Y A N I

At first, I thought you were different...

So sweet so gentle, to the point I was content

But I was wrong

In all aspects, the doubts were too strong

It was a battle between my mind and heart

Hoping for an actual fresh start

Everything was going smoothly not until

I started taking a pill

Intimate and passionate but

That's not me - a slut

The desire for something genuine

Prompted me to lose and rather made him win

After all there was another girl, an ex

Who happens to know every information that's complex

Can't even look her in the eye, it was awkward

So I tried my best to move forward

Each passing day, I can’t help but be reminded Of all the actions and gestures that once left me blinded

You were not real, just an illusion

A sweet distraction

To make me forget how lonely this world is Fair enough and for a moment it was an extreme bliss

I have to ask myself - am I truly happy?

Or just pretending to be?

It was then met with silence

The urge for violence

Cause I know the answer

And it doesn't matter

You're just like them, like my father

A narcissistic manchild to her daughter

I hope karma works out too soon

Who knows, you were already immune

Don't worry it always comes back around

You’re like an older brother to me

I don’t know why but my heart’s happy

Whenever you’re around all the time

This looks like a crime

A forbidden spark

Enough to make its mark

I try to avoid as much as possible

But it’s not that simple

Especially how captivating your eyes were

Suddenly the gap between us was all just a blur

I love how you talk, I like how you put things into perspective

Undeniably, I became your detective

Your random thoughts, funny banters

With that, I’m very much eager

To get to know you, my Mr. perfectionist

I assure you I can make a list

Reasons of why I should keep you

Soon enough you will knew

How I pictured you as “the one”

Cause you were my daylight

No matter how I pretend it’s okay

The times that I wanted to stay

Would it be okay to be selfish just this once?

I don’t want to be a nuisance

Enough is enough

It was tough

But I managed to survive

It’s not okay

I can’t keep doing this

I had enough

We can’t be like this forever

We can’t act like everything’s alright and at the same time falling apart

I am confused, I am frustrated, I am disappointed

In the way you responded

Are those words you told her even true?

Did you mean it?

Are we really good at pretending?

Or you’re just really good at hiding?

Am I just a mere convenience?

What are you trying to do?

Do you treat everybody like that?

What are you so afraid of?

What is it in your past that still haunts you?

Why are you avoiding the topic?

Why it’s so easy for you to ignore it?

How do you sleep peacefully at night?

I need concrete answers not constant apologies

You said friends, right? 

But do friends break each other’s heart like that?

It was indeed confusing

Most of the time self-destructing

On whether whose the one to blame

Cause all I’ve got are excuses that are lame

A lot of different reasons

Always changing, just like the seasons

You hide your words in plain sight

To make it look like everything’s alright

Are we going to get out of this cycle that’s so cold?

Waiting for the truth to slowly unfold

Will you ever learn? 

Or the feelings will just forever burn 

Cause you never speak

You always avoid when I reached its peak 

One thing I would like to know

I’m still living under your ex’s shadow

Not a grief, but a painful sorrow

She has chinky eyes

But all you’ve got are white lies

What is there to say?

When you always like to play

Don’t tell me you’re sorry

Cause you’re not the one wallowing in misery

It seems like you forgot

How I was there, when she’s not

Why would you compare? 

To make me look in despair

Every month, you got yourself a new girl

Oh, does it feel surreal? 

Being caught up in the same deja vu

For someone to cover up when you’re feeling blue

Do you even regret the times you were with me? 

I guess so unfortunately

Writing this seems like a proper closure 

With that I am not so sure

An apology is just one click away