"

　　　　𓆱　　bambi wasn’t at camp yet .  at least, not really. she’d driven the familiar route down with her brain on autopilot. gotten there, greeted jasper for cabin assignments, placed her stuff in said cabin, checked out the kitchen — all before she had truly arrived. a childhood familiarity led her over the grounds without ever having to snap out of her daze.

she wasn’t at camp. she was at camp ten years ago. she had never left.

when greer’s voice first cut through the white noise of wilderness sounds, bambi could have been convinced it wasn’t real. that she’d look to her right and see the girl speaking to samira instead. that it was a moment she had stored away in her head. silly girl, accompanied the thought, samira is the sun.

but this was about blocking it. something that had been shining, so dull. temperature dropping upon approach. bambi. her head followed the sound to the left, watching greer’s sunglasses give way to reveal familiar eyes. a lot had changed in ten years, but time hadn’t touched those. not even the way they possessed the kind of sass present in teenage girls. it should have been concerning to be on the receiving end. instead, it was a comfort.