Hell in a Handbasket

Ship Tournament, Round 3 — Match 2 / 7

Minthara/Shadowheart

"I just think they’d understand each other’s religious trauma in a way most people wouldn’t. Shar and Lolth are different horrors, but they both teach you that love is conditional, softness is punishable, and obedience is survival. Shadowheart choosing herself after Shar + Minthara surviving Lolth’s world and the Absolute?? yeah."

"goth girl x evil older goth girl is important representation actually. also imagine them judging everyone else in camp together. shadowheart says something dry and bitchy under her breath, minthara adds something 10x worse with perfect seriousness, and shadowheart has to pretend she is not laughing because she still wants to seem normal. excellent dynamic. terrible for morale."

vs. Astarion/Wyll

"Much has been said about how Wyll's romance better fits what Astarion seems to truly want in a relationship, that Wyll is happy with a more chaste relationship, etc etc. But what's often missed is that Astarion is actually a fantastic match for Wyll! Wyll is self-sacrificing to an unhealthy degree, and often minimizes the abuse and trauma he's been through. Astarion, meanwhile, is much more open-eyed to what he's experienced. He's happy to choose himself when needed and pushes those he cares about to do the same. And if you play as Astarion, you're given unique dialogue options to compare Mizora and Cazador and urge Wyll away from being passive in response of how she abuses him. Astarion needs someone to teach him how to empathize with others, and Wyll needs someone to teach him to fight for himself as much as he does for others. They complete each other!"

Ship Tournament, Round 3 — Match 2 / 7

Minthara/Shadowheart

"I just think they’d understand each other’s religious trauma in a way most people wouldn’t. Shar and Lolth are different horrors, but they both teach you that love is conditional, softness is punishable, and obedience is survival. Shadowheart choosing herself after Shar + Minthara surviving Lolth’s world and the Absolute?? yeah."

"goth girl x evil older goth girl is important representation actually. also imagine them judging everyone else in camp together. shadowheart says something dry and bitchy under her breath, minthara adds something 10x worse with perfect seriousness, and shadowheart has to pretend she is not laughing because she still wants to seem normal. excellent dynamic. terrible for morale."

vs. Astarion/Wyll

"Much has been said about how Wyll's romance better fits what Astarion seems to truly want in a relationship, that Wyll is happy with a more chaste relationship, etc etc. But what's often missed is that Astarion is actually a fantastic match for Wyll! Wyll is self-sacrificing to an unhealthy degree, and often minimizes the abuse and trauma he's been through. Astarion, meanwhile, is much more open-eyed to what he's experienced. He's happy to choose himself when needed and pushes those he cares about to do the same. And if you play as Astarion, you're given unique dialogue options to compare Mizora and Cazador and urge Wyll away from being passive in response of how she abuses him. Astarion needs someone to teach him how to empathize with others, and Wyll needs someone to teach him to fight for himself as much as he does for others. They complete each other!"

Ship Tournament, Round 3 — Match 4 / 7

Alfira/Lakrissa

"They give the tiefling refugee storyline this little thread of hope. They’re displaced, scared, they’ve lost people, and they still find this warmth with each other. Alfira is carrying grief for Lihala and trying to keep making music anyway, and Lakrissa has that practical, joking bravado. Together they have such a lovely balance. Alfira brings the open-hearted bard feelings, Lakrissa brings the teasing confidence, and both of them are braver than they probably think."

"The banter does so much. Lakrissa’s little smirky comments, Alfira being sweet and sincere but still having a bit of spark herself, the sense that they’ve found something soft in the middle of a completely awful journey. They’re just two women trying to survive and making each other’s lives better along the way."

vs. Shadowheart/Wyll

"I really like the Selunite Shadowheart version of this especially. Wyll’s whole thing is trying to be good even after being punished for it, and Shadowheart’s is trying to find herself after a goddess spent years cutting pieces away from her. They’d both understand what it’s like to have someone powerful claim ownership over your choices. There’s something soft in the idea of them post-game, maybe in Baldur’s Gate, trying to build something ordinary after all that divine/devil nonsense. Shadowheart with her animals and flowers, Wyll with his stories and dancing and stupidly earnest compliments. They’d still have scars, obviously, but I think they’d be careful with each other in a way that feels really earned."

