silly me, waiting.

whilst an open book, sawyer has to draw the line somewhere. when sober, it would be somewhere right here—sex talk with her older sister. not that she's a prude, far from it, but with lou she's more private, reserved in the way he would be. unfortunately for him, tipsy sawyer lacked all sorts of discretion. a giggle bubbling, sienna's acceptance of their relationship—albeit still somewhat begrudging—touches her heart.   〝 okay, you're like, centuries late with the safe sex talk. 〞 more like a decade, but to sawyer it feels all the same.   〝 and callum's a great buddy but it was never like that with him. 〞  sawyer is one to look ahead rather than to the past, but there are few relationships which end so amicably as her and callum's, leaving the relationship bittersweet rather than an open wound. 〝 i mean, it was. it was amazing, and incredible, and i don't think it can get any better than that. 〞 possibly too much information.   〝 it's just different with lou. 〞  she's practically beaming now, cheeks warm and heart full. 〝 yes, we're being safe, but i don't know, i kinda don't want us to be. 〞

"  as if this is the first time i'm lecturing you about wrapping it before you tap it!   "   which, to be correct, had been a common refrain of advice toward her siblings since any of them learned how babies were made in the first place. sienna ponders the emotional weight of what sawyer says, which is only the superior option in a scenario where the other thing to think about is her sister's sex life.    "   i just think   —   i know you're not that young, like, teen mom young. i know you're grown up. and i have come around on lou. i have. but...  you are young, sawyer. and you're so successful. you're fucking brilliant. and i know you'd put your entire soul into being a mom.   "    into being their mom, into recreating their mom, which is the gnawing thing under sienna's skin, what really makes her itch when she thinks about any of them having children. the pressure that suffocates her whenever she thinks about her having them, that she knows must weigh on sawyer in the same way. in different ways, too. maybe worse. but she also knows saywer is closer to being her than sienna herself ever will be. she sounds softer than she usually does.    "   so as your big sister, i like seeing your soul be just yours right now. and not fucking...   sucked up by your boyfriend's problems. or steven's problems. or seth's problems. or, probably fucking mine and i'm just not self-aware about it. so, i'd say give it a couple years. be a happy young couple, do all the crazy things you can before you have to worry about anyone else. again. and then fucking knock it out of the park after.   " 

jackson doesn't know enough about language to agree or disagree, so he gives a smile like he knows what she's saying. he makes sure everything he does ISN'T offensive either, so he shrugs. "nothing wrong with 'holy moly' is there ? "

"   is holy moses sacrilegious in your worldview? that's where it comes from.   "

"you find your own purpose in god, so if it is just being nice to look at, that's what it is. my mother believed her purpose was to take care of her home and raise god fearing children. she did so, and was beautiful as well."

"  has anyone ever told you something was written on the ceiling, and you looked up and it wasn't there?  "

  〝 call it arrested development then. 〞  with irritation bubbling, she tries to end the conversation once and for all. 〝 all due respect, hon, but you're my friend, not my keeper. end of the day 'nd my marriage's really none of your business. 〞

"   if i see it, if i hear about it, it's my business. i'm just being honest.   "   sienna threw up her hands and shrugged, as if to say:   you made it my business. though really, on principle, she thinks the well-being and happiness of everyone you purport to care about is your business, in every situation.   "   but if you're really saying:   sienna, let's move on, we can talk about how table three over there totally fucked last night and that's why they're sitting awkwardly in the diner for breakfast. which one of them do you think didn't have eggs in the house?   "

  〝 nobody's askin' you to get anything. hell, sienna, you ain't ever met someone who's just … fucking it? there's no explaining that. 〞

"   everyone believes in it at one point. many people also believed in santa claus as children. but we all grow up sometime.   "

  〝 marty mcfly was a weirdo with no friends his own age. he's a bad influence, and the worse performer. 〞

