COMFORT ZONE
As vivid as everything, I could remember how I comfort myself all the time.
Even as a kid, the only person that understands myself is me. The only person that comforts me is myself.
And I could always remember how my comfort zone is like. Opposite from what others want.
As a child, whenever I can no longer handle the situation, I always found myself sitting in the most narrow part of the house, sometimes crying without a sound, for as long as I am seen by nobody and I am alone.
I pity myself. I do not recall things when told to others because my memory is "Mixed up" all the time as what they said.
I thought my love of darkness and my love of lonelyness was developed during teenage years but no, it only came back during those years.
Those years where I do not recall. Memories gone, as what I asked God for. As to me, memories are nothing. When shared, no one should believe as my reminiscing is wrong.
I believe I am always in the wrong time on everything. First, my life. Next, whole life, and so on. My autobiography is always not worth sharing as it is as worthless as myself.
Going back to teenage years, remembered the time I felt misplaced in everything. Everywhere I go, I always, always, always feel unwanted. Did everything for everyone just to be accepted but no, everytime, I ended up used, and betrayed.
During those years, my comfort zone was the same. I never imagined myself staying into the same narrow, dark, lonely, place just to feel alive. Staying into the place by myself only to feel like as if I am wanted, by myself.
College came, busy days, busy life. Again, I no longer remember shit. May it be happy, or sad, all were forgotten. Whenever shit happens, I always find myself in the corner of everywhere. Sitting, face burried to my knees, and thinking, sometimes even crying.
I don't talk to people about myself. Outside, I look normal. Even beyond normal. I believe I have a beautiful face, smart mind, great body. But, people never know how torn my soul is. They never realize how unstable my mental health is.
Years passed, I learned love. I loved someone, so much. But as I loved him much more daily, I remember how I was not accepted. Simple conflict, to me means he's no longer interested.
I used to dream about having a significant other who will be a comfort zone, of course in a form of being. I made myself comfortable but he was not. I was too comfortable that I forgot to filter the worst side of me and forgot that he is also human.
Mistreated and misunderstood, he got fed up and eventually long for the kind of love and attention I never gave, to somebody else.
When I found out, I freaked out. Way too much that I almost kill myself. I thought he was my comfort zone but in the end, he was like the rest. They all can't and will never accept me.
To be honest, it was only at this moment that I understand the true meaning if comfort zone. As I was crying in bed, I realize how much I wanted to find myself in a narrow dark place again, thinking, crying, or maybe writing.
And here I am. After years of not realizing, found myself the comfort room that I've known since then but neglected to understand. Just like myself.