Ship Tournament, Round 2 — Match 5 / 15

Astarion/Wyll

"Much has been said about how Wyll's romance better fits what Astarion seems to truly want in a relationship, that Wyll is happy with a more chaste relationship, etc etc. But what's often missed is that Astarion is actually a fantastic match for Wyll! Wyll is self-sacrificing to an unhealthy degree, and often minimizes the abuse and trauma he's been through. Astarion, meanwhile, is much more open-eyed to what he's experienced. He's happy to choose himself when needed and pushes those he cares about to do the same. And if you play as Astarion, you're given unique dialogue options to compare Mizora and Cazador and urge Wyll away from being passive in response of how she abuses him. Astarion needs someone to teach him how to empathize with others, and Wyll needs someone to teach him to fight for himself as much as he does for others. They complete each other!"

vs. Ansur/Emperor

"THE doomed exes ship. ansur loved balduran enough to search for him, shelter him, try to save him, and then couldn’t accept what he’d become. the emperor loved him enough that killing him is still framed as this huge buried wound centuries later, even through all the mind flayer emotional repression and manipulation. it’s horrible because neither of them is uncomplicatedly “wrong” in the emotional sense? ansur sees the person he loves transformed into something he believes is a monster. the emperor sees the person he trusts most deciding that mercy means killing him. they loved each other and it still ended under the city with a dragon’s corpse and a sword in the dark. what the fuck man."

"sometimes romance is a dragon looking at the illithid wearing your lover’s memories and going “i can’t live with this” and the illithid going “i am alive, why is that not enough”"

"Is the Emperor still Balduran? Is Ansur loving him, mourning him, or rejecting him? Is the Emperor’s anger betrayal trauma or the cold self-preservation of a mind flayer? It’s messy and awful and romantic in the gothic “this ends with both of us ruined” way. Exactly what I want from a dragon and his fucked up squid ex."

Ship Tournament, Round 1 — Match 9 / 30

Astarion/Wyll

"Much has been said about how Wyll's romance better fits what Astarion seems to truly want in a relationship, that Wyll is happy with a more chaste relationship, etc etc. But what's often missed is that Astarion is actually a fantastic match for Wyll! Wyll is self-sacrificing to an unhealthy degree, and often minimizes the abuse and trauma he's been through. Astarion, meanwhile, is much more open-eyed to what he's experienced. He's happy to choose himself when needed and pushes those he cares about to do the same. And if you play as Astarion, you're given unique dialogue options to compare Mizora and Cazador and urge Wyll away from being passive in response of how she abuses him. Astarion needs someone to teach him how to empathize with others, and Wyll needs someone to teach him to fight for himself as much as he does for others. They complete each other!"

vs. Dammon/Karlach/Wyll

"A while back, I read a fic that totally had me down with that. I can imagine Karlach with both of them, and Dammon, who has the kind of erotica that was banned in several cities for being too raunchy, might not be opposed to some three-people fun. I think he could like Wyll. Wyll might be a bit apprehensive, but I think these two could ease him into the idea."

Ship Tournament, Round 1 — Match 1 / 30

Gale/Lae'zel

"Two people raised by gods who taught them love is obedience. like. Gale with Mystra, Lae’zel with Vlaakith. Both of them are incredibly competent and incredibly proud and also so deeply shaped by someone powerful deciding what they were worth. I think they would recognise that in each other before they had the words for it, and because neither of them is good at being normal about vulnerability it would come out as arguing about tactics and magic theory for three hours."

"lae’zel would bully gale into having better self esteem and i mean this lovingly. like gale starts monologuing about how he is a danger to everyone and maybe the best use of him is as a bomb and lae’zel is like. pathetic. you are a wizard of waterdeep. stand up. sharpen your mind. eat this protein. and somehow that is the most romantic thing anyone has said to him in ten years"

"I just think there is something VERY funny and sweet about Gale being the most verbose man alive and Lae’zel having negative patience for unnecessary words, but still clearly respecting skill and intelligence. He would infodump about the Weave and she would interrupt him every five seconds, except she is actually listening because she wants to know where the weak points are. He thinks she’s being rude. She thinks this is a perfectly normal conversation. And then Gale would ask about gith culture with genuine curiosity rather than fear or fetishizing it, which I think would get under her skin in a good way. He’d want to know the structure, the history, the logic of it. Lae’zel values competence and seriousness so much, and Gale has both when he gets past the flirting and theatrics."

vs. Gale/Rolan

"imagine the sheer density of smug little comments. the passive aggressive corrections. the “well, technically” from both sides. everyone else in camp begging them to shut up and they think they’re having foreplay. also Rolan is SO hungry for someone to actually take his magic seriously without treating him like a project or a servant, and Gale is exactly the kind of person who would be annoying as hell about it but also genuinely delighted by another talented wizard. he’d praise Rolan’s spellwork and Rolan would act like it’s nothing and then think about it for three weeks."

