Celeste

No matter what I do and no matter how much of myself I give to someone, it never seems to be enough. I will always be the second choice. I will never be the girl a boy is head over heels in love with and it kills me every single day.

I remember how we stayed up until 3am just to talk to each other. How I laid there in your arms and how we talked about every aspect of life. For a minute it felt like the whole world around us didn’t matter, it was just us against the world. Now it’s me against you.

I just want someone to fight for me. I’m done with people giving up on me when I need them the most. I’m always putting up with everything, but who is there to catch me when I fall?

I told you to never speak to me again when we had our fight a few months ago. But those months without you were the hardest months of my life. Why did you listen to what I said? Don't you miss me enough to ignore what I said and just fight for me?

I always wanted you to kiss me in the rain, because I thought it would be romantic. You thought it was weird, which made me feel weird. It took me a while to figure out I wasn’t weird, I was just asking the wrong person.

It took him three months to come back. And now he’s here. But it doesn’t feel the same. His soft words don’t reach my heart like they used to. His random texts don’t get me excited anymore. How did something I wanted for so long end up feeling like this?

Perhaps you won’t believe me when I say this, but they always come back. No matter how long it takes, they will start to realise what they lost. You don’t know what you got until it’s gone, right?

It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply. The good parts are extra good, but the bad parts hurt so bad, you can’t even fathom it.

Some days I think I’m over you. But most days I know I’m not. The nights I lay awake crying and reminiscing our time together follow me around every second of the day. How do I get over you?

I took down my walls to let you in. I told you everything about myself, from my childhood trauma to my insecurities. And you still used it to hurt me. You knew what you were doing.

You always told me I would be better off without you. I used to think you were just insecure and you wanted the absolute best for me. That wasn’t the reason. It actually was a warning. I am better off without you and you knew it all along. It just took me a bit longer to figure this out.

As time passes by and memories start to fade, I’m beginning to see the red flags I missed when we first started talking. I used to make excuses for all the rude things you said, but I’m starting to realise it wasn’t okay at all. Maybe I truly am better off without you.

You’re still on my mind. I tend to remember the laughter we shared, but not the tears I wept every single night because you made me miserable. Why is it that every time we go through a heartbreak, we only remember the good parts?

I met you in february last year, and I had to leave you exactly twelve months later. These months were both the best, but also the worst months of my life. You made me feel so happy in the beginning, but most of the time you made me miserable. Leaving you was one of the hardest things I had to do. Sometimes I regret it, but I’m starting to be happy that for once, I chose myself.

When we were together, I forgot everything around us. You were all I saw. But now that you’re gone, it’s like I didn’t even live the past two years. You were all I knew.