"   marty had a time machine. you know what happened to ferris bueller's coolest car? he totaled it.   "

  〝 oh, come on. he wasn't that bad. back then it was giving more of a cw show vibe than goldendoodle. we'd just found out about gossip girl, i was vulnerable! 〞  a drink topped off is a drink accepted, full lips against the glass as sawyer muses her follow-up. 〝 you think lou is cute? 〞

"   didn't say that. wouldn't say that. but you've done worse. way worse. better, too though. you could probably still call...  what's his face. other vet guy.   "   with another enthusiastic sip of red, she's feeling a little warmer tonight than usual, and more comfortable expressing it. buried underneath tough love is still love.   "   i like seeing you happy with lou, though. just because i make fun of him for being a little... lame doesn't mean anything. there's a difference between dweeby lame and gonna trade you in for a younger model in twenty years, reeks of pot and b.o. lame. i don't care that he knows the difference between playstation models as long as you're emotionally fulfilled. and having safe sex. i don't think he's ready to be a father.   "

salt stings as it enters the wounds along her body. watching the wetness begin to formulate in the bridges of her best friends eyes and the raw reality that she was the reason for it. lennox never fully grasped hold of the concepts of sympathy or empathy, usually pushing both emotions down and covering them with numbness in the form of a small pill. last attempt at sobriety didn’t last long, the harsh environments that she had created for herself was too much to bear. the realization of being sober for herself had never clicked until this past seclusion by working the steps. accepting the help from those around her; through teeth chattering, night sweats, anger manifesting where the pain and anxiety actually were. sure, there had been many names that always came into her mind, people she wanted to beg to come get her and just take her home, where she was safe and could hide from responsibilities  …  but elena’s name remained one that was a beacon. loud, unrelenting, filled with regret and guilt. elena had always been her person, but she failed at being elena’s.  the words slice at her flesh, but she doesn’t flinch, accepting them without reaction and sniffling back her own tears.   “   but all you do is help me, elena.   ”   she’s trying to stay calm, trying to perfect her speech and articulate her words properly despite the emotions that are bubbling to the surface.   “   you got me into rehab the first time, you’ve given me a couch to sleep on when i had no where to go, you  —  you held my hand through my fucking  …   ”   she stops, unable to even think of the memory; own hand reaches up to hastily wipe away her own tears.   “   all you do is help me and worry about me and i know what i didn’t wasn’t fair and i am sorry for that. i am. but it’s my turn to step up and be the friend you deserve and i just  —  i needed to work through my shit so that i could be that.   ”   it seems stupid, childish, mundane to say these things. exasperated sigh falls from her lips, irritated at herself for being incapable of voicing her thoughts properly, feeling as though she is just making less and less sense as the seconds tick by.   “   —  i’m okay.   ”   she finally says, lips pressing together.   “   i’m three months clean. i’m going to aa meetings regularly and i see my therapist twice a week.   ” 

what's more frustrating than anything is that elena can't say it right, she can't find the right thing to speak and magically make what she had been trying to say make sense to lennox: this is what i have to do because i'm your friend. she doesn't want lennox to feel indebted. it makes her feel guilty. and she doesn't want to feel shielded   —   that makes her feel annoyed. and then she feels guilty about that. her stomach sinks and her hands twitch and she keeps her eyes clamped shut. she still she hates the nakedness of being emotional in front of almost everyone, even lennox, to the point she wants to crawl out of her skin entirely. it's a relief, to have good news, like someone slowly letting air deflate out of a balloon, and her back can straighten and her breath can slow. she blinks brown eyes at lennox slowly, accompanied by a careful sniffle.    "   three months is good. great, even.   "   she ignores the smaller elena in her head, the one pinching out all her happiness slowly and reminding her 85% percent of addicts relapse within the first year. she's known every relevant statistic for years. she believes in lennox. she was a woman of facts, sure, and she didn't believe in karmic retribution. but she also knew that sometimes people beat the odds. otherwise there wouldn't be odds. mostly, she wanted to believe in happy endings, no matter how much she refrained from writing them. " i'm really proud of you. "