"i just think rolan deserves a wizard boyfriend who looks at him and goes oh you're brilliant actually. like genuinely brilliant. because so much of his story is him puffing himself up so nobody notices how scared and responsible and desperate he is. he wants to be impressive SO badly and then he gets stuck with lorroakan. gale would be irritating, yes. obviously. but gale also knows what it’s like to get tangled up with a powerful magical figure who makes you feel special and disposable at the same time. i think he’d clock the whole thing faster than rolan would like and be surprisingly gentle about it"

Did you know???? Did you know????? @winifreddinh has fully adapted my wyllstarion choose-your-own-adventure fic (also known as the Ulder Ravengard Ulcer Simulator) into a goddamn!! visual!! novel!!!

WITNESS: ulder ravengard experiencing holiday torments! astarion experiencing clowns! wyll experiencing ballroom politics with a chance of murder! hallmark-trope-bedeviled servants experiencing true love!

Summary:

You are ULDER RAVENGARD.

Your son is completely besotted with his fiancé, but you can’t figure out the appeal. He’s spoiled, and petty, and seems chiefly concerned with draining the Ravengard coffers. You are, frankly, at your wits’ fucking end.

Surely the only solution is to declare an INSANE SECRET WAR on him before he can ruin the MIDWINTER'S EVE BALL. This cannot possibly backfire.

[A choose-your-own-adventure Astarion son-in-law simulator. Happy Holidays! Or possibly the opposite of that.]

Round 1 — Match 16 / 77 — Nere vs. Mizora

Nere, also known as True Soul Nere, is a True Soul of the Absolute, and potential boss. In Act One, he can be found at Grymforge, trapped inside a room that suffered a cave-in. He is a pivotal character for the quests ⁠Free True Soul Nere and ⁠Deliver Nere's Head.

"ok nere is SUCH a specific type of guy. the kind who’s choking on poison gas, covered in dust, trapped behind rubble… and still thinks he’s the most important person in the room. like he gets rescued and immediately starts doing cult authority voice at people who have been digging for him. it’s not even impressive evil, it’s “i have never had to be normal a single day in my life” evil. and that makes him fun to kill. sorry!"

"first time i hit grymforge i assumed “oh, the journal says he’s dying, but like… video game dying. i’ll long rest.” NO. he is ACTUALLY dying. you come back and it’s just… aftermath. and honestly? that’s the most effective thing nere ever does as a character: he turns the whole area into a pressure cooker. you’re scrambling for explosives, negotiating with duergar, the gnomes are panicking, and then when you finally crack the wall open, here comes this fancy little true soul drow acting like you’re late for HIS appointment"

vs.

Mizora is a cambion in service of the Archdevil  Zariel, as well as the infernal patron of  Wyll. She plays an important role in Wyll's backstory, as well as his character arc throughout the game. Manipulative, mischievous and always looking to get the best out of her deals, she may be an asset or an adversary for the party, but always looks out for her own and Zariel's best interests.

"i love mizora bc she’s sooo petty about it. like. she’s not just “evil,” she’s annoying on purpose. she knows exactly what buttons to press with wyll, she makes everything a performance, and she enjoys the moment you realize the “choice” has strings on it. also the way she pops up via projection like a cursed facetime call??? i hate it. i’m obsessed."

Round 1 — Match 10 / 77 — Cazador Szarr vs. Wyll Ravengard

Cazador Szarr is a vampire and Astarion's's former master. He is the primary antagonist of Astarion's personal quest, The Pale Elf.

"Cazador is a fantastic antagonist because he’s small-scale evil with world-class consequences. Not “end of the world,” just “end of your world,” times seven thousand."

vs.

