missing someone is so weird. i've barely thought about you much in the last few weeks, and when i have it's been with indifference. but today something happened and it should have been funny but i just felt the overwhelming urge to cry because the only reason it was funny is because it's something we made fun of and laughed about together. so now i'm in my room crying because my mom said she getting new living room furniture again, and because she finally accepted that she has naturally curly hair after i've been telling her that for years. nothing particularly funny or out of the ordinary, but things that we had always laughed about nonetheless. and as soon as she said it, my first thought was just "i wish i could tell you, i wish i could tell you about the mundane things that happen in my life and we could laugh together like we used to."
but i can't and i probably never will because you probably still hate me, because you blame me for not putting up with it when you started treating me like shit. you probably still don't think you did anything wrong, or if you finally realized it you've decided not to admit it. i hate the person you turned into, but i somehow don't hate you. i can't hate you when i still have the last few years of memories from when we were still friends, from when you were still undeniably the best friend i've ever had. i still can't accept the fact that the person you were is the same one who started treating me so poorly during the last couple months of our friendship, before cutting me off completely when i just asked you to talk to me so we could try to fix things. i don't understand it and i hate the way things ended. i hate the things you did and i hate the way you hurt me and i hate the way you changed, but i still can't hate you.
i haven't cried much in the last couple months since you cut me off, at first i mostly felt anger and then indifference, and lately i've barely even thought of you at all. but tonight i'm crying worse than i have in months, because my mom said she's getting new furniture and because she accepted she has curly hair, and we should be texting each other laughing about that. but instead of texting you and laughing, i'm typing this post that no one is going to see or care about and crying.
it's not fair. and i can't help but wonder if this has all hurt you as much as it's hurt me. have you spent nights laying in bed crying because you miss me? have you broke down because something good or funny happened in your life that you wanted to tell me about, only to remember you can't (except you could, i wish you would, my DMs are always open for you, just in case you ever need me or change your mind and want to apologize and try to fix things)? i can't help but hope you have, because that would at least mean that i was important to you, that our friendship was real and that it mattered.
i really want to message you one last time just to make sure you know without a shadow of a doubt that i don't hate you, that i still care and i'm still here for you if you need me, and if you ever want to work things out all you have to do is let me know. i just can't let go of the small hope that maybe, just maybe, after you calmed down after the initial outburst and had time to really sit with things and recognize what you did, you regretted it and have wanted to reach out to apologize and work things out. that maybe, after not talking for a couple months, you realized you still care about me and miss me as much as i care about and miss you, and you want to be friends again. and maybe the only reason you haven't done so is because you're too afraid, afraid it will start another fight and make things worse, afraid that i hate you and would want nothing to do with you, afraid that it would make me block you for good and destroy that final shred of hope that maybe i would reach out first. maybe you're just afraid of messaging me for all the same reasons i'm afraid of messaging you and we've both been hurting all the time when we haven't had to, because if one of us just made the jump, the other would be there just like we said we always would be. maybe we're both just too scared to do it, because what happens when you jump and no one is there to catch you? when the person you were expecting to be there just stands back and watches as you fall?
is that why you haven't blocked me, is that why you haven't unfriended me? because that's why i haven't blocked or unfriended you. or maybe the fact that you haven't blocked or unfriended me doesn't mean anything, maybe you truly just forgot to do so and don't even realize that you still have me added. and that's what i'm so scared of, the reason why i can't convince myself to message you to say everything i want to, because what if all it accomplishes is reminding you to unfriend or block me? and then that last little bit of hope would be destroyed, and i'm just not sure if i'm ready to face that. i'm not ready for you to hammer the final nail in the coffin of our friendship.
and i know that sitting here holding onto potentially (most likely) false hope that maybe some day you'll reach out isn't good for me. that i should just message you and see how it goes, because best case scenario my seemingly hopeless hopes were actually right, you feel the same and we work things out and become friends again, and worst case scenario you block me for good and then i know the truth and won't be left to wonder and hope for something that never would've happened. but i still feel like not knowing and being able to hold onto that hope might be easier than knowing the truth, if the truth is that you don't care and our friendship truly is over. i know messaging you and figuring out the truth would provide closure, and that in order to truly be able to move on it's what i need to do. but i'm just not sure if i want that right now, i'm just so scared that it won't go the way i hope, and i don't know how i would react after that. i could just be giving you one final chance to hurt me, and why should i willingly open myself up to more pain? especially when i know that's the most likely outcome. but i just can't let go of the hope that my expectations are wrong and you would surprise me, and prove to me that you haven't changed entirely and are still the person i knew as a friend.
i just miss you. i still care about you, even though you made it clear you didn't care about me. except you did care about me, at least until the last few months. you had to, right? you wouldn't have read my long ass messages venting about my life and tried to help me and comfort me, you wouldn't have called me and talked for hours just listening to me cry and rant and completely break down, you wouldn't have spent your own money to buy me stuff to help me, you wouldn't have done any of that if you didn't care about me, right? so then how did you go from caring so much, to not caring at all when i told you i was about to be evicted and almost became homeless, with no where to go and no one to help me? it doesn't make sense to me, i can't make it make sense. i know you were mad at me at the time, but i could never stop caring about someone just because i was mad at them, especially not when it comes to something as serious as homelessness.
the argument had happened more than a week before, it started because of you talking down to me and treating me like shit, and i had tried to talk things out the same day the argument happened but you ignored me completely. instead of talking about things like an adult, you ignored me and held a grudge that apparently made you completely stop caring about me. so much for being your "close friend," your "brother," your "found family," huh? friends fight, siblings fight, families fight, but then they either put in the effort to apologize and fix things or they get over it and move on. they don't suddenly stop caring about each other as if they never meant anything to begin with.
maybe our definitions of "friends" and "family" are different.. that seems to be really common for me. i always seem to value and care about people far more than they ever do me, and yet i continue to fully trust and believe in people. i trusted you, i believed in you. even after everything, part of me still does. i just don't want to believe that the way you treated me the last few months is how you actually are. i can't understand it, it doesn't make sense. please at least make it make sense, tell me why you started treating me that way, why you suddenly stopped caring about me. i need to know. i wish i could read your mind, just to understand your thoughts and feelings. none of it makes sense to me.
i don't know. i still miss you and still want to be friends, i don't hate you, and i'm still here in case you ever need me or if you decide you also want to be friends again. i really want you to know that, but i'm too scared to reach out to tell you, so i'll just sit here and hope that you know that even though i know you don't. and even if you did know, i doubt you would care. but i'll continue hoping that you do care and that you miss me as much as i miss you. and maybe one day i'll finally get up the courage to actually message you. but until then i just really hope you don't hate me and that you still think of our friendship as mostly happy memories. i miss you.