well, that's definitely going to bruise. just another amidst the dozen. except those had all been self - inflected to some degree. on her terms, on her watch. a skinned knee from skating, razor cuts on her legs, a handful of marks from messing around with jump, but this? she didn't agree to this. pinned down in the sand—which is getting everywhere—mj pulls at lenora's hair.   〝 god, fucking get off me, you — you stupid dyke! 〞

lenora rolls off mj like she's been burned, eyes flashing with fleer and a sneer of disgust etched on her face. she looks cornered, frightened   —   angry in the sort of way someone trapped & viscious is, instead of someone swinging with full confidence. she tears her hair away from the other woman as fast as possible, rolling around in the sand until every where stings and she's kneed and elbowed herself away.   "   what the fuck did you just call me, you demented little cunt!?   "   sorry, God. she stands, shaky kneed and on the defense, looking like mj had knifed her instead of simply fighting back.

          “   that’s the parents stupidity for calling someone braelyn.   ”   small mutter, another sip of his drink.   “   if they can’t spell their names, they shouldn’t be in ap math.   ”

"    disagree. the only letters you need to know in math are like... okay, let me rack my brain here. i've had two drinks. y = mx+b. a squared plus b squared equals c squared. i can keep going.     "

  〝 so we have the same life expectancy. 〞  a crude joke but a joke nevertheless, despite its basis in reality. 〝 you think this is news to me? i know he's an asshole. i've known that since the day i met him. so this lecture of yours is jus' a little too late. 〞

"    i don't get the whole, he sucks but i still love him thing, oli. i don't even get it when people like me. i suck to date. you know me. i just gotta be honest. and, hey, i'll hear it back.   "

  “ coupla' the guys wanted — hic — wanted to get drinks, and they said this — hic — this was a really good bar and well — now we're h — hic — here. ”  

"    what guys? the kind of guys that don't set up a fucking dd?   "   annoyance laces her tone, but worry's there too. her hand itches to grab her car keys.   "   are you even standing?   "

  〝 i was young, impressionable—and drunk. 〞  @anoetics

"    not even being blind would explain even brushing shoulders with that guy,   "   she pours another glug of wine into her sister's waiting glass. at least, waiting as far as sienna's concerned.   "    he's got scary eyes. like one of those dogs that looks human. you can do way better than that. you have done way better than that.   "

  “ LOOK — you and your mom don't have to exactly forgive me, but i would appreciate not being treated like a total pariah. i'm still — you and your mom are still my family. ”  / @anoetics

"   you realize you can't force a full grown adult to talk to you, right? because like, it's actually insane if you're trying to boss me around like i'm a little kid, considering abandoning small children for business opportunities is considered, like supremely bad parenting.   "

          “   november, smucktember, who cares! bitches are still out here reeling about how if they don’t have a boyfriend now, they ain’t gonna get gifts on valentines day. like get your own damn flowers, they’re gonna die within a week anyways.   ”

"   my mom owns a flower shop. if anyone got me flowers, i'd probably be like...   ew, did you ask my mom for these? but if they didn't get them from my mom, i'd kinda be offended. like, why did you get these from the grocery store instead of supporting my mom?   "   ava absently jams a hand in the chip bag between them, hunting for crumbs. 

         “   good thing we don’t have cameras, huh?   ”   smirk evident on features, vape brought back to lips for a quick inhale.   “   yeah, why? you gonna give me some half-ass lecture about how bad it is for me? or how outdated it is and how stupid i look?   ”

"    can i have a hit? the fucker at the gaz guzzle won't sell me any anymore. he says i've stolen too many sour skittles from him and i'm not welcome in there anymore. like, i haven't even stolen sour skittles since i was like, seventeen. maybe twenty or something.   "