Wyll Ravengard is an Origin Character and a recruitable Companion who can be romanced by characters of any gender. He is a Human and a Fiend Warlock with the Folk Hero background. Wyll can be first found in the Emerald Grove (or at camp if  Karlach was recruited before him) during Act One. Known as the "Blade of Frontiers" across the marches of Baldur's Gate, Wyll is a valiant hero who fights injustice and hunts monsters wherever they may hide. Though forever bound to his infernal patron  Mizora, he has dedicated his whole life to protecting the city he loves.

"Tav: You’re a hero. Wyll: Thank you. Mizora: *appears* Wyll: …please ignore that."

"devils, ultimatums, humiliation, public spectacle. and wyll still keeps trying?? like he keeps choosing kindness even when the world keeps giving him reasons to stop. also his act 3 stuff is SO “nobody wins clean” - father, title, duty, the city, the pact - it’s all tangled up. and i really love that he can be gentle without being naïve; he knows exactly what mizora is, he just refuses to let her rewrite what he is. (also… the dance scene. i’m sorry. it’s adorable.)"

"Wyll is my favorite romance. He has me giggling and kicking my feet and blushing with how sweet he is. Theo Soloman was so perfect in that cameo where he said Wyll would read you Shakespeare’s sonnets. He’s my favorite durge romance too!!"

"In a party full of edgelords (honorary), he is a ray of sunshine. He is poetic and princely. Does he have the most lines? No. But what is there ranges from tragic to romance lines that actually make me blush. Vote for Wyll Ravengard, our underdog prince of the gate"

"I love a guy who has to romantice his life to go throught the horrors. Go my beloved, act as an idealized fairytale hero so everything you lost when you were tricked as a teenager Must Had Been for Something. He also talks so poetically and has a nice voice. And best character intro ever"

"the man the myth the LEGEND. just and courageous and kind and poetic and sweet and hilarious. brave as all hell. even pacted he never takes mizora's bullshit laying down 😤 he's a hero and a good man and a sweetie pie"

"Dearest tumblrs, For your consideration: Allow me to propose Duke Wyll M. Ravengard (the M is for Motherfucking) for Ultimate Character. Not only is he a stunning specimen, beautiful of face and form, but he is pure of heart, a strong and well-loved folk hero before the tadpole. Even as the only character capable of adult behavior, he remains kind and balanced. When he spares Karlach, he dooms himself to become EVEN HOTTER. Oh no, my steak is too juicy, my cake is too fluffy, my bitch is too fly! When he DOESN'T spare Karlach, when he DOESN'T spare his father, sell his soul to save him, or believe in himself enough to break the pact with his horrible patron, his ending is vicious and so is he. Standing on business, whether good or evil. He treats intimacy as a process, not a leap. This is healthier than most of the cast's sexual journeys, and while some find it too tame, I find it charming. I don't need my character to bounce on it crazy style to know Wyll is a good man and will be a fine lover. It helps greatly that he is hotter than the full concentrated power of the sun. To expand, he is also the only character in the MTG Astarion expansions to be in a consensual position for biting. Gale's Astarion card isn't a fun time, but Wyll shows up in the woods shirtless. Wyll knows what he's about. We all need someone who knows what they're about in our lives, if only to remind ourselves to stand on business. (Wyll's actor Theo Solomon is a delightful man, and that makes Wyll even more endearing). Being a Wyll bias is hard. Merch, especially fan merch in the English speaking countries, is as rare for Wyll as for Lae'zel. People raise a brow at cherishing Wyll, but they'll fuck the bear without a qualm! The mods for Wyll range from the beautiful (Prince of the Gate) to the wretched and fearfully racist (White Wyll). Racism, both conscious and unconscious, is absolutely part of the narrative in fandom as to why he's less popular than the other masc-coded characters. I'm not sorry for saying it with my whole chest. He's beauty, he's grace, he will fireball you in the face. He's kind. He's compelled by a strong moral compass. And while he can save us AND himself, with the player's help he can overcome his self-doubt to save his soul. His father is the Grand Duke of BG. His father doesn't deserve Wyll's mercy. Wyll gives him infinite mercy anyway. This shows me that he will also extend that infinite mercy to his partner, and that's a heartwarming thought. In summary, I stand for Wyll because he'd stand for me. Sincerely yours, The Scabbard of Frontiers"

If you like my writing, enjoy vampirism or whump, or started following me because you appreciate the theming that often goes into my work, I think you'll really enjoy this